Someone Help! Please! Please!

Jamie had left and had bad fantasies about Anna. We need to edit these

Fantasy #1:
Anna in her bedroom
Anna cries for a bit, but then glances up at the pill bottle on her dresser (Anti-depressants)
Anna: (Maybe I can make this pain stop)
Anna gulps it down and collapses
Anna is breathing weakly and heavily
A Couple Of Minutes Later
Jamie comes in
Jamie: Anna!
Jamie runs to Anna
Jamie sits next to Anna
Jamie: Anna, what happened?
Anna reaches up and touches Jamie’s chest
Jamie’s shocked and tears well up in his eyes and he holds Anna’s hand
Anna: I… love… you… Jae…
Jamie cries
Anna gently squeezes Jamie’s hand and he looks at her
Anna: N-None… of… this… is… your… fault…
Anna: I-I… just… couldn’t… take… it… anymore…
Jamie: Please don’t go.
Jamie: I love you, Ann!
Anna gives Jamie a weak smile
End of Fantasy
Jamie: (Please don’t try to hurt yourself, Ann…)
Jamie: (Please!)

Fantasy #2:
Anna in her room
Anna sad : (I don’t think Jae loves me anymore…)
Anna crying (I can’t stay here anymore!)
Anna starts packing a bag
Jamie: Anna?!
Jamie: What are you doing?
Anna: I’m leaving, Jae.
Jamie: Why?
Anna still looking away : Why do you think?
Anna: My stepmother does nothing but criticize me.
Anna: My dad is always traveling, my real mom is dead.
Anna: And I have no friends here.
Anna: And last but not least, the cousin I thought loved me unlike EVERYONE else, just left without even saying goodbye.
Anna: That really hurt.
Jamie: (She’s holding back tears…)
Jamie: (I can hear it in her voice.)
Jamie: Sorry, Anna.
Anna looks at Jamie and sobs
Jamie goes to hug Anna

Tags

@Cheris
@Danielle318
@SkyM
@josiej8
@Yuke

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are u trying to put them in order?

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No trying to edit the dialogue and make them better

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hm, okay.

Fantasy #2:
Anna is in her room
Anna sad : (I don’t think Jae loves me…)
Anna crying (I can’t stay here any longer!)
Anna starts packing her bag
Jamie: Anna?!
Jamie: What are you doing?
Anna: I’m leaving, Jae.
Jamie: Why?
Anna still looking away : Why do you think?
Anna: My stepmother does nothing but criticize me.
Anna: My dad is always traveling, and my mother is dead.
Anna: I have no friends…
Anna: My cousin whom I thought loved me unlike EVERYONE else, just left without saying goodbye.
Anna: That really hurts.
Jamie: (She’s holding back tears…)
Jamie: (I can hear it in her voice.)
Jamie: I’m sorry, Anna.
Anna looks at Jamie and sobs
Jamie goes to hug Anna

2 Likes

Fantasy #1:
Anna in her bedroom
Anna cries for a bit, but then glances up at the pill bottle on her dresser (Anti-depressants)
Anna: (Maybe… I could make the pain stop)
Anna gulps it down and collapses
Anna is breathing weakly and heavily
A Couple Of Minutes Later
Jamie comes in
Jamie: Anna!
Jamie runs to Anna
Jamie sits next to Anna
Jamie: Anna, what happened?
Anna reaches up and touches Jamie’s chest
Jamie’s shocked and tears well up in his eyes and he holds Anna’s hand
Anna: I… love… you… Jae…
Jamie cries
Anna gently squeezes Jamie’s hand and he looks at her
Anna: N-None… of… this… is… your… fault…
Anna: I-I… just… couldn’t… take… it… anymore…
Jamie: Please don’t leave me.
Jamie: I love you, Ann!
Anna gives Jamie a weak smile
End of Fantasy
Jamie: (Please don’t hurt yourself, Ann…)
Jamie: (Please!)

Fantasy #2:
Anna in her room
Anna sad : (I don’t think Jae loves me anymore…)
Anna crying (I can’t stay here anymore!)
Anna starts packing a bag
Jamie: Anna?!
Jamie: What are you doing?
Anna: I’m leaving, Jae.
Jamie: Why?
Anna still looking away : Why do you think?
Anna: My stepmother does nothing but criticize me.
Anna: My dad is always traveling, my mom is dead.
Anna: I have no friends here.
Anna: And last but not least, the cousin I thought would be there for me unlike EVERYONE else, just left without even saying goodbye.
Anna: Why would I stay?
Jamie: (She’s holding back tears…)
Jamie: (I can hear it in her voice.)
Jamie: I’m here now, Anna.
Anna looks at Jamie and sobs
Jamie goes to hug Anna

I tried but I didn’t change them up that much :joy:

2 Likes

@JemU776 @MissHaze could also help out with this one.

2 Likes

Thanks for the tag, I’ll try my best to edit it soon :blob_hearts:

1 Like

Moved to Share Feedback since this is about your story. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :wink:

With only knowing the story from these scenes I’d have to say I think the dialogue is fine. I’d change the “my real mom” to just “my mom” or “my actual mom”, but other than that, it sounds fine to me.

1 Like

Anna’s real mom is dead. She’s adopted

Right, I got that. I was just saying that the sentence “my actual mom” sounds better than “my real mom” Is all :slight_smile:

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