i feel like XD and xD and xd all have very different connotations ya feel me
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XD is very excited
xD is pleasantly delighted
and xd is just. sad
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that feel when you realize you dated your science test 3/19/2017
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xD
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There have been a lot of magic school RPs though, even one with kids might not be unique…
sometimes, I begin to ask myself how I ever fell for him in the first place. I question my own heart. and every time, I realize that for every question I ask, there is an answer, for every challenge my mind issues, my heart defeats it.
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I’ve sworn that I would tell our story someday when I’m ready. I feel ready but at the same time, I’m so afraid of letting it out of my heart, somewhere where people know me as a bit more than some anonymous girl with fake initials on an anonymous vent site
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the one question my mind has that my heart can’t answer is how to let go of this, how to share my story and how to release the fear in me that someone will find it, someone could trace it even though nobody knows it, that he could find it, he could trace it, that the extent of how unconventional and seemingly desperate and emotional it is will bring questions from others
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I’m agnostic, yet from time to time, I find myself embracing the religion I was raised with to pray for him. I used to believe we chose our own destinies until I realized nothing but fate could’ve led us to collide the way we did because of the sheer laughable impossibility of it.
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he is a boy who’s taken more blows from life than someone like him deserves, who’s possibly the strongest person I know for somehow hanging on through it, who doesn’t believe in himself quite as much as he deserves to be believed in. I am a girl just keeping her head down, and hoping and planning and living for the future (and him) and failing at meeting her own impossible standards. we have so much in common and yet so many differences, to explain them all would take ages.
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I don’t quite know how I fell. endless nights I’ll never forget and can’t remember, endless conversations until it was late, so many thoughts of him in everything everywhere, helping each other up and empathizing whenever the other needed it, rules and expectations shattered, the kind of relationship I didn’t know I’d needed in my life until I found it.
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prom night with him, when I took a risk of my parents having suspicion about us and downloaded the app we chat on and came up with an elaborate just-in-case lie so I could spend the night talking to him, standing there on the balcony of the venue alone, my friends on the other side of it and a couple I didn’t know making out to my left, staring at the city and I sent a picture of the night, said how beautiful it was and wished I could share it with someone, realized he was the person I’d want to share that moment with the most.
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and this is nowhere near the whole story, just bits and pieces and feelings threaded together, but it’s the best I can do and what I need right now. I didn’t realize I was in love at first really. I thought it was a very strong crush, until the moment I almost lost him and realized, he’s a part of me, part of my heart is his, and I couldn’t bear the weight of possibly losing him
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and at first, I was in denial. I couldn’t love someone online, and there was no way someone online could be a first love either. I was the perfect Mehek, the Mehek who met every expectation, fitted every norm, and rarely made exceptions. he was one of the few because we both needed friends like each other. the perfect, expectation-filling, average background student Mehek couldn’t love someone, not at this age, and certainly not online, she was supposed to wait until college and then find her one, find him IRL and that was what was expected. this was never a part of her plan.
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and then I began to accept it after a failed attempt to talk myself out of it (it worked for a time, and then it didn’t). accepting it was difficult. it went against all the norms I had needed to follow. accepting it was not Mehek. but at some point, it became Mehek and there was no other Mehek that had ever been or could ever be.
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so what now? I wait. I wait another year patiently impatiently until I go off to college and we can finally meet each other and go on all the adventures we’ve promised to go on together somehow someday and I reject who I am to fulfill the old impulse and pray we’ll both make it to that day
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I’m a realist though. I don’t expect this to be some YA fantastic realistic fiction where your two main characters have found their soulmates and click the second they meet and spend forever together after the ordeals of spending so long separately, connected only soul to soul, keyboard to keyboard, (though that would be rather nice if it were). He’s an amazing guy even if he doesn’t think so, and I know odds are some girl will see that, and they’ll end up together, and although my heart’s a traitor to this, I know that if the day comes, I will set aside this and be proud of and happy for my best friend, no matter what happens to us.
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it’s strangely freeing writing all this out though there is still so much left. the way I smile at my laptop when we talk. the way I cried (happy tears) on Thanksgiving day because of the words he said. the way my traitor of a heart sings, through this illogical and unlikely situation. every time I ask myself how it was me and him out of all the ways that evening we met could’ve gone, out of all the people in the world, how I had enough dumb luck or amazing fate for things to go this way. the way the distance feels impossible though I know if there’s two people who can breach it, it’s us. the way he knows what to say when I’m lost. the way I wish we met IRL instead of online, but I know it never would’ve happened the way it did if we did meet IRL. so much more. I don’t have the time for all of it.
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im listening to “she lays down” by The 1975, crying and chatting my boyfriend lol why tho I should be sleeping
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gahhh it’s 6:17 in the morning over here i wish i were asleep
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