I ask myself if I am forever doomed to walk alone, looking at the empty space beside me and only smiling when I picture a face there, a certain face, and the things we could do if only
I don’t like to be lonely just because I like to be alone
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I ask what is it that makes me so damn unlovable?
Is it the fact that I’m average looking at best? Painfully shy around some people? Is it that that I’m just a nobody? Is it something I amn’t even seeing?
I just want the luxury of at least being able to know where I’m going wrong.
Am I asking too much?
I just want to be enough
For the world, for my peers, for my family, for my own impossible standards
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When I was a little girl, I imagined myself as a beautiful and perfect high school girl who had everything together. I’m sorry little Mehek, I’m so sorry that you turned into the failure I am.
People can tell me that I’m doing fine, that I’m not a failure all they want. It won’t stop me from believing it. Even if I was perfect in every way, I would still be dissatisfied.
I will never be enough for myself
I guess it makes a little more sense now- if I amn’t even enough for myself, the one person I’m stuck with forever, how can I ever be even close to enough for others?
I never know how to stop myself, I can never just live in a moment anymore
And I regret so much of my life. I don’t know how to just be a teen anymore, these aren’t anywhere near the ‘best years of my life’ I was told they would be, and maybe they could be amazing years if I hadn’t dug myself into this hole
I just want a do-over. I want to try again, and I want to do it right this time.
Not that I’d ever be happy with however I redid it anyway, but maybe I could at least be able to hate myself a little less
there’s an Indian classic movie with this one song, and I keep coming back to it. the main chorus is “give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance I want to grow up once again”. the realities of that song and that movie are being realized for me more and more.
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I live for the future, but for once in my life, I want to be in a moment and enjoy it and realize there is no other place, no other time, no other moment I’d ever rather be in, am I asking for too much?!
I apologize for spamming, I’m feeling emotional tonight
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I’ve been realizing more and more I need to get the story I’ve been vague about out of me and I feel ready now, but I still want to wait. I am a little emotional tonight, I want to be in a perfectly clear state of mind when I’m sharing my story.
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