Suicide and Living

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#41

100% :blush: You’re not alone. I’m glad I was able to help, even just a little. Your perspective on hope also gave me something, it reminded me of all the people whom I love and who love me and make this crazy ride worthwhile. Thank you!


#42

Haha! I’m glad I was able to give you something, that makes me genuinely happy. There are times where I don’t feel loved, so I lose hope. But there’s another part of me that says, “They really don’t want you to go. Imagine if you did. They would be sad.” I’m reminded of that girl, and her presence keeps me here. Hell, even if she is straight, I love her a lot.

Oof… Off-topic again! :joy: But you get my point, right?


#43

HOLY SHIT thats a lot of likes


#44

oh ok, im sorry for what happened when u were younger


#45

That’s ok. Thank you for making this post, though.


#46

:smile:


#47

:grin:


#48

That’s really sweet, do you have feelings for her even if she’s straight? It’s so rare to find people outside of your family who have such an important influence in your life that you could say they keep you alive, even in the darkest times. Those are some beautiful relationships :blush:

Are we off-topic? Since we’re talking about what keeps people alive and what gives us the will to live, I’m not sure. Let us know, @jenna1012, is you feel like we’re going off-topic; if so, we’re sorry! :raising_hand_woman:


#49

I mean u aren’t yet but it’s getting there. But it’s cool, u guys r fine.


#50

Yes, I do. She’s very precious to me. I want to hold her. Hold onto her. And just be there for her.


#51

That is very good advice.


#52

Yeah, I made a rule to myself to prevent me from dying at a young age : gotta do a few things first like travel the world, experience the wild , see your fave animals in their natural habitats!!! then you can die XD


#53

Bump


#54

I kinda lurked on this post a little bit, not really sure if I should say anything. I don’t wanna be all depressing and stuff and I only like posting if I think it’ll help somebody, but I get surprised a lot by responses and even though this is a subject for me, I guess I’ll just say what’s up with me.

I’m sure some people would like to say that I’ve had a type of depression for a long time, but I’ve never felt hopeless and worthless until after starting college. It started when my professor would say some messed up stuff to me, like how I have no talent and whatever. This was the first time I cared about something really, in college, and that was kinda bled out of me with him trying to motivate me. I understand that he was trying to help in his way, but it really didn’t help me. The only reason I stayed with it after being told how useless and futile my efforts were was because I literally have nothing else.

It started with that, because it FELT like it was obvious how right he was about me being talentless, and therefore worthless. My talent was the only thing I had going for me and…yeah, since it wasn’t even real, how could I have any worth at all?

I tried to ignore that nonsense; I used to be so good at it. It was different when my professor told me I had no talent because he was like an idol to me, you know? He was talented and successful and passionate and I wanted to be all of that but he held a mirror up to me and showed me that I was fucking delusional. Literally broke my mind.

There was drama at home, too, where I didn’t live anymore, I mean. Home wherever my dad was. He almost died and I thought he abandoned me because he wasn’t answering his phone. He was in the ICU, and I had multiple scares after that. I was constantly worried that the only person in the world that was unconditionally caring FOR me (not about me) either didn’t want to anymore, or that he was just going to disappear.

So my first attempt at suicide was driving on the freeway. I’d almost wrecked my car twice on purpose. The only reason I didn’t is because I could never get away from people. There’s someone walking on the side of the freaking highway. Or there’s a lot more traffic entering the highway behind me, so I can’t hurt other people, only me. So I’d slice myself open because I was like, I deserve it. I took a bunch of medication before going to bed hoping I wouldn’t wake up. That was the next real attempt.

After being diagnosed with MDD, I was given medication that made me worse at first. It was hell for like 7 days and I took half the bottle at once. Nothing freaking happened to me…I would get so mad that I’d wake up the next morning like, how is nothing wrong with me right now? My dad had forgotten about some of his medication he took some time ago for his PTSD, so I took that whole bottle. Woke up the next morning just fine. A little dizzy. I drank alcohol a lot with the medication, and still nothing. I literally gave up trying to kill myself because I didn’t want a mess for anyone to clean up and my body just wouldn’t stop functioning.

The meds actually started working after that, which was…bizarre?? Like, what the hell, right? I moved back in with my dad and I was hospitalized, I left college and after all those things, I started gradually getting better. I got rid of someone toxic and I got even better. I started focusing more on art projects I wanted to do, starting writing more stories again, starting focusing on what was important to me and remembered that I totally do have talent. I ran out of the meds and couldn’t afford to get them more, and that terrified me, but I remained okay, which was also weird at the time…

My issues weren’t cured solely by my own will and medication, even though I thought that was what it was and what most people think it would be. Having belief and faith in something has fixed me more than anything on earth ever could. I haven’t attempted to hurt myself in a few months now and I’d like to think my MDD is a lot better.

I don’t know if it ever goes away completely, but I generally feel a lot better and a lot more hopeful. I have a lot of fear that I’m that worthless, talentless idiot, but I’m trying to go through life with less worrying and just handling things one thing at a time and I think I can cope a lot better with nonsense now.

Being involved in politics/political discourse is also helpful for me, I think. Engaging in all my hobbies and going to Church every Sunday has been the very best thing I could have done.

I just wish it wasn’t different for everyone. I wish everyone could put their faith in Him and realize that they have worth and purpose and that they’re loved no matter what. I have never felt better in my life even before when I was comfortable and homeschooled and with just my dad. XDXD

Things are more complicated than then, but I’m alright now. Everything is clear.

My problems NOW are very specific and I KNOW I’ll be great if I could forgive something horrible. It’s been really hard, but I’m trying to be on my way, asking for the capacity to forgive someone for what they did. After I can let go of the hatred, I truly believe I’ll be better than I ever have been before. Hate is such a horrible thing to carry with you all the time. SMH

Life is more bearable, though, so I can focus more on it.


#55

@dqbsurf I’m so happy ur alive and getting better!


#56

Bump


#57

This thread is great! I have been going through a rough patch (months count as patches…?)


#58

I hope u get better


#59

Thanks - I have been feeling rough for a while and hopefully one day, the feeling goes away.


#60

Omg, I only read it now, I never knew about this.

I am glad you thing other then first! :two_hearts: