Review for the story The Depths of Newport by @baechulgi
When you’re having the characters be customized and then have them walk off the screen, use their same height and floor level (so keep the % and Y same and change only the X; to know what these symbols stand for, check out the tutorial I linked below). You have them walk off all the way further into the screen as they get smaller and then they exit the scene which looks strange. Use spot direction to make them exit. I have a tutorial here:
I clicked a little fast haha but I’ve managed to come across a lot of what needs to be fixed.
You used a filter for a flashback but it took some time to settle in. Add “in 0” to your filter so it takes no seconds at all to kick in.
While they’re in the car, sometimes when the guy speaks, he doesn’t do any animations at all.
Screenshots with errors:
NADA: Oh god, I’m way more nervous than I should be. <- there should be a comma after god
A common error where you wrote stuff like “just …” when it should be “just…” so the three dots should be right next to the word.
“You’re new, aren’t you?” <- a comma (,) should go there. Also, when Jade walks up to the MC, she does so awkwardly. Make her walk rear smoothly. I have a thread on rear animations: HOW TO: Rear Animations
When Jade is introducing MC around the school, she’s in a new location and doing an animation from the previous scene, which looks strange (this error occured more than once and it disrupts the smooth flow).
Liam randomly pops up into the scene and when he walks offscreen, he gets shorter.
LIAM: Sorry I’m late, Ms. Lee. <- there should be a comma (,) in this sentence.
CLAIRE: I consider her as one of the only people I can trust. <- your sentence was a little awkward so I’d recommend to write it like this.
Cough, cough, you just need to meet us Givers, there are people who do kindness out of their hearts even if they are rare
OK, overall, I see you use a lot of normal positions. I’d recommend to spice up your story using spot direction. Also, there were many awkward pauses which made it difficult to go over, sometimes. I highly recommend for you to go over script symbols (Dara’s website has a guide on this). But I did enjoy and I especially found the bunny part very funny + cute!
It would be nice if choices were color coded when the points system is being used
Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.
I basically found almost nothing wrong with your story just a few grammatical, word errors as @JemU776 stated above. When spotting your characters remember to use the spot codes and seconds to make it go smoother. I also feel like when u add the animations they come out really slow, so I suggest adding animations to every dialogue line you incorporate. Also remember to use and, and then.
An example would be
@CHARACTER starts animation_oof THEN CHARACTER is animation_startled
And so on^
Other than that, your story has potential. Good luck writing
Thank you to @xetic for this review.
My review for “Depths of Newport” :
- I didn’t see any mistakes throughout the first chapter, except for a minor mistake which I think was unintended: (For reference, I had the MC choose to talk to the nice girl) When the MC thinks “It’s refreshing” regarding how enthusiastic the girl was, the thought bubble is actually a speech bubble, making it look like the MC’s speaking her thoughts.
- A little side note: When the girl walked up to the MC to ask if she was new, there was some very long pauses in between their conversation, making it seem a little dragged out? Also, because of the pauses, the other girl was sometimes frozen after finishing her animation, before resuming again to talk to the MC.
- Great introduction to the storyline, and I enjoyed it! I liked how the MC’s entire life changed when she had to register under the WPP, after she witnessed the crime.
- Clever introduction to the “Mean girl.” At first, I assumed she was just one of those cliche mean girls that wanted to prevent the MC from being with Liam, but later on realized it was because she wanted to be with someone who was also lesbian / bi.
First impressions -
- Great first impression, and awesome way how you ended off the first chapter. Added to my favorites!
Thank you to @Simila100 for this review.