Sudden Life Change
The questions are what I ask myself as a reader. Then I go back and answer them if given one. Since the story has a authors note I will take that into consideration. But check out the forums for a proofreader.
Screenshots š„š„š„
"Episode 1
Excessive CC, make it optional to customize the family by adding a warning and a simple choice. (Some keep the original characters when there are edits involved.)
Do not start your story with a definition, put it in āreaderMessageā when scripting, it causes distractions, especially when you know the word.
āMexico Snakesā Should be āMexican Snakesā, its a gang name, yes, but youāre describing people. Also, a nice way to tell me the ethnicity of my family for later purposes.
Question: Why would the boss of a cartel be on the frontlines with his goons anyway, And why does he act so surprised to see his daughter whom he just shot at? I see that he had intentions of being caught later on in the second episode
Too Much Info DUmp She reveals everything. IvetookthisjobsoIcanfindyou,Isufferedfrommygrandpasdeathbecauseofyou And Iām an angry child. Not to make fun, this is what I see when Iām reading this, you did well-explaining Grandpas death later on with the flashback, but these paragraphs of telling the reader everything is not it.
I would suggest cutting some lines out and have her go off, but stop at some point such as āHe isnāt worth it,ā She has a job to do and its not to stand and talk while her team could be in danger. She can yell at him in the interrogation room.
The flashback with the Grandma. make sure she speaks Spanish with translation. It makes no sense for her to switch languages if sheās talking to her bilingual daughter. *Consistency.
*After reading episode 3, how can my grandma speak English, but not her own child. (My mother?)
āIs that the father of (Name)?ā Take this question out, nothing in the story before implied that I didnāt know that was my father. You just gave free story plot away.
Nice Ending, Since she is surprised, it implies that she didnāt really want to talk to him, therefore the suggestion for the scene where she yells at him would make sense.
Episode 2
Appreciate the Recap
āChapter 2ā The Speechbubble is too low and the text effectā¦subscript? makes it too small.
āIs there any problem with that, Gomez?ā
āOf course not.ā
Did she not mention that was her father? Her boss doesnāt know that? Seems off for ho friendly everyone seems. (I understand he is working for the dad. Suggestion: have him slip up and say, father, even though Shes never mentioned it?)
Take my place. The nerve of this man
I picked outfit 3 :3 Le Best outfit.
āMeanhile on the other side of the barā the goon is very offensive. Make sure that skintones match the lips. And that goes for Background Characters too. People in this community notice when authors put little work into their characters.
āUnknownā when going back to editing characters, change āScript Name: Unknownā into āBossā, we already know its her father and the guy just called him Boss. Heās not unknown anymore.
Okay, hereās where things get unreal:
āKill one of them,ā You messed up a bit when telling me the question form Episode 1 āIs that her real father?ā But Iām going to discard that.
Those are his children thatās not what a father would say to his innocent daughter. It can only be sister targerted. Daughter or not sheās still an FBI agent also. Try:
āShoot, but donāt kill,ā
āWhich one?ā
āThe girl in the green dress.ā
The hole crowd heard a gunshot. They all need to act shocked.
(Name) needs to face left when reacting to her shot sister.
Flashback: The principal needs to run in and say something while shock not stand there like its a normal day. *Realism
I know you donāt have advanced coding, but after the first girl goes down the other two need to jump her or run off-screen, and then the principal comes in. No one is going to stand there and get beaten up.
Darren should say, āClear The Area,ā so we (the reader) can see that
She has anger issues so I can see her running after the shooter unarmed, but after the hit scene, he should pull the gun back out. Remember, sheās a Fed, heās a gang member, heād do anything not to be arrested.
After that I would suggest having the female officer point a gun at her head. and in chapter 3 explain that there āshotsā confirmed at this place.
"Episode 3
I know its Incomplete
You could delete this scene or keep it, but a fed shouldnāt have to call 9-1-1 as a citizen, she should be calling a co-worker for backup or to send an officer.
The officer walked on screen with no caution? have her run on screen
*for my suggestion if you change the scene. Have the man already in handcuffs at the start of the episode.
Feel Free to ask ANY questions,