Sweet & Sour Reviews! - Closed

[M.Soulia]

Oh! No, no, no, I’m glad you brought all of this to my attention so I can understand your story more and you should definitely fault the reviewer to help me improve!

Ohhh, so she moved to a community were no one has powers. Maybe I read too fast and missed that really important bit of information, that’t interesting and brings a new perspective.

I see, the Romeo and Juliet thing makes more sense!

Erin’s my favorite character, hehe maybe Jaxon is my second favorite because I like his sass.

You’re welcome! I am trying to be super picky on the sour reviews, really take my commentary with a grain of salt and decide what’s best. I’ll look forward to reading more chapters of your story!

Hahaha, CC is love!

[Turtle_Cat]

Thank you! I know I keep saying it, but this really helped. Glad I could clear this up! CC is love

[M.Soulia]

I’m really glad it’s helped, my greatest hope in this is that my reviews can help with your stories.

[M.Soulia]

Story Name: The Pregnancy Curse
Author: Dr. Smile
Type Of Review: Sour

Grammar:
Hardly any grammar mistakes, and I had to look real hard… nice.

Ch 1:
Oh, yes we can, and the man of the house, AKA me approves. -> Oh, yes we can, and the man of the house, AKA I approves. (I think )

It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig but don’t laugh. It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig but don’t laugh. It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig but don’t laugh. -> It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig, but don’t laugh… It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig, but don’t laugh… It looks like she’s wearing a crooked wig, but don’t laugh… (I think maybe there should be comma before but, and I think doing … looks better)

Look, an unicorn. -> Look, a unicorn.

We just wanted to say hi and ask you who is your friend. -> We just wanted to say hi and ask you who your friend is.

semiacquaintances -> semi-acquaintances (on the second golden choice)

And Although I was right in most cases, people are more than what meets the eye. -> And although I was right in most cases, people are more than what meets the eye.
I think the schedule message said PE. -> I think the schedule said PE. (What’s a schedule message?)

Hello, I’m your new coach, Coach Crazy. -> Hello, I’m your new coach, coach Crazy.

Ch 2:
Ok, calm down, maybe if you change your tactics,he’ll listen and abide. -> Ok, calm down, maybe if you change your tactics, he’ll listen and abide.

But trust me when I tell you that in a near future you’re in for a big surprise. -> But trust me when I tell you that, in a near future, you’re in for a big surprise.

Ch 3:
He didn’t say it often, but I knew was overprotective because he cared. -> He didn’t say it often, but I knew he was overprotective because he cared.

He looked as mystical as ever in his calm, secluded, rear positioning. -> He looked as mystical as ever in his calm, secluded, rear position.

Directing:
Your directing was really impressive. That intro was really cool, something you can do to make it cooler would be to make animate the spray paint more. So instead of fading it in and making a bigger, you could use several overlays so it can look more animated. (Just a suggestion that seems would require more work. )

Ch 1.
You do not need to do the flashback = filter toast as this is pretty obvious.

Maybe if you add a sound effect to the Exposed red letters it’ll make it cooler/funnier. (I’m thinking maybe the alarm danger sound one might fit it.)

The directing of when Tristan is talking to John in the car isn’t correct. You can’t see the characters.

Ch 2:
You can’t see the D in Don’t Know And Don’t Care’s screen name. Maybe you can direct them a bit more to the right so this isn’t a problem… but it doesn’t really matter that much.

Ch 3:
The outside of the cafe doesn’t match the cafe’s inside Mexican theme much.
When Talisha is on the spell room, there where these blue lights on the top left of her head that suddenly banished.

Choices:
Well use of choices! Your choices provided long term effects throughout the story such as making characters
act a certain way due to a choice picked and getting bonus scenes if they selected the correct choices.

However, I actually didn’t really like the way you used choices. If the reader wants a character to act a certain in a way but doesn’t because they believe that picking that choice will not allow them to accumulate points for the extra scene then this feels like a detriment to the story. What does the taste the reader has for certain choices have to do with whether they should be allowed to view the extra scene?

What’s more, the choices in this story left me confused. At first, they increased the MC’s comedy points
but then that concept was dropped and they increased… points for the special scene only? Then you tell us that we can view the extra scene by picking the correct choices but what makes the choices correct? (I apologize if perhaps you explained this bit but I missed it.) It seems that the correct choices where those where Tristan was the most kind and considerate to others. If so, then the choices appear to increase Tristan’s affability. Then perhaps, you can make the case that because Tristan is more considerate of others and is letting others in it therefore allows the reader to also get closer to those characters thus they are allowed to view the bonus scenes of the other characters. (Making Tristan and the reader as one.)

So, what I would recommend, is that when you explain what the golden choices are, you state that they increase Tristan’s kindness/affability and that you don’t give Carmela an increase of those points.

I really liked how you explained blue choices and golden choices as they appeared in the story.

Also, I think you overused the toasts. You kept telling us on ch 3 that whenever Tristan showed up drunk that this was because of our choice. This was obvious so there was no need to keep telling us about it.

(This is just my preference but I’m starting to get annoyed when authors tell us when the choice we made made an impact by using a toast. I sometimes like to infer if something that I picked caused the scene/dialogue to happened. Of course, others like to know their effect of their choices. )

Commentary
*All chapters where a good length.
*Characters where diverse and unique.

When I first started this story, I was afraid I would not like it that much because I hated all the characters but the characters seemed unique and then Carmela showed up. The humor is great and wonderful how you incorporate it with the directing. I liked your narration, such as the way you described your character’s appearances and attributes. I still don’t see any good attributes in Tristan… except for his humor by the way he roasts people, so make sure we get to see them (eventually), haha.

I don’t understand why Carmela can’t read Sanjay… like really? He’s the only person she can’t read at all in all her life? There better be a good explanation for this, if not, then I’d prefer that he’d be one of the few people she can read only very little of. I’m thinking that maybe she can’t read him because he’s the first person she’s ever crushed on. I like him as a character but he doesn’t seem that special. He mainly just seems nice yet not really innocent.

Because this story is so well grounded I did not expect there to be a fantasy element and that through me off guard. Perhaps foreshadow the fantasy in the beginning of the story, such as by having people say that Talisha is a wish because she did something and showing that something or by showing her in the magic room performing incantations.

As this story is in comedy, I’ll mention that I never actually laughed. (It’s hard to make me actually laugh.) Still, I enjoyed your humor. Some characters that were there for comedy did not seem like real people and where more like caricatures as they were written for the purpose of comedy. I think this is completely fine though, and fits with the story. Sometimes you don’t even know if a character is being serious or pretending to be dumb, like Carmela’s grandfather, which is brilliant.

I definitely think Tristan is falling slowly for Carmela and he doesn’t realize it. But I don’t think Carmela will fall for him unless he makes a drastic change.

Overall:
This is a really high quality and unique story, with beautiful directing and well developed and unique characters, that is completely all about being anti-cliche. 9/10 (I’d probably give it 10/10 but the choice problem I have is holding me back. )

[Dr.Smile07]

Thank you so much, this helped a lot! I was thinking about adding purple choices (which matter but don’t give you points) but I changed my mind because I thought it’d be confusing for the reader to remember which kind of choice is which. Yeah, it’s hard to make me laugh too, but I added the jokes because it’s a comedy and that’s just the way it is in comedies. Your feedback will be taken into account and I’ll fix the previous errors. <3

[M.Soulia]

Ahhh, you’re welcome. It’s a compliment that it’s helped you and that motivates me to continue reviewing. (I’m a newbie reviewer.)

Ooo purples choices, that’s interesting. Your story’s comedy was great! I wish I could laugh more in general.

[M.Soulia]

Story Name: Daizees
Author Name: KPZ
Type of Review: Sweet

Grammar
I hardly noticed any misspellings and mostly noticed errors with commas and punctuation.

You will now have the option of customizing yourself (Sarina) and/ or Silas (main love interest). -> You will now have the option of customizing yourself (Sarina) and/or Silas (main love interest). (Took the space out before the or.)

“There is a light that never goes out” -> “There is a light that never goes out.”

The next one is called “Can’t Get Over You” -> The next one is called, “Can’t Get Over You.”

I love you Silas. -> I love you, Silas.

Um excuse me? -> Um, excuse me?

Yes. You can get me a Medium Mocha Chocolate Latte extra whip cream extra hot. -> Yes. You can get me a medium Mocha Chocolate Latte, extra whip cream, extra hot.

Of course ma’am. Would you like a-- -> Of course, ma’am. Would you like a–

No I would like a chocolate muffin with that. -> No, I would like a chocolate muffin with that.

What’s so funny Heather? -> What’s so funny, Heather?

So do you think were ready for the Ruby Room gig on Friday? -> So, do you think we’re ready for the Ruby Room gig on Friday?

Well I just know she would hate leaving Miles behind, the only time they’re apart is when she’s on stage -> Well, I just know she would hate leaving Miles behind, the only time they’re apart is when she’s on stage.

Oh… Hi Damian. -> Oh… Hi, Damian.

HEY that was one time. -> HEY, that was one time.

Yeah and fluffy now has PTSD! -> Yeah, and fluffy now has PTSD!

I got an ice cold drink waiting for me so -> I got an ice cold drink waiting for me so…

It’s ok babe, I understand, you’re here now. -> It’s ok, babe, I understand, you’re here now.

What do you mean Damian? -> What do you mean, Damian?

Oh hey babe? -> Oh hey, babe?

Please don’t ever refer to my friend as a “b****” -> Please don’t ever refer to my friend as a “b****.”

Sorry babe, it’s just came out. -> Sorry babe, it just came out.

So do I get a hello kiss already? -> So, can I get a hello kiss already?

Sure babe. -> Sure, babe.

Yeah babe, it’s just hard keeping this secret from the girls. -> Yeah, babe, it’s just hard keeping this secret from the girls.

Ok baby I’ll be over in a bit. -> Ok, baby, I’ll be over in a bit.

So, babe, are you ready to get out of here? -> So, babe, are you ready to get out of here?

Actually I thought I would stay here for a little while longer -> Actually, I thought I would stay here for a little while longer.

Yeah, babe, -> Yeah, babe,

Ok darling see you in a minute. -> Ok, darling see you in a minute.

Hey what’s up man, are you Damian? -> Hey, what’s up man, are you Damian?

No I am not he’s actually in the back finishing your piece up. -> No, I am not he’s actually in the back finishing your piece up.

I gotta say it’s pretty bada**, I haven’t seen a phoenix tattoo in a while. -> I gotta say it’s pretty bad*ss, I haven’t seen a phoenix tattoo in a while.

Darling, my sister is outside were heading to the boutiques, see you at home? -> Darling, my sister is outside we’re heading to the boutiques, see you at home?

Sorry about that I was just trying to think quick, I got lost in your beauty for a second -> Sorry about that, I was thinking quickly, I got lost in your beauty for a second.

booty -> booty.

Trust me it wasn’t. -> Trust me I wasn’t.

So why -> So, why

Well I already know -> Well, I already know

So what -> So, what

see ya around Santa! -> see ya around, Santa!

ghost -> ghost.

happiness -> happiness.

world -> world.

F*** -> f***

Sorry man didn’t see you there. -> Sorry man, didn’t see you there.

I think it’s some of my best work yet I do say so myself. -> I think it’s some of my best work yet if I do say so myself.

Oh god pleas say no -> Oh God, please say no.

You ready to go babe? -> You ready to go, babe?

Yeah let’s go. -> Yeah, let’s go.

So that tattoo -> So, that tattoo

Yeah I guess so. -> Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah that’s his name, remember? ->Yeah, that’s his name, remember?

Oh well when I came into the shop I heard Reagan call him that before he to the back to get you. -> Oh well, when I came into the shop, I heard Reagan call him that before he went to the back to get you.

You have a great memory, babe.-> You have a great memory, babe.

So babe -> So, babe,

babe ->, babe. (when ending a sentence with babe.)

Oh right, sorry I’m Tallulah, I’m a big fan of the Daizees. -> Oh right, sorry, I’m Tallulah, I’m a big fan of the Daizees.

Well -> Well,

No -> No,

Yes I am. -> Yes, I am.

nap -> nap.

Hmm I wonder -> Hmm, I wonder

Hey Sarina! -> Hey, Sarina!

Your’re missing punctuation in the scene of all the band members gathered together.

Well I am one of the best artists in So Cal if I do say so myself -> Well, I am one of the best artists in SoCal if I do say so myself.

Um bro? -> Um, bro?

sec -> sec.

Yeah, I’m good. -> Yeah, I’m good.

Your’re missing punctuation in the scene of young Silas and young Sarina.

or he won’t go to Ireland anymore -> …or he won’t go to Ireland anymore.

What’s wrong beautiful? -> What’s wrong, beautiful?

Make sure you have punctuation at the end of each sentence. (I didn’t catch all of them.)

Make sure you have commas before a name (or other name titles/substitutes) when it’s mentioned at the end of a sentence and you’re addressing the person, such as in “Hello, Sarina”, “Yes, sir”, or “Thank you, sweetie.” (I didn’t catch them all.)

Remember to put commas after Yes, No, Oh, So, Um, Aw, Yeah, Ok, and Well when you start a sentence with them when required (which is most of the time). (I didn’t do all of them here, do Ctrl+F to find them all.)

To be honest, I don’t really get commas completely. I think having commas after ‘So’, ‘Aw’, and ‘Oh’ can be optional, but I noticed you did add commas after ‘So’ sometimes in the story so for consistency make sure that all your So’s have commas. (You definitely need commas in most cases after Ok, Well, Yes, No, & Yeah.)

Directing
You used plenty of spot directing which I liked! The proportions of all the characters always seemed right to me which was so awesome as sometimes stories that contain background characters that aren’t well proportioned to other characters disrupts my reading experience a bit.

It was awesome how you showed us Silas’s tattoo.

If you’d like to make your directing to stand out a bit more, you could use overlays, such as by having some overlay lights in the beginning of the story when the band is performing. (Maybe you could add a filter as well for flashbacks if you think that would improve your story.)

I didn’t notice any spot directing mistakes except for 2-3 instances, this is where we see the character and then the fade happens or the fade will happen and then the characters showed up. I’m sorry I didn’t write them down somewhere so I could tell you about them. I think one of them happened when Tallulah was talking to Sarina outside where they practice. For these, you probably can’t actually see them in the portal, you’d have to use the episode app to test your story. These are really minor directing errors, very clean directing overall!

Choices:
It was cool how we can customize ourselves and love interest in the past and present! Customization was limited, I think, because you wanted to include some character details in the narration which I liked. I chose long hair but I think I remember seeing short hairs in the customization for Sarina (but maybe I’m imagining it?) make sure there isn’t any as Silas describes her with long her.

I also liked the outfit choices you did for ch 3.

You could add more choices if you’d like, as choices allow readers to engage more in the story and having complex choices can make it stand out. I didn’t mind that there weren’t other choices though. For me, stories that have many choices but that don’t have any long term effects are the same as stories that have no choices.

Commentary:
I was pretty drawn to the story in the opening of how you introduced the dream sequence then let the harsh reality suddenly set in. In the dream, Sarina imagines Silas instead of Damian wish I find interesting. Does that mean Sarina still has feelings for Silas…? I liked how Sarina introduced the band members in the dream sequence since she gave them all unique notable traits that the reader can go by when they are mentioned or appear in the story. They band members seemed to be more like secondary characters however, I think your story will improve if you go a little deeper into their personality. Like you mentioned Sola is fearless so I hope in the story we’ll get to see moments where she is indeed fearless. I’m curious to know how Luna became an animal right activist cause that is awesome! It seems Lux is dealing with some problems and that makes me want to know more about her and seeing how it affects the band. I also liked the band fangirl and the humor in the story.

I really liked how you introduced Silas in the past. It was so unique how he was wearing a Santa suit. I hope we are given more information on why Sarina fell for Silas. I also hope you draw contrasts between Damian and Silas and how her feelings change for both of them. I’d also like you to go deeper into Sarina. Why did Silas fall for her? What are some notable traits and quirks she has? I’m pretty curious to why she had to break up with Silas and ditched him on the plane. Eager to find that out!

I’m surprised how entertaining I found this story! I’m usually not drawn to romance/drama stories but this one I found pretty entertaining. I think in part is because I’m interested in Silas and the dynamic between the characters, Sarina, Silas and Damian. Silas feels very well written, and I enjoyed listening to his thoughts the most. I really liked the reasoning behind him getting his phoenix tattoo. I think playing as the two characters, Sarina and Silas, the and seeing the similarities and differences of how they are dealing with heartbreak, works really well for this story! I do wonder if Silas will get another love interest.

Hope this helped! Be sure to keep requesting reviews to help you improve.

[Days]

Hi, I know this is closed but I previously requested and was wondering are you closed to catch up with the previous requests?

[M.Soulia]

Hi! Yes, it’s closed so I can catch up. They’re being done slowly but I eventually hope to catch up to yours.