Suspensful Story

So I just had to write a suspenseful story and was wondering how good it is. Or how bad it is. So…here ya go:


Rustle. Alec swiveled around and saw a potted plant. He approached it warily. As soon as he got close, he turned around to run. But it was too late. The pretend flower splashed him with water, and then a bucket above dumped sparkles on him. He heard the click of a camera and immediately spotted the culprit.

Lexi. ” He said, narrowing his eyes. She grinned apologetically. He glanced around and saw Willow and Sean. But that was last year. This Halloween, they wouldn’t get away so easily.

Their feet and the rain slapped the uneven pathway to a haunted mansion. Earlier they decided that this Halloween would be the scariest. And the scariest it would be. Lexi was at home after her mother deemed the trip unsafe.

A couple times the three friends slipped on the loose pebbles and overgrown roots. And then finally, they arrived. Bags and flashlights in hand, they approached the front door.

The damp wood creaked under their weight, splintering and cracking.

“I don’t like this.” Willow shrunk away from the looming door ahead of her.

“Scared?” Alec taunted.

“Of course not.”

“Yeah right.”

“I’m NOT!” Willow steeled herself and banged on the heavy door. She meant to bang it open, but instead punched a hole straight through the wood. The wood clattered on the ground. She cradled her bruised hand.

Back at the house Lexi realized she left her notes in Alec’s house. She slipped through the crack in the window and headed to Alec’s house.

As she passed his small desk, she saw a small blue note on the side of his desk lamp. She reached for it the same time lightning crackled and thunder boomed. She quickly retracted her hand as it reached for her pounding heart. She gasped for breath before calming down. It was only a little lightning and thunder.

She stretched for it again. She attempted to open the blue paper, but instead it crumbled to pieces in her hand. She only caught one word before it slithered through her fingers. Murder. She leaped backwards, crashing into an already shattered mirror.

“Alec, check this out!” Sean called as he passed a mirror already shattered. Портал Смерти it read.

“Wonder what it says.” Alec pondered. He ran his fingers on the shards, gasping as a piece bit into his finger. A speck of blood was left on the mirror left unnoticed. Sean and Alec’s footsteps had already squeaked on the wood when the edges glowed.

Lexi squealed as the glass dug in her skin, pulling her through the mirror.

She gulped for air as she surveyed her new surroundings. Water leaked through the roof. Old wood. Dark. Scary . She stood up, almost crying as pain shot up her leg. Scratches covered her legs. She glanced at her arms and the same result occurred.

“Did you hear a thud somewhere?” Willow asked Sean.

“Uh, yeah.” Willow caught Sean’s eye and they sprinted to the noise, screeching to a stop.

“LEXI!” They shrieked. They knelt down to help her up as there was a loud clamp. And then a thud. The door behind them slammed shut. Willow automatically ran to it, scratching and slamming on it repeatedly, uselessly. They looked at the window. But it was covered with iron bars.

“Oh no, Alec’s here somewhere.” Lexi murmured quietly. She squeezed her eyes shut and stood up, spots dancing under her eyelids. She bit back the pain and hobbled over the creaking wood. A huge screen ejected from the roof onto the wall.

On it was Alec staring at two doors. One said, “Self Salvation”, and the other said, “Selflessness”. And in the fine print under “Self Salvation”, “Save yourself from a horrible doom”, and under “Selflessness”, “Save your friends”.

Sean took a deep gulp of air. Willow held her breath. Lexi turned away, before flashing back to the word on the blue paper. Murder. Chills ran down her spine, and the warm damp air suddenly turned ice cold.

“Murder. Oh no, this wasn’t-this was-I-I-I-” Lexi could barely form a sentence. Willow and Sean looked at her, one eyebrow up.

“Huh?” Willow asked.

“This was all a plan.” Lexi’s voice was barely above a whisper. “He planned this. All of this.” She hurriedly told them about the note on the desk.

“That can’t be true.” Sean said. He turned to the screen and crossed his arms stubbornly. He pointed to the screen as he saw Alec’s hand reach towards “Selflessness”. “See? He’s saving us.” He smiled triumphantly. Until he saw Alec look directly at him.

“All those pranks meant nothing to you. But lucky for me, I’m a planner. I’m cunning. And I’m out for revenge. So enjoy this last prank. Only, it’s not a prank. It’s real.” He smiled wide, but without warmth. Without feeling. Without joy. His hand lurched towards “Self Salvation” and opened it wide. He gave one last wave and marched straight through.

My thoughts:

  • ooh, a potted plant? What’s this?


  • ouch… rip Willow’s hand

  • What? Murder? Excuse me?

  • That’s Russian, is it not? (cough @Claaaire cough)

  • Pulled through the mirror?! God, this is giving me memories of Coraline.

  • Alec. ALEC?! What did you do that for you idiot :rofl:

Overall, the descriptive language was really good! Maybe you could put some metaphors, personification, similies in? (You probably had some and my lazy eyes missed it lol). The plot’s really good. I was kind of confused as to what the screen and the whole self salvation thing was? Like, I understand at first that he pointed at selflessness, but why did he point at it? And I was also a little confused as to where everyone actually was. But that’s probably just me lol. Amazing though :heart_eyes: I love these kind of stories.

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Umm, hey! Sorry, @_haruka, I kinda don’t get what you mean… Russian? What did you mean?


Is that Russian? If so, what does it mean?

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The potted plant holds a significant role in the first paragraph, especially as there is an air of suspense to figuring out it’s identity. I’d recommend devoting a line or two towards describing and fleshing it out.

Happy writing!


Thank you for telling me what you think. To be honest, I kind of had to do this for school, but when I read it through, kind of creeped me out, (I’m not the bravest person in the world) and just wanted some other opinions. So, thanks!


And it is Russian. I just hoped no one else would know that. Maybe I should just put a bunch of random words. :woman_shrugging:

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Maybe put a language that nobody knows. Russian is pretty common, maybe you could search up the most obscure languages in the world?

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The potted plant scared me :rofl::see_no_evil:

I’ll try that. Maybe it’s because I live in the US where almost no one speaks Russian. And also, the potted plant was just them playing a trick on Alec. It was a fake plant. The requirement was that I had some mysterious items in the story, so that was one of them.

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Oooh, yeah, it’s Russian. It means The portal of death

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OMINOUS :scream::scream:

I was hoping people wouldn’t figure that out…I guess I just thought people didn’t know Russian. Which was pretty stupid considering Russia is pretty big

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