Our Reviews for the story Attracting Danger by @Luna1559 
Annieways' Review
First impression
I like your cover art but you will have to remove the gun in order to comply with the new guidelines. There’s a grammar mistake in the description: What happens if your you’re kidnapped for seeing a murder?
Characters
I kinda like Mila’s character, she is confident and able to stand up for herself. I was glad to see that she didn’t immediately fell in love with the gang leader, and she is not acting awkwardly either. I think Lorenzo’s personality fits his role, but at the same time he is still a decent human being meaning he’s not an a abusive a**hole, so I think you did a pretty good job with this.
The green haired guy looks an interesting character to me lol: “You can call me Papi.” I just chuckled, oh my God 
Plot
I have to say I’m not a fan of this theme, but I kind of enjoyed it, probably because of the characterization.
I can’t say I was surprised that MC got kidnapped at the end of the first episode, but I like that you end your chapters with cliffhangers. This was done pretty well in episode 2. I also liked how you continued this scene in episode 3, when it turned out that Mila was aiming for a target figure, and not for Lorenzo. However, I’m pretty sure you forgot to reset zoom after the shooting scene, because characters are cut in half.
Directing
The zooming issue what I just mentioned came up several times throughout the story, so make sure to preview everything on your phone. (There’s another example for this in the beginning of chapter 2).
I noticed that some speechbubbles were off too, but that’s possibly can be fixed after resetting the zooms.
In episode 1 the mom is popping up on screen in the bedroom where she is drinking. This happens to Lorenzo too in the beginning of chapter 3. Make sure to place your characters on screen before the transition and use & instead of @ for spot directing.
You have the same issue with transitions as in your previous story. You will need to end scenes with @transition fade out, and then after you set the new scene it should be @transition fade in.
Grammar, language
I’m not a native speaker, so I will leave it to Jem to correct all your grammar mistakes, I just want to mention a few things I noticed:
- The verb you are looking for is lose - loose is rather used as an adjective
- The difference between your and you’re - the first one is a possessive pronoun
- “You kidnapped me for 3 months”. - To me this sentence didn’t come off as you probably intended, however I understand what you meant. You could maybe change it like this: “You kidnapped me 3 months ago.”/ “I’ve been here for 3 months.” (Also I think it looks better if you write “three” instead of 3, but that’s just my personal preference.)
- I saw that you censored some words, but you missed the F word at the end of chapter 1 and at the beginning of chapter 2, so make sure to go back and check it.
Overall
As I already said I’m not a fan of these gang stories, but there’s obviously a large audience for it on Episode, so if you have your grammar checked and fix some directing errors, I’m sure the reads will come in eventually.
Thank you to @Annieways for this review.
JemU776's Review
My Review:
First of all, in your description, it should say:
“What happens if you’re kidnapped for seeing a murder?” ← you’re (you + are) not your
The “How will you escape? Will you?” line doesn’t make any sense.
“Will you escape? If so, how?” ← this makes more sense
The intro was pretty cool but it could flow a bit smoother.
When you’re on the flashback, Nina randomly pops out of thin air.
NINA: Breakfast is ready. I have to go to work. ← much better to separate these lines with a period.
MILA was a bit repetitive when she asked her mother why she’s doing this.
When Mila walks up to her mother who’s on the couch, her height looks very awkward.
You were missing a lot of question marks (?) throughout your episode.
MILA: Why can’t you get that in your hea d? ← There should be a question mark at the end of this.
MILA: I work my a*s off everyday… ← off , not of
NINA: I need time to grieve. Why don’t you get that? ← much better to write
“two years” as opposed to “2 years”
“As you hear her say those words, you immediately freeze and throw a glass on the floor” OR “As you heard her say those words, you immediately froze and threw a glass on the floor” - pick either the past tense or present tense and stick with it for this, don’t mix them.
You were missing commas sometimes.
In the hospital you used “too” when it should have been “to”
I like the filters you used for the flashbacks, very cool.
DOCTOR: Can you tell me his name? Also, how are you related to him? ← better to write this
Hmm, the doctor should ask more questions and oh man, poor Nina’s husband, I can tell from his injuries that he’s been through a lot of pain.
When you have a flashback of Nina, alone in her room drinking, she randomly pops up on screen (I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have teleportation).
When you’re talking about enjoying her presence, that line doesn’t make sense.
Remember to show, not tell.
Mila randomly pops up in her room and the transition occurs awkwardly.
Again, you’re missing a question mark in this scene and zoom in on Mila as she thinks. Actually, when you do zoom in on her, it’s strange as you get her head and a bunch of the background on top of her ( you don’t want that so zoom in on her in a way in which we see mainly her ).
“a** off” not “a** of”
You should have Mila stand screen center in her room instead of screen left so the focus is on her.
As the NARRATOR says “You walked out of the house angrily, not knowing where you were going.” you have Mila smiling as she walks.
Oh no, I can’t believe Mila followed the gunshot sound…
You will need to censor the f word because of the new guidelines that will take place on the 10th of October. Also, in the same sentence she says the f word, you are missing a question mark (a common issue in your whole episode).
OMG, I can’t believe she fainted?! If I was her, I would have bolted out of there. Also, Lorenzo gives me creepy vibes.
OK, overall, it seems interesting but there were a few directing errors such as characters popping up, zooming problems and spelling/grammar errors such as question marks missing as well as too much of the narrator speaking. Fix these issues and you should be good to go! Good luck <3
Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.
xxLoveAaliyah's Review
Attracting Danger.
Directing and Grammatical Errors.
- The mom, I assume. She’s too big and it is obvious she isn’t sitting in the chair. Size her down and back a bit.
- When you are zooming into the MC. The camera is way above her head. Bring the camera closer to her face to avoid that awkward shot.
- The flashback scene. Characters pop in. To avoid them popping in. Write your scene using & instead of using the at symbol. After you placed all the characters then put your transition after.
- You have food’s. That is incorrect it should be food only.
- Not a huge deal, but because I’m picky. You should put the speech bubbles either under their mouth or closer to their face.
- Mila does this weird levitate thing when waking up the mom. Use the @ symbol when making her walk over there. @MILA walks to 1.280 23 546 AND MILA is walk_neutral something like that.
- This sentence doesn’t make sense and I will try my best to make it understandable. “Why are you doing this?” You can keep it simple.
- When the characters are done talking, you should put them in an idle loop animation. (If Ink has that)
- This sentence needs to be worded differently and it needs a question mark at the end. “Why can’t you get that through your head?”
- Wrong word. “I work my a** off for you every day because you haven’t gone to work since dad died!”
- I need time to grieve, why don’t you get that? A question mark and comma is needed here.
- The camera angle was weird again.
- To avoid the filer fading in while the scene is already up. Add a zero at the end of the command.
- “Is there someone we can talk to. ” To is the correct word to use here.
- Nina’s speech bubble is on the doctor.
- “Can you tell me what his name is? Also, how are you related to him?” This is how you need to write it.
- The mom pops into the screen. Write it this way. &MOM stands back left in zone 1 AND MOM faces right AND MOM is sip_cup_neutral
- I’m not sure if English is your first language. I’m going to assume it’s not. But, a lot of sentence does not make sense. You’re also lacking punctuation.
- Your transition looked like a fade-out instead of fade in.
- The difference between of and off. A small English lesson. “Aaliyah, will you turn off the water?” “ Of course, I will turn off the water.”
- Using transitions will make a story look put together, in my opinion
All errors listed above are from episode one.
- Your spot directing needs a lot of work.
- It looks like you used transitions fade out instead of transitions fade in. Make sure to check that.
- The speech bubbles are on the left while Mila is facing the right. And, the camera isn’t on Mila. At least it isn’t centered.
- Mila stills has the bat in her hand.
- The camera is zoomed in awkward. It is becoming clear to me that you don’t look at the app to make sure everything is okay.
- Mila is repeating herself over and over.
- “The food is ready.** Use this instead.
All errors listed above are from episode two.
Personal comments.
I understand both the daughter and the mother is grieving over the loss of their husband and dad, but Mila is a bitch and a bit disrespectful. She throws a glass and then tells her mother to clean it? That’s disrespectful.
I’m not a doctor or even close to being one, but the scene felt like it lacked information. Two questions are not nearly enough.
It is a bit strange to walk outside in your underwear, at least where I’m from it is.
Show don’t tell. This will come a long way. Remember to censor the word fuck.
Overall comments.
To be frank, this story needs a lot of work. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes, a lot of directing mistakes, word formatting and structure is off. I would advise getting a proofreader because bad grammatical can put sometimes off. Your storyline seems to be underdeveloped and the same goes for the characters. This story can be better if you take time and develop it more. Personally, mafia stories aren’t for me so I can be a bit biased, but reading this story felt like reading every mafia story on the app.
Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.