Our twenty-second story for our Community Book Club was reviewed by five people, and all the scores will be an average. The book was…
My Kalona, by Ray Edwin (@Ray_Edwin)
It’s a fantasy and here’s the link.
About: While 17 yr old Naomi desperately tries to bond with her estranged father, she becomes the prisoner of a Native-American curse that threatens all. Help Naomi defeat the curse!
This story was recommended by @JiangShi!
First Impression (Cover/title/summary)
Rating: 3.4
The cover was very eye-catching. It contained beautiful font, a cool bird, and a sad girl. Also, loved how the author included their name on the story cover. The description also sounds very interesting and My Kalona is a very unique story name. … Both the cover and the title looked/sounded mysterious. … The summary really got this one reader interested and made them want to start reading, but the cover and title weren’t really up to much.
The story (Content and Flow)
Rating: 4.16
So far, it flows smoothly and it ended up on a cliffhanger where Naomi accidentally dials her father. This leaves the reader curious for more. … The story was engaging from the start. The writer used a lot of show-not-tell, which was great. It was well-paced and gripping. The cliffhangers were excellent. … The chapters were long enough and usually ended with cliffhangers that made the reader want to read on. They never felt bored or thought the scenes or dialogue was unnecessary.
One of the readers thought the chapters seemed really short, finishing them in about five minutes. The flow of the story was a bit fast and things just happened suddenly. Like, I met a guy at a pool party (I didnt even go inside), and wow, he is hot. The events just follow each other haphazardly. (Other example, diner scene, we just talk like two sentences, then, even though theres a sudden rain, and it`s pretty dark, daddy takes us into an abandoned cave. What? )
The story seemed really illogical in some places. Could be an amazing story, with longer dialogue, more background info on characters, overlays, and full body animation.
Another reader thought the flow and the story weren’t bad, although this reader really isn’t a fan of spotlight either. Also, just so you know, there was also a really long pause just before Gal answers the phone.
Characters
Rating: 3.79
Characters were done well, one reader really loved their conversations and they were likeable. Love Gal’s joking personality and Naomi is also a very cool character. … Another reader was happy to see Native-American characters since they’re underrepresented in Episode stories.
Other readers thought:
The best friend had a great personality, but everyone else needed a little more development.
Not much information was given about the characters, which could be due to MC not knowing her dad, who became basically the second interesting character. I felt like there was just not enough said about anybody really.
The characters were diverse and realistic, which was great. However, Ken’s relationship with the MC, Naomi, is very poorly explained. When he comes to her bedroom, he’s shown to have hit her with a car (?) but when they meet at the airport, it’s their first time meeting? I was extremely confused here. Also, Naomi’s relationship with her dad isn’t written well either. They seem to be meeting each other for the first time in years, but they’re talking too comfortably for that. This was not realistic at all.
Visually (The directing)
Rating: 4.22
It’s in Spotlight and this reader loves Spotlight! The style reminds them so much of the app, Choices. So far, there were no directing errors I came across.
Being a spotlight story, another reader can’t say much about directing. They think the author got the best of this directing style. … Its a spotlight story, so theres not that much directing in it, like in a regular one. However, the directing seemed good. Could use more characters in this reader’s opinion, that would make the story more visually appearing, and some overlays would be nice. … Some of the character’s actions (animations), however, were not that appropriate and quite repetitive. This could be changed.
Language (Grammar)
Rating: 4.55
The grammar was amazing! The author has well-written dialogue that’s very interesting to read. There were a few errors though, however, despite these minor errors, the grammar was very good and the story was very easy to follow. … The language of the story was polished, with some typos and grammatical errors (e.g: ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ were often switched).
The first “Gal”, you meant to say “Girl.” Wait, her name is Gal? That’s really odd. Also, spaces between words are needed, a missing comma or two, and you have the question mark and exclamation mark around the wrong way, it’s “?!” You don’t need capital letters for terms of endearment. Commas should be used where you placed some periods.
Choices
Rating: 3.98
The choices were fantastic and had an impact! This is honestly a very amazing Spotlight Style story. … There were enough choices that led to different scenes or shaped the relationship between the characters. … The number of choices was alright, and they seemed to affect character relationships.
On the other side of the table, there need to be more to make the reader feel involved.
3-4 was the average number of episodes read by the five reviewers.
This is honestly a fantastic story so far, this reader has a great first impression of it and will definitely be continuing. … It’s a real hidden gem and deserves way more reads. …
A friend recommended this story to me, however, one reader thinks it needs some work. The chapters are really short. … It’s not a bad story, though it’s just not another reader’s cup of tea. … A third reader thought the plot was excellent, but Naomi’s poorly developed relationship with Ken and her father was a real put-off. If it is clarified in the later chapters, it should be brought in earlier, and if it isn’t mentioned at all, the changes should definitely be made.
Final Book Club score is … 3.82
Start a discussion below of this book if you want to! (wink)
Now for next week’s book, get voting because we only have 21 hours left.