Story opinions wanted!

Hello everyone! My name is Lilly and I’m new to the Episode family! I’ve recently started writing the story of how my husband and I came to be and would love some feedback!
Also, I’m hoping to see if my story is terribly zoomed in on your end as it is on my end (and maybe some advice to fix it if it is?)
Anyway, check out my story please and let me know if you need a view in return!
Title: Love Always Finds a Way
Genre: Romance
Chapters: 3
http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5252749914079232

1 Like

I will definitely check this out!! :sparkling_heart:

1 Like

Episode 1

To be honest, I love the idea that this is based of off your life, which means hopefully it will be realistic.

So far I like it.

In my opinion, the episode is quite short. In the first episode you want to grab the reader’s attention.

There are a few grammatical and directing errors, which can easily be fixed. Some are listed below.

Overall, from episode 1, I enjoy the idea and think it has a lot of potential.

Scene 1

Is LILLY supposed to be talking to the reader? Or should she speak as the narrator?

Scene 2

I think the layers swapped during the fall; however, I’m not completely sure.

JOSE
What was that?
Is he supposed to talk aloud or is he thinking?

After the choice, there is no speech bubble. To be honest, I like this aswell.

JOSE
Say…you’re the new kid aren’t you? My name is Jose, I’m a third year.
Say… You’re the new kid, aren’t you?
I know this is based upon your life, but how would he know you’re new if you’re in different years? Unless it’s a small school.
Edit: Leo confirms it’s a small school and word travels fast.

When they leave, you could let LILLY walk out simultaneously rather than waiting for JOSE to leave completely. However, since she is following it also makes sense. So that’s up to you.

It pans to zone 2/3 and there are 2 characters walking across the screen before the fade out transition.

Scene 3

NARR
Later that day, while I was headed home…
heading

Whilst LILLY and LEO talk, she slides across the screen a few times.

LILLY
It’s been… eventful today.
It’s been… Eventful today.

Scene 4

LILLY slides in. Either spot her there before ether animation or have her walk in.

LILLY
Finally time for bed
Add a full stop.

NARR
large crash
Now I don’t think this is grammatically incorrect; however, I don’t know if a crash (context: sound) can be described as large (as apposed to big), whereas a bang can.

2 Likes

Awesome! Thanks for checking it out, I’ll look through and see if I can make improvements on the notes you’ve given me :smile:

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.