Story Name: Save Me, Hero!
Author: Turtle Cat!
Type Of Review: Sour
(Haha, I didn’t see you put sour at the end until I started your review so I was praising this story so much but now I have to go back and try to be mean and picky. )
Your spelling and grammar was fine The errors didn’t really distract me from the story except for that line where the MC shouts out Accept instead of Except.
Sir, please! You must stay calm, if you go in now, you might interrupt the process. -> Sir, please! You must stay calm, if you go in now, you might interrupt the process. (Add a comma after now.)
Accept for me! -> Except for me!
Hero, you on’t know that! -> Hero, you don’t know that!
Dad, I’m sixteen years old. You got your powers when you were only, like, 7. -> Dad, I’m sixteen years old. You got your powers when you were only, like, seven.
Dammit. If only she put the room number on this sheet. -> Dammit, if only she had put the room number on this sheet.
Well more like one. -> Well, more like one.
Well I’ll be another one of your friends. -> Well, I’ll be another one of your friends.
Lighting Bolt -> Lightning Bolt (In the super power character sheet background.)
After 2 more classes, I heading towards lunch. -> After two more classes, I started heading towards lunch. (General consensus is to write out numbers under ten.)
No not to me, to the class! -> No, not to me, to the class! (It might be correct how you had it though.)
So Clair is the mean, popular girl. -> So, Clair is the mean, popular girl.
So in order for me to ride the bus home is to join a club. -> So, in order for me to ride the bus home is to join a club.
Oh my god, you are so stupid. -> Oh my God, you are so stupid.
Oh that’s fine, it’s not for everyone. -> Oh, that’s fine, it’s not for everyone.
Oh my god, get yourself together Axel! -> Oh my God, get yourself together, Axel!
You stay here while I go check out. -> You stay here while I go check it out.
I had to go through Anime Club to get you! -> I had to go through the Anime Club to get you!
Jax may be an idiot but he know what he’s doing. -> Jax may be an idiot but he knows what he’s doing.
My sister died because I was to cowardice to save her. -> My sister died because I was too much of a coward to save her.
So you guys are going after to go after another person tomorrow. -> So you guys are going to go after another person tomorrow.
He gets headaches the day before he tracks someone else down with his powers. -> (I didn’t get this one, shouldn’t he get the headache’s after? )
I’ve only been kidnapped, found out I have an older brother that wiped my brain, and that I have or going to get superpowers! -> I’ve only been kidnapped, found out I have an older brother that wiped my brain, and that I have or am going to have superpowers! (I think this sounds better.)
I forgot where these where from:
Yes sir. -> Yes, sir.
Oh I remember you! -> Oh, I remember you!
Sucks right? -> Sucks, right?
Remember to put commas after all the Oh’s, So’s, and Well’s (I didn’t do all of them here, do Ctrl+F to find them all.)
Be sure to capitalize all deities, Oh my god -> Oh my God (I’m not sure If I got them all.)
Your directing was good though nothing about it impressed me except for that profile page of Lightning Bolt. I was disappointed you didn’t do any of those in chapters 2 and 3.
I noticed that when the dad was driving Hero to school the characters placement was wrong where you couldn’t see the characters, only the car. (Sometimes the directing in from the web previewer isn’t exact so this may have shown well on the web previewer but not on the app. Be sure to preview your story in the app and check for those type of directing errors.)
It also seemed like you stopped using text effects for chapter 2 when you were using them a lot for chapter 1 and 3. There were instances where I could see that you could have used more text effects for chapter 2, so I would add those in so your story can be more consistent.
A lot of this is nitpicking but:
- I didn’t really how the characters where placed in the hallways of the school. I felt the ones further back should have been bigger.
- I didn’t like the animation’s you used to get the MC out of bed, I feel that there are better animations and directing for that.
- The directing when we see all the clubs on ch 2 was very good. (Especially the dance club! ) When the drama club Juliet kisses Romeo, have her bend down to kiss Romeo.
- When Hero and Jaxon are in the car at the end of ch 3, I feel that you should make them smaller.
I liked how you made the relatives look like Hero and you used plenty of spot directing.
Your use of music was good, when you customize the male LI you should have the label after the music so that the music doesn’t restart when you go back to the main choices. Also maybe add background so that it isn’t a black screen. (I would suggest an abstract background that depicts his personality or a school background as they are in school.)
As this is a superpower story I would love if you played around more with the directing in the future. (For example, showing us someone with telekinesis lift a water bottle.)
The choices were descent but didn’t impress me, none of them seemed to have long-term effects. To be honest, you don’t need to have any great choices to create an episode masterpiece (i.e. Dripping Mascara) but one of the strongest things in episode that beats out other writing platforms is the ability to make choices. Not having great choices means that you would need to have strong directing or writing to make your story stand out.
You stated that gold choices were important and had long lasting effects but I have yet to see proof of this. I did really like your use of toasts to explain what effect the choices had.
For customization, you wrote “Last” to go to the previous page, I would change “Last” to “Previous” as this had me confused whether clicking on it would lead me to the last page or previous page.
You asked us if we needed more time to read Lightning Bolt’s character profile, it’s good you did this but when I clicked yes and the time ran out again it didn’t as me again if I needed more time to read it. You can fix this by adding a label and a goto.
On ch 2 you did have to ask the reader to choose the outfit that they picked on the previous chapter. It would be better if you could use a gain and carry that choice over so you wouldn’t have to ask them and disrupt their reading experience. This choice made me think, ‘This author’s a novice with choices if they can’t even remember my outfit choice. So, how could I expect any choice to have long-term effects?’.
I liked how you allowed the reader to choose what questions they could ask on ch 3.
*All the chapters were a really good length.
Wow, this story really hooked me from the beginning! An fantasy/adventure story with everyone having unique abilities, that’s totally my cup of tea! It gave me My Hero Academia vibes from the start which made me even more eager to continue reading it. I really liked how you demonstrated some powers at the beginning as this really made it seem like everyone had very unique powers and then it was great how you had Hero give a agonizing yet humorous cry on how she doesn’t have any. Her name is Hero so it really emphasizes how tragic it is that she doesn’t have any powers and also tragic how her father is one of the most powerful people. I really enjoyed your humor throughout the story. I did find it really unrealistic for the principle not to have given the room number to Hero’s class. It would make more sense for Hero to know the classroom is E301 but have her not know where building E so that Erin will tell her about it. Erin then tells Hero has the same class as her because their classes have the same name? This doesn’t make sense, how is there not multiple classes of that subject being taught? Unless Erin looked at Hero’s schedule would she know that it’s the same class but I don’t think that we were told she did. If I missed it then I apologize, but if I didn’t. then I suggest you add a line stating that Erin glanced at Hero’s schedule or that Hero told Erin the name of the teacher that’s teaching that class. To be honest, this is the point of the story were I feared that the story might become cliche, as the notion of starting the story in the MC’s first day of class and having her ask someone for directions then having her develop a relationship with the person who she asked, as well as sit next to a really hot guy, has been done thousands of times before. But I really liked Erin’s introduction! The way she gives those weird phrases then states that she loves being called weird made her a really unique and interesting character for me. I noticed that in chapters 2 and 3 she stopped using those weird phrases so I would suggest for you to continue having her say them.
I generally don’t like when the characters break the fourth wall. This occurred when the MC said, “Turtles, that’s the best the author can come up with?”, but a lot of authors do this so it’s fine…
Going through all the clubs and seeing their unique characteristics was fun for me though I can imagine some readers being bored by this. Ahhhh, so cool how you had an Anime club. All the members seemed super dorky but that would totally be my club! I however have never heard a big One Piece fan give praise to Bleach so I would actually make Bleach and My Hero Academia switch places, unless it’s part of Erin’s personality to be a big Bleach fan as everyone seems to love My Hero not everyone loves Naruto, Bleach or One Piece in real life. After mentioning My Hero Academia in your story I do feel that it inspired you to write this story so having everyone agree they like My Hero, could be like an invisible wink to the audience. I liked the directing you did for all the clubs and it made me curious to see those two guys going to the same clubs as Hero and Erin. I actually thought that they were coincidences that they were viewing the same clubs, so I thought it was brilliant how in ch 3 it’s explained that the Jaxon had actually been following Hero. I figured early on that Axel was the Hero’s brother because of how alike they looked. This intrigued me and made me curious as to why Hero didn’t know about her brother. However, I would make Axel have a different eye color than the MC so it isn’t as obvious that they are siblings making the reader question throughout the chapter whether they could be related. This chapter however, was disappointing. It really seemed cliche, what made this different than any of the other one thousand first day of school and looking for clubs stories in episode? What’s more, we were told about the mean girl of the school just like in any other high school story. Maybe have her do show us she’s mean instead of Erin telling us she is so she could leave us with a bigger first impression. It really seemed that the super powers concept was completely dropped. Why weren’t any of the students using their powers of school? Is it a rule that they can’t use their powers at school? How is this school with super power students different from our schools in real life? If you had applied the concept of super powers in the school then I really think that would have made this chapter stand out more. If super powers are ignored for a large part in this world then should we even care if Hero even gets powers? How does Hero feel about the other students having powers? Is she jealous or depressed? She acts like a regular high school student so that doesn’t seem to be the case. Do the other students care or know that she doesn’t have powers and that she’s related to one of the most powerful heros? Is Hero trying to hide this fact from the other students?
I like Jaxon’s snark though and the reception lady’s thoughts to their fighting was funny. We’re shown the members of that kidnapped Hero, giving me an adventurous/mysterious vibe and making me curious about them. We have been told about the threat of Black Fairy but if you explained and shown how she’s a threat then it would intensify the story more. Hero got told she has powers, but this would have made a bigger impact if we knew what it was like for Hero to live in a world where everyone has powers except for her and where her father is one of the most powerful super powered people. I liked Jaxon and Axel’s conversation and how you showed how their view points differ. I think you could have made the conversation be deeper though. I think your characters could use more development as well, maybe by giving them more quirks and differing character traits. I still don’t have a good grasp on where the plot at this point (why are this group of people trying to gather the most powerful people?) but I’m interested in learning more.
This story started with great potential, but the school cliche setting ruined a lot of my enjoyment of it. If the story had better world building where we would see what it was like for Hero to live in a world where her father is the world’s most powerful hero, how people treat her without any super powers and what threats the world she lives in faces then it would have made the story a lot more powerful. 7/10
Ooof, I wrote a lot. Sorry if a lot of it is rambling.
This story was quite enjoyable! I look forward to seeing how this awesome story will develop. Be sure to keep requesting reviews from others to help you improve your story! Let me know if you have any questions.