Intro Longer and more in-depth (Show, don’t tell)-
I think that your very beginning intro could have been a little bit more in-depth and longer. Including more background info and more in-depth scenes.
Long button intro-
The part where the lake background shows up and then the world’s being to show up was dragged on. I think that it could have been shortened a little more.
Stretch out scenes a bit-
I definitely believe that you could stretch out the scenes more. Don’t drag it on for the sake of length, but I think that you should add more details and explain the scenes more.
Dressing scene add a pause to look at the outfit-
Just a minor thing, I think you should add a pause(s) after the dressing changes, that way we can see the outfit before changing or accepting.
Script errors-
Just a few minor script errors, like overlays glitching for a second, or some height differences aren’t correct. Things like that should be easy to spot and just a quick fix!
Better connection between intro and art
I feel that instead of jumping right into the art scene, that there should be a better intro and transition.
Music (annoying and overlapping)
There were times where certain sounds became annoying and would overlap causing a mush of sound. So I believe that should be fixed up and sorted out.
Stretch out scenes, no hopping back and forth
Storyline was very hard to keep track of-
The timeline was very confusing, and I feel that the story just keeps hopping back and forth.
Scripting errors
Quite a few script errors
Capitalization errors
too much happening
There was so much going on. I recommend adding length to the scenes and dividing the chapters up in a better way. there was just so much going on and too much for one singular chapter.
Yes! I will be able to do it this weekend after I read the other two requests.
You can say… @CHARACTER is laugh_blahblah
or
&CHARACTER is laugh_blahblah
Well I don’t believe you are able to do that. If you would like to do that you would need to create a character that is names all or both. Then you would make that character say that as the characters you wanted to talk are doing the talking movements. Please DM me any further questions, as this thread is about story reviewing.
Hi! I’d like a review on my story which I just published today. It’s called Soul Searching.
I’ve been trying to get diverse perspectives, and I’d really appreciate yours!
Overlays are a bit choppy- There were a few instances when the overlays would be choppy, I recommend fixing that up, but it could just be a glitch.
Don’t introduce characters- Let the characters be introduced through the actions and dialogue, don’t introduce them (like Hi I’m main character, don’t do that)
More of a back story- I recommend adding more of a back story. I think that it would be better to see some of their life before they met, and the events leading up to their relationship.
Nice use of sounds!
Spot errors- There were a couple of spot errors, just fix those up. It was stuff like spot directing errors, and zooming in too far!
Slower pace- I say that you move the story at a slower pace, I just feel that there is a lot going on in a short amount of time.
Hi! I only have 1 1/2 chapters but I’d love to hear your opinion early on. This is one of my first stories and it hasn’t yet loaded on my phone so I could see it mobile so I’m sure it’ll be a little glitchy. Thank you so much though if you find the time!
Hello, thanks you for this thread
My story has 8 chapters but only one is currently readable as a demo.
Tittle: Total Control: Blood Mist
Description:
A school ravaged by a former student is being brought back to former glory by a group of students. 8 other schools on an island struggle to maintain peace as a war wages between them. Help make alliances and obtain total control.
Style: LL
Read time: 10-12 mins
Has MC with limited CC
Choices in this chapter don’t matter but shows alternative routes
(Later chapters have extremely important measures)
Link:
Some things to note I’ve changed already.
Added periods to end sentences
Changed MC starting skin color to darker shade
Removed “HELPER”
Fixed loading of scenes
Restyled dialog characters use when singing
Other small stuff
Unfortunately those changes won’t be seen till I release the full season which will contain 9 chapters.
Okay, I am SO SORRY. I thought that I pushed enter on this like a week ago, but I just opened forums and turns out I have just had my draft sitting here, re-reading it right now!