Story Name: Daizees
Author Name: KPZ
Type of Review: Sweet
I hardly noticed any misspellings and mostly noticed errors with commas and punctuation.
You will now have the option of customizing yourself (Sarina) and/ or Silas (main love interest). -> You will now have the option of customizing yourself (Sarina) and/or Silas (main love interest). (Took the space out before the or.)
“There is a light that never goes out” -> “There is a light that never goes out.”
The next one is called “Can’t Get Over You” -> The next one is called, “Can’t Get Over You.”
I love you Silas. -> I love you, Silas.
Um excuse me? -> Um, excuse me?
Yes. You can get me a Medium Mocha Chocolate Latte extra whip cream extra hot. -> Yes. You can get me a medium Mocha Chocolate Latte, extra whip cream, extra hot.
Of course ma’am. Would you like a-- -> Of course, ma’am. Would you like a–
No I would like a chocolate muffin with that. -> No, I would like a chocolate muffin with that.
What’s so funny Heather? -> What’s so funny, Heather?
So do you think were ready for the Ruby Room gig on Friday? -> So, do you think we’re ready for the Ruby Room gig on Friday?
Well I just know she would hate leaving Miles behind, the only time they’re apart is when she’s on stage -> Well, I just know she would hate leaving Miles behind, the only time they’re apart is when she’s on stage.
Oh… Hi Damian. -> Oh… Hi, Damian.
HEY that was one time. -> HEY, that was one time.
Yeah and fluffy now has PTSD! -> Yeah, and fluffy now has PTSD!
I got an ice cold drink waiting for me so -> I got an ice cold drink waiting for me so…
It’s ok babe, I understand, you’re here now. -> It’s ok, babe, I understand, you’re here now.
What do you mean Damian? -> What do you mean, Damian?
Oh hey babe? -> Oh hey, babe?
Please don’t ever refer to my friend as a “b****” -> Please don’t ever refer to my friend as a “b****.”
Sorry babe, it’s just came out. -> Sorry babe, it just came out.
So do I get a hello kiss already? -> So, can I get a hello kiss already?
Sure babe. -> Sure, babe.
Yeah babe, it’s just hard keeping this secret from the girls. -> Yeah, babe, it’s just hard keeping this secret from the girls.
Ok baby I’ll be over in a bit. -> Ok, baby, I’ll be over in a bit.
So, babe, are you ready to get out of here? -> So, babe, are you ready to get out of here?
Actually I thought I would stay here for a little while longer -> Actually, I thought I would stay here for a little while longer.
Yeah, babe, -> Yeah, babe,
Ok darling see you in a minute. -> Ok, darling see you in a minute.
Hey what’s up man, are you Damian? -> Hey, what’s up man, are you Damian?
No I am not he’s actually in the back finishing your piece up. -> No, I am not he’s actually in the back finishing your piece up.
I gotta say it’s pretty bada**, I haven’t seen a phoenix tattoo in a while. -> I gotta say it’s pretty bad*ss, I haven’t seen a phoenix tattoo in a while.
Darling, my sister is outside were heading to the boutiques, see you at home? -> Darling, my sister is outside we’re heading to the boutiques, see you at home?
Sorry about that I was just trying to think quick, I got lost in your beauty for a second -> Sorry about that, I was thinking quickly, I got lost in your beauty for a second.
booty -> booty.
Trust me it wasn’t. -> Trust me I wasn’t.
So why -> So, why
Well I already know -> Well, I already know
So what -> So, what
see ya around Santa! -> see ya around, Santa!
ghost -> ghost.
happiness -> happiness.
world -> world.
F*** -> f***
Sorry man didn’t see you there. -> Sorry man, didn’t see you there.
I think it’s some of my best work yet I do say so myself. -> I think it’s some of my best work yet if I do say so myself.
Oh god pleas say no -> Oh God, please say no.
You ready to go babe? -> You ready to go, babe?
Yeah let’s go. -> Yeah, let’s go.
So that tattoo -> So, that tattoo
Yeah I guess so. -> Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah that’s his name, remember? ->Yeah, that’s his name, remember?
Oh well when I came into the shop I heard Reagan call him that before he to the back to get you. -> Oh well, when I came into the shop, I heard Reagan call him that before he went to the back to get you.
You have a great memory, babe.-> You have a great memory, babe.
So babe -> So, babe,
babe ->, babe. (when ending a sentence with babe.)
Oh right, sorry I’m Tallulah, I’m a big fan of the Daizees. -> Oh right, sorry, I’m Tallulah, I’m a big fan of the Daizees.
Well -> Well,
No -> No,
Yes I am. -> Yes, I am.
nap -> nap.
Hmm I wonder -> Hmm, I wonder
Hey Sarina! -> Hey, Sarina!
Your’re missing punctuation in the scene of all the band members gathered together.
Well I am one of the best artists in So Cal if I do say so myself -> Well, I am one of the best artists in SoCal if I do say so myself.
Um bro? -> Um, bro?
sec -> sec.
Yeah, I’m good. -> Yeah, I’m good.
Your’re missing punctuation in the scene of young Silas and young Sarina.
or he won’t go to Ireland anymore -> …or he won’t go to Ireland anymore.
What’s wrong beautiful? -> What’s wrong, beautiful?
Make sure you have punctuation at the end of each sentence. (I didn’t catch all of them.)
Make sure you have commas before a name (or other name titles/substitutes) when it’s mentioned at the end of a sentence and you’re addressing the person, such as in “Hello, Sarina”, “Yes, sir”, or “Thank you, sweetie.” (I didn’t catch them all.)
Remember to put commas after Yes, No, Oh, So, Um, Aw, Yeah, Ok, and Well when you start a sentence with them when required (which is most of the time). (I didn’t do all of them here, do Ctrl+F to find them all.)
To be honest, I don’t really get commas completely. I think having commas after ‘So’, ‘Aw’, and ‘Oh’ can be optional, but I noticed you did add commas after ‘So’ sometimes in the story so for consistency make sure that all your So’s have commas. (You definitely need commas in most cases after Ok, Well, Yes, No, & Yeah.)
You used plenty of spot directing which I liked! The proportions of all the characters always seemed right to me which was so awesome as sometimes stories that contain background characters that aren’t well proportioned to other characters disrupts my reading experience a bit.
It was awesome how you showed us Silas’s tattoo.
If you’d like to make your directing to stand out a bit more, you could use overlays, such as by having some overlay lights in the beginning of the story when the band is performing. (Maybe you could add a filter as well for flashbacks if you think that would improve your story.)
I didn’t notice any spot directing mistakes except for 2-3 instances, this is where we see the character and then the fade happens or the fade will happen and then the characters showed up. I’m sorry I didn’t write them down somewhere so I could tell you about them. I think one of them happened when Tallulah was talking to Sarina outside where they practice. For these, you probably can’t actually see them in the portal, you’d have to use the episode app to test your story. These are really minor directing errors, very clean directing overall!
It was cool how we can customize ourselves and love interest in the past and present! Customization was limited, I think, because you wanted to include some character details in the narration which I liked. I chose long hair but I think I remember seeing short hairs in the customization for Sarina (but maybe I’m imagining it?) make sure there isn’t any as Silas describes her with long her.
I also liked the outfit choices you did for ch 3.
You could add more choices if you’d like, as choices allow readers to engage more in the story and having complex choices can make it stand out. I didn’t mind that there weren’t other choices though. For me, stories that have many choices but that don’t have any long term effects are the same as stories that have no choices.
I was pretty drawn to the story in the opening of how you introduced the dream sequence then let the harsh reality suddenly set in. In the dream, Sarina imagines Silas instead of Damian wish I find interesting. Does that mean Sarina still has feelings for Silas…? I liked how Sarina introduced the band members in the dream sequence since she gave them all unique notable traits that the reader can go by when they are mentioned or appear in the story. They band members seemed to be more like secondary characters however, I think your story will improve if you go a little deeper into their personality. Like you mentioned Sola is fearless so I hope in the story we’ll get to see moments where she is indeed fearless. I’m curious to know how Luna became an animal right activist cause that is awesome! It seems Lux is dealing with some problems and that makes me want to know more about her and seeing how it affects the band. I also liked the band fangirl and the humor in the story.
I really liked how you introduced Silas in the past. It was so unique how he was wearing a Santa suit. I hope we are given more information on why Sarina fell for Silas. I also hope you draw contrasts between Damian and Silas and how her feelings change for both of them. I’d also like you to go deeper into Sarina. Why did Silas fall for her? What are some notable traits and quirks she has? I’m pretty curious to why she had to break up with Silas and ditched him on the plane. Eager to find that out!
I’m surprised how entertaining I found this story! I’m usually not drawn to romance/drama stories but this one I found pretty entertaining. I think in part is because I’m interested in Silas and the dynamic between the characters, Sarina, Silas and Damian. Silas feels very well written, and I enjoyed listening to his thoughts the most. I really liked the reasoning behind him getting his phoenix tattoo. I think playing as the two characters, Sarina and Silas, the and seeing the similarities and differences of how they are dealing with heartbreak, works really well for this story! I do wonder if Silas will get another love interest.
Hope this helped! Be sure to keep requesting reviews to help you improve.