Hey. I was wondering if anyone can give me a story review and also proof read my story. So far I have 3 chapters and working on the 4th one now. I’m still kinda new into the who “coding” so I was wondering if anyone can check.
Taylor Stone, a girl with a sassy attitude but a nerd at heart. What happens when Taylor crosses the paths of the two enigmatic guys, Zack Miller, the boy who steals every girl’s heart, and James Diamond, the man known for his electrical charms.
Who’s going to win her heart?
In general I noticed several minor directing issues- all are listed below as I noticed them in general - sometines your spot directing doesnt work, sometimes you do not use talking animationg when character talk or vice versa you let them still be in talking animation even they do not talk. I strongly recomand to reworkd the input so it will be clear we should give male name of the love interest and not my name. Some glitches with transitions or I dont know what the glitches ware but 2 times xour characters did strange things - where described below.
Time of your firs chapters seemd around 10 minutes of reading time without the CC for me which is good lenght.
For the the storyteling itself - while Episodeis not a narrative style of storytelling I must admit that you are good at descripton. how ever sometimes the dialogues didnt felt right and it felt they are there “only to lead to somethign” - espeacialy thelast one when he boy out of nowhere needs to tell them that the new boy on the campus smels like danger.it was bit out of blue and felt bit unnatural to me how dis suddently apeared -----maybe if he would tell some story wiith that boy what he has seen or so it would look more natural. The same goes for the teacher dialogue…he is new in the school she sees him for the first time yet he already has read her file and needs to talk to her as the only student in the class…it feels bit unrealistic to me…maybe if she would have some conflict with him in the clas and he would want to talk to her about it isnted tht would give more natural feeling of the scene.
There ware glimpses of potentional danged with the mans in the hoods which most caught my attention - this is what makes me want to find out more most I would say- it was brounght interesting ways and itag great way how to make reader curiouse.
I was missing musinc in the scenes . it was if I remember right only in the intro.
In general from the writing point of view its good start If I would recomand something than try to make thescenes more realistit and natural.
And here are my notes I took during the reading
name of the story - its not original - there are several stories on episode with this name - this is not a biggie but it might happen some readers looking for your story will actually read some of the other one.
cover - you have original cover ith higher then everage quality which is good
description - clear I am now expecting story with 2 love interest and based on the big cover a vampire/warevolves story?
splashes - I was reading the readers message and it was covering the text and than it was gone so I have no idea what was on the first splash actualy written . No biggie, just noting it - also your text on the splashes will be cutted of for readers using tablet fro reading episode - dunno if you are aweare of it.
I was seeing Jamens Diamond and I am told thst if I change something itwill not fit the descriptotion of the sotry (so I thing CC will now come) but istead it ask me for MY name… if it should be his name you should change the wording because now the firs love interest has my name.
I liked the infro with her
for me the opening narrator was far too long and all what was described … someone huntng her at can be shown in scene intead in narrator - I guest it was dream but still goes for it too. Episode is “do not tell but show me” - and this dream could have been done with animated scenens much more WoW realy draging reader in then just reading the narrators.
waking up the blond girl is too big looks like giant or the other like kid - the perspective doesnt look right to me
the scene guy in the hood I think you used wrong transition or something because he fades in black then is back for milisecond and then we see the other guy in the hood
OK that the LI is professor makes me kinda uneasy because I see teacher student relationships as toxic and dont like much such stories (it me , it OK to write it, I just realy dont like this)
she answers the question and the speak animation started before the speachbubble
then cut to the teacher and there was strange bling like he disapeared and then apeared for milisecond - dunno if it was transition but if then I would make it bit longer, this looked bit like glitch to me
the speachbuble ring bells is not centered
when teacher ends the leson - by the second sentence he is frozen at the end of previouse animation instrad of making taking animation
when the kids are leaving the firs boy suddenrtly apears behind the second girl when she is at the right and he exist again
when he kall her with her name and she replies he is still moving mouth instead of being is some idle animation when he doesnt speak - the same the goes for her - I would sugenst to always put the one who is not speaking to idle animation since this looks strange
the choice to reply (I have chosen rude) - again this strane bling apeared they diapeared for miliscond.
you let me rename them but the reader message telling me the points uses the original name so I have no idea who has what points
The boo scene - sasha is scared before the boo animation ended I would in this case recomand to use first the boo animation and make her react after it
asking who are you texting - camera zooms up and then blake jumps to another spot, this looks bit weird the same sasha cames he is in one height but suddenly he is much taller.
She show the phone and there is speachbubble but she is in idle animation
she is leaving, you reset the toom and we see blake levitating in air
it describes points for Angel and devil - I am kinda confused I thoung I gert points with the boys - maybe explaing a bit your pointsystem on the start will be helpull…I guest st about my choices if I was good or bad? Also it doesnt show 0 it shoes the character number istead - to avoid this put on start @POINT= 0 (- with the name you use for points) so the script will start with the 0 then it will show it correctly
thank you for letting me know. A lot of info to take in. I’m still new on the “coding” I’ve watched a couple of videos on how to do things but some of it is still a little different to me if that makes since.
as for the spot directing and everything can u dm me screen shots. because when I do it on my side it looks fine. Just curious on what it looks like.
And no. I didn’t know about the iPad. I use my phone so thank you for that info. If you have any tips please let me know.
As for the opening narration it wasn’t a dream it was something that was going to happen to the MC in the near future. I thought it was long too, But I wasn’t sure where I should stop it.
And as for the teacher Ll he really isn’t a teacher he’s there for a little s a teacher he’s the Uncles best friend if that makes sense. He’s there to watch over as the MC because of different things.
Also speech bubble ring? IDK what that is lol
I thought the same about the whole thing with the teacher calling her up. I couldn’t think of anything in between if you have any ideas let me know lol.
as for the points with the devil and angel points it opens up special scenes with the other LL’s
As for the title, I am terrible at coming up with names lol.
Thanks about the intro. wasn’t sure if I should’ve kept that or not or if it was too long or if I should have it in every chapter
unfortunately, I wasn’t doing screenshots while reading - have you played the story in the app on your phone?
Because in the portal aren’t all bugs visible - it works quicker and some things herefore anent noticeable and you can see them only in the app during playing.
Regarding the tablet - in the preview you can switch on the guidebox - button on the left side - the green box is for tablet users - anything outside the green box will be invisible for the one reading on the tablet.
OK it was not clear to me that this is the future - especially because it was followed by a scene of her waking up. Honestly, I am not a fan of showing the whole end of a story on the beginning kinda spoilers fun for me to find out what will happen next …but I know a lot of writers use it so do not mind me … but if you want it there maybe somehow make it more clear it’s now and then? It’s cliche like hell so I really am not recommending it but usually, writers write something like …you wonder how I ended up here, well I better start from the beginning …or things like this to show it is the future. Also if it is the future I would definitely not do it just in a narrative way but by showing dramatic scenes with the natives. But is just my suggestion feel free to ignore it. .)
lol its not speech bubble ring - it was in a place where you have a speech bubble saying that the bell rings
The teacher - as I mentioned how about some minor conflict in the class …like she is not listening and chatting with her friend… so he can be pissed of a bit depending on what character he is he can react in a way that is either too rough or she can feel embarrassed or simply acknowledging it was not OK - basically she can talk to him about what happened in the class - it will then be more natural I think.
I know this struggle I had this problem before too to find out how to get to a certain point naturally - but the more you will write the more natural connection will come no worries.
Nothing wrong with your title - I just noticed there several stories with the same name when I was looking for yours. It’s not the end of the world.
For every chapter is the intro too long in my opinion - I would probably use just the beginning till she jumps down without the whole chearleader scene in next chapters?
HAHA I completely forgot about the whole speech bubble ring part thanks. And yes I use my phone with the directing part most of the time. And that would work with the conflict thing. just need to figure out with what. And I thought that to about the whole narration intro thing. thanks for the help.
When I finish fixing everything can I let you know so you can re-read it if you don’t mind
sure DM me
Ans also I have to say one thing - All what I have written is opinion of 1 person so do not chnge things if you do not agree with me I dont necesairly must reprezent the common reader.
if it should be his name you should change the wording because now the firs love interest has my name. 