Story review (unfinished)

Can someone read my story and tell me if it’s good or not?
I just need some feedback, I’m not finished the last chapter but I just need someone to test it out so I know if I’m going in the right path
It’s basically about a girl, named Joyce in her 20s who got kidnapped for ransom/human trafficking

1 Like

Hey! I am currently reading your story and I will give you my opinion afterwards.
The first little thing I noticed is that when you return to the home screen you can see “CC” at the bottom left.

At the beginning, we can also see a slight problem with the appearance of the character on the screen. You just have to change the location of the transition or change the location of a code, I’m not sure. It’s simple to correct and it adds a lot of fluidity.

For the mirror, at the beginning it was okay, but when the character turns around and starts another animation, we can clearly see that the “double” in the mirror cannot make them into “rear”, maybe just move the character?

(Scene from the living room, just after the bathroom)

Alex moves far too quickly towards us! It’s almost creepy :joy:

So, I just finished the first episode! I like the way you move the character around town, see that she is not alone either! But beware of the fluidity, the characters who appeared on the screen suddenly, it was a little strange. Why not already put all on the screen and play with the zooms (Here I’m talking about the scene in the street)
I found the episode a bit fast, always in action, it was not to displease me.
Maybe insert more dialogue with Alex?
And when the aggressor hits her, and appears (this appearance did not bother me though), I don’t know if it was to make a realistic effect that you didn’t put out any sound.
I don’t know if that’s what you wanted to do, but I see the story through a realistic writer, who doesn’t fall into the clichés of an easy and useless story.

Tell me if you want me to continue, if I am too critical or on what point you would like me to deepen.

Thank you so much, I’ll definitely try to fix those problems and I would really appreciate it if you tried episode 2 it’s much better :slight_smile:

1 Like

I’ll give it a read next! :slight_smile: Having people read on the forums is a great way of getting feedback!

1 Like

I don’t know if it’s a choice but I like that we start episode 2 without transition.

Maybe for the “done” in the first choice scene, set it darker or gold.

Maybe work on the character’s emotions when she wakes up.
Because here it does: Oh no I’m locked up, I have to find something useful!

I like the “mini-game” to find something, but maybe make the letter darker so that it is camouflaged in the room?

I don’t understand why she keeps the letter for later?

Alex who calls for his disappearance after 6 hours … Honestly I think I don’t need to specify

Why is she covered in blood, then she changes her clothes to be even more covered in blood.

How the author of the letter had access to paper, a pencil and then an envelope …

The character really does not seem disturbed, it really looks like she does not care, she thinks of nothing, feels nothing.

Does he leave the door open? Sincerely? For a professional like him?

Does she really take the time to grab a bag and think about putting stuff in there instead of running away?

There are two “done” when choosing objects

This is the end of my analysis. I really found this episode, strange, not very realistic. We really change the mood from episode 1 to 2, it looks like it is not the same author.
Sorry to be a little rude, but that’s sincerely what I think and if it can help you improve your story

Really try to improve the character’s emotions. What would you do, how would you think, how would you react.

Thank you for reviewing my story, the reason she has blood is because she was being tortured, she keeps the letter for later because she doesn’t have enough time to read it because she was trying to look for more items also in the letter it clearly states that she has been exploring… (it’ll be explained if a later episode)
I also don’t get what you mean by she doesn’t feel anything? Maybe try explaining it to me better?
English isn’t my first language so sorry if I made any grammar mistakes
Anyways thank you so much for reading my story, i’ll definetly change a few things :slight_smile:

1 Like

I mean, it lacks a lot of emotions, the feelings of the characters. She looks like a robot

This topic was automatically closed 30 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.