Stephanie’s Story Reviews and Promotions 🌙🖤

@Roy / Shado

DIRECTING

The directing was pretty good, there was some parts that need to be fixed though. An example would be in episode 2, in the scene it shows a younger Roy. After her mother calls her, she is seen exiting her bedroom, but instead of staying the same size, she grows. This occurs again when she enters the living room, she starts off in the default size and shrinks. Make sure to use the “walk to spot” command, to avoid her size changing. Besides these little errors, the directing was good.

GRAMMAR, WORDING, PUNCTUATION, SPELLING

Episode 1

Roy: I formed my hands as if i was gripping imaginary tennis balls.
Correction: I formed my hands as if I was gripping imaginary tennis balls
Roy: It was a thousand years old battle protocol from the...
Correction: It was thousand years old battle protocol from the
Roy: First Attack The Arm That Attacks You.
Correction: First, attack the arm that attack you.
Roy: The primary strategy of Kempo Karate was to strike an aggressor in opposing direction.
Correction: The primary strategy of Kempo Karate was to strike an aggressor in an opposing direction.
Roy: The stroke would roll into another and create a tumbling effect.
Correction: The stroke would roll unto another, creating a tumbling effect.
Roy: I shouted a "kiai" the warrior yell.
Correction: I shouted “kiai,” the warrior yell.
Roy: And he collapsed lying on back.
Correction: And he collapsed, laying on his back.
Roy: Completely shocked and overwhelmed by the ferocity of the attack waiting for the neck bite that would end it all.
Correction: Completely shocked and overwhelmed by the ferocity of the attack, waiting for the neck bite that would end it all.
Sir: Then would you be so Kind enough to explain to the rest of the class what is the difference between Liability and Assets.
Correction: Would you be kind enough to explain to the rest of the class, what is the difference between liabilities and assets?
Noah: I don't know what to do with her?
Correction: I don’t know what to do with her.

  • The way that Noah is saying the sentence, is more of a statement than a question.

Noah: In fact, fuel prices dropped twice and was even raised once.
Correction: In fact, the fuel prices dropped twice and were even raised once.
Noah: For the last one year, I just pick her up and drop.
Correction: For the past year, I’ve just been picking her up and dropping her off.
Noah: How about we go on a date in the evening.
Correction: How about we go on a date this evening?

Episode 2

Roy: Throughout my life i have been broken and hurt.
Correction: Throughout my life, I have been broken and hurt.
Roy: This one or try something else
Correction: This one or try something else?
Noah: WOW ! A wristwatch
Correction: WOW! A wristwatch!
Noah: That's the problem you don't know what I am going through.
Correction: That’s the problem. You don’t know what I’m going through.
Noah: Do you know how how much I tolerate you ?
Correction: Do you know how much I tolerate you?
Roy: Your life's getting wasted
Correction: Your life is going to be wasted.
Noah: Mine is just started.
Correction: Mine has just started.

Episode 3

Jaden: Feisty
Correction: Feisty.
Jaden: This way you will get yourself killed kiddo.
Correction: At this rate, you’ll get yourself killed, kiddo.
Roy: It's been two months now that Noah is gone...
Correction: It’s been two months, since Noah is gone…
Jaden: So, you won't stop coming here and getting you beaten.
Correction: So, you won’t stop coming here and getting yourself beaten?
Roy: I put my jacket on a thousand times
Correction: I put my jacket on thousand of times.
Roy: But, sir, it's been three months. At least now.
Correction: Sir, it’s been at least three months now.
Police: You know what. Tomorrow. No. Come back day after tomorrow. I'll do something.
Correction: You know what? Tomorrow. No. Come back the day after tomorrow, I’ll do something.
Police: What did you say? Say that again?
Correction: What did you say? Say that again!

  • The police is yelling at her to repeat herself, he’s not really asking her.

Police: Your attitude is what killed that boy Roy.
Correction: Your attitude is what killed that boy, Roy.
Police: No need to come back day after tomorrow either.
Correction: No need to come back the day after tomorrow.
Police: Come back next week when your mind cools down.
Correction: Come back next week, when you cool down.
Brother: That’s the end of your questions now it’s my turn.
Correction: That’s the end of your questions. It’s my turn now.
Roy: I want to kill that murderers!
Correction: I want to kill the murderer!
Brother: You know what I started giving up on your generation.
Correction: You know what? I started giving up on your generation.
Brother: You know I though these tablets and smart phones was depleting your sensitivity.
Correction: You know? I thought these tablets and smart phones were depleting your sensitivity.
Brother: So Roy. I'll call you back tonight at exactly 1 am.
Correction: I’ll call you back tonight, at exactly 1 am, Roy.

Besides these few mistakes, your use of language was really good.
In the beginning of episode 1, the way you described her actions was impressive! You really went into dept. You also used several complex words to really give dept to the story. :grin:
There was a few sentences that were missing the punctuation, I would recommend going back and fixing that.

PLOT
Even though I only read the first three episodes, your story isn’t cliche at all. I enjoyed the main character, Roy, I viewed her as a strong woman throughout the story. I really like badass characters, so I definitely enjoyed reading as Roy. I suggest adding more information about Roy’s relationship with her mother, considering they are really close. The only thing that threw me off a bit was Noah. When he first appeared, it’s shown that he’s been trying to get Roy’s interest for a year. It’s also shown that she doesn’t really have much interest in him, but suddenly, they just get together. I would recommend letting the reader have more information about them, such as if they had any history together or why she suddenly chose to go on a date with him. Another thing that threw me off was the “I love you.” It’s their first date and he’s already saying “I love you,” TWICE. :grimacing: One thing that did confuse me was why she just brushed off the fact that he said it for the first time, but the second time, she was shocked? I didn’t really understand that part.
In episode 3, when Jaden finally agrees to train Roy and he makes her start off by picking up, putting on, and dropping her jacket, was that inspired by the “Karate Kid?” :joy:

If it is, I am all for it. I love that movie! :eyes::black_heart:

OTHER

!
There is an error with a character’s clothing. It’s in the beginning of episode 1, he starts out wearing a purplish shirt, then suddenly changes into the other outfit.


In this scene, the narration reads that he is coughing, but he doesn’t actually start coughing until after the narration is done. I would recommend making him cough, during that narration, with &. An example of the script would be:
&RANDOMDUDE is cough
NARRATOR (ROY)
He coughed a few times, but was finally able to breath again without laboring.

When Roy and her mother are eating, I would also suggest putting the overlay a little bit higher, to make it look like they’re actually sitting. In episode 2, after the dude kills Noah, his car drives off by itself. It looked kinda funny. :joy: After the car drives off, Noah isn’t laying on the floor, but two seconds later, he suddenly appears. In addition, I also noticed that during the dressing game, there was no lipstick prop, I recommend adding the prop in.

SUMMARY
Besides the few mistakes, the story was good. I like the music, it was amazing! It wasn’t constantly playing in the background, it would only play when something was coming up, which gives suspense to your story. In addition, I liked how you included flashbacks in the story,
I also really liked the intro of the first episode, it was very well-detailed. The reference to the tiger allows the reader to gather information about Roy and it demonstrates that she’s a fighter.
To conclude, your plot was not cliche, it’s important to keep making it stand out from other stories (in a good way.) The story was definitely interesting, it had a creative plot. I could tell that you put a lot of thought into your story, keep up the good work! :crazy_face:

~Stephanie :black_heart::black_heart:

Thank you :black_heart::black_heart::heart::heart::kissing_smiling_eyes:

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You’re welcome! :heart::blush:

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Sorry I’ve been gone a few days, I got super busy, but I will finish reviewing all the stories that I was asked to review.

@TamiRose would you like me to PM you your review or it doesn’t matter?

PM pls :grin:

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Hi I would like a review thank you!!!

Story Title: © Tribe of Malapinchi
Author: Jannah Jackson
Story Description:
New Description:
Tales of the Old Asians warned that WW2 scars still plagued the exotic-cursed tribe in the mythical land at East South East Asia. The land of Sun, light & black magic, lies and dark secrets. Can you survive, solve the havoc, cleanse and heal, save and free everyone? Or die in vain?

Old Description:
Toss into a land of the sun, magic, lies and dark secrets in Asia. Can you survive, solve the havoc and save everyone before it’s too late? FullCC/MiniGames/Tappables
Genre: Realistic-Fantasy/Mystery/ Adventure/Thriller/Horror
Style: Multiple
How many chapters does it has: 6/7
Cover (With symbolic meanings of the cover inside the story)


Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5909308359180288
Additional Info:

  1. Chapters are generally slightly longer than most episode stories…given because of the nature of the plot.
    Do you want me to PM my review? Nope. Here on the thread is fine.

Password: Moon

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Thank you for offering to do some reviews! I appreciate the feedback.
Story Title: Storm Shield: Destiny Discovery
Author: Ray Edwin
Story Description: Kayla, an advanced homeschooler, wants nothing more than to have a normal high-school experience. After being accepted into Atlantis Academy, she might just get her wish… or not.
Genre: Fantasy
Style: LL
Chapters: 3 (more coming)
Cover:


Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5486703935291392
Do you want me to PM your review? Here or PM is fine. Whatever is most convienant.

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Thank you for taking the time to do this :heart:

Story Title: Cinderfella
Author: Missflameo
Story Description: He was raised to be a thief, resenting his upbringing for as long as he can remember. One night, when a con goes wrong a strange woman is there to save him. Can he trust her?
Genre: Action/Romance
Style: Limelight and Spotlight
Chapters: 3 Published (More to come)

image

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/4783816492515328

You can PM or not. It doesn’t matter to me.
password: moon

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Don’t you have a different cover? I might be mistaken

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I did, It’s been changed. As of now, my story has a default title on the app until this one is approved. Once approved, I will be updating my story so the title can be seen on the app.
My story is a “Create your own character” story. The former cover (below) is what my daughter’s character looks like when she plays. The new cover is what my character looks like when I play.

Would you like me to PM your review or post it on this thread? :slightly_smiling_face:

I hope you like this story. I would like to promote it here.
Story Name: Remnant Past
Author: Madhu
Chapters released: 2 for now.
Story Description: Being the leader of the Reapers and a popular dancer in her teens, Lucy had to go through some remnant things in her past. Will she be able to overcome its pain and balance it?
Genre: Drama i put it there still confused on which is suitable for the story
Style: LL
Cover:
Here’s the cover:
743dbc355e02514cac07983311e18c24ca53e2f5_2_362x500

Here’s the link:

Password:Luna

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Story Title: The Golden Wolf
Author: Zoe.A
Story Description: Ella is a Golden Wolf.
She has lived alone and scared her whole life but all that changes when she turns 18 and discovers she more powerful then she thought.
Genre: Fantasy
Style: Limelight
Chapters: 9
Cover: Untitled2_20190916103519
Do you want me to PM your review? If possible but I don’t really mind
Thank you for the thread take your time :kissing_heart:
Password moon

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