Our Reviews for the story City Meets Country by @SelenaKnight3101
aiR's Review
City Meets Country by Selena Knight
Right off the bat, let’s start with the comedy. It’s something that’s bold in this story and I love it. The author’s sense of humor translates well, and the cover is something I like about it. Would tap on that if I were mindlessly scrolling through.
On the more technical side of things, if there was more use of transitions and remembered choices, that’d be great. I’ve only read the first three episodes, and I believe there have been a lot of plot advancements, such as moving to the aunt’s house within an episode. I feel as though it’s very fast moving, the concept is great but the execution is speedy. There’s time to work with, and that should be used to the fullest.
Another thing over the first three episodes, punctuation. I don’t see very much of it, personally it’s not a big issue for me but it’s a small detail to include overall that’ll improve the quality of work. Spend more time on the plot in the future too, it’s somewhat hard to keep up and I don’t get a sense of country from the LI.
Thank you to @aiR for this review.
Annieway's Review
First impression
I like your small cover, but I didn’t really understand the large cover, so I hope I will get to know more while reading the story. The description is pretty interesting and it seems to fit the drama genre. I would probably remove “Not me.” from the end though, I feel like it’s not needed.
Characters
The MC is likeable and her sister is cute, but I didn’t really get to know the characters or at least not the way I wanted to get to know them.
In episode 1, I noticed a reader message where you listed the MC’s personality traits. This is something you have to show and not tell.
After reading the first 3 chapters I feel like I still want to know more about the characters, their motivations and the reasoning behind their behavior and actions, but I will go into details in the next paragraph.
Plot
I understand from the description that the plot will mainly revolve around the relationship of Julianna and Ashton, but to me it seemed a bit rushed. First they don’t like each other but one minute later they both do and the reason is basically that Julianna punched/slapped the guy. I think it would be more interesting if they didn’t get attracted to each other so quickly and you would give them some more time to bond.
The episodes were pretty short and I felt some scenes could have been better detailed, because some parts seemed quite unrealistic, especially in chapter 1. I usually like when a story starts straight off without any background information, but this time I felt I would have needed some explanation on how the sisters ended up in this situation. Why the MC’s little sister was not sad that she had to leave her mum? How could a 16 year old girl sell a house on her own? Was the mother’s behavior something new or she never really cared about her kids? If the latter, why the aunt didn’t try to help earlier?
Grammar
Your sentences are usually well-structured and easy to understand, but there are quite a few grammar errors in the story and the punctuation is often missing too. I would suggest you to get a proofreader or run your dialogues through grammarly.
Directing
The spot directing was pretty good, but I noticed some errors you may want to check out:
- In the first episode Jaya is sliding into the kitchen and I’m pretty sure I saw Julianna popping in on screen on her first day at school at the lockers.
- I would suggest you to pay attention to close the talking animations. It looks so much better if you put your characters in ‘idle’ or in any other looping animation when they have finished their lines, because sometimes it looks like that two characters are talking at the same time.
- Some speech bubbles need to be fixed too, however most of them were at the correct place.
Notes on the author notes
I don’t like author notes at all, but it’s subjective so I’m only going to highlight 3 things:
- I don’t think you should apologize for not having a lot of choices. It’s your story, you should write it as you like.
- You could probably skip the question whether Julianna and Ashton will meet again, especially if you say we all know the answer to that.
- I also don’t think you should tell us how many lines your chapter has, it doesn’t really give much information to most of the readers.
Overall, I would suggest you to pay a little more attention to details and on character development. Your episodes are pretty short, but with more dialogue and/or additional scenes you can make them much longer and the story line would also look much more thought out. You could also try to improve the structure of your chapters and the way you are ending them. If you leave some questions open or add some minor cliffhangers, readers will more likely to continue your story.
Thank you to @Annieways for this review.
Diamond.Heart's Review
Things that need to be improved:
- The grammar and punctuation. There were a lot of full stops and comas missing and that’s something that makes me want to stop reading a story, I really hate it. The grammar… there are a lot of grammatical errors and that’s something that personaly annoys me as well. Here are some examples of what I mean:
Episode 1 : “ Delicious. Juli when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that ” should be “ Delicious. Juli, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that. ”;
Episode 2 : “ Do I want to here this or the other choice ” should be “ Do I want to wear this or the other choice? ”.
All of these errors should be corrected and my advice is that all episodes should be checked on as much as you can before publishing them.
- The plot. As some of my teammates already said, the plot was really confusing and I couldn’t see what the story was really about if it wasn’t for the description. That’s not good. The way Juli and Jaya got out of their home was a little bit rushed. The bonus scene was not necessary.
My advice: Take your time writting each episode. The way everything was planned seemed a little bit rushed. There’s an idea, but it isn’t well developped and that leaves the readers confused.
- The directing. It isn’t the worst but it could be better. I noticed some scenes where the characters wheren’t well placed.
My advice’s the same I gave for the grammar and punctuation. Always preview your story countless times until you’ve corrected these errors.
Things that I personally liked:
I liked some of the funny moments. I also liked the description of the story, not only because it helped me understand the story a little better but because it was actually well written. The directing was pretty decent.
My teammates already said a lot and that’s why I only chose some examples.
Thank you to @Diamond.Heart for this review.
_Haruka's Review
Review: City Meets Country
Episode 1, errors:
Grammar/spelling/punctuation:
Things I put in bold are things that need to be added in/changed.
Julianna: “Does this answer your question? Let’s go downstairs so you can ea t. I don’t need crumbs in my roo m. ” - there are full stops/periods missing.
Julianna: “Wel l, soon to be my old roo m. ” - there is a comma and a full stop/period missing.
Jaya: "Delicious. Jul i, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her tha t. - punctuation missing.
Julianna: “How are you suppos ed to tell your 6 year old little sister that her m om would rather be a gold digge r, getting old guys and taking trips around the world th a n be with us?” - mom shouldn’t be capitalised.
Julianna: “How are you suppos ed to tell your sister that our mom is such a horrible human being and when we were bor n, regrets not giving us up?”
Julianna: “Jay a, I promise life will get better for us.” - there should be a comma after Jaya.
Julianna: “Pack your stuf f. We’re going to the country and I’m selling the house. We’re gonna to live with Aunt Dee.”
Jaya: “ We’re going on a plane and we’re going to see Aunt Dee.” - it may sound better as ‘We’re going on a plane to see Aunt Dee.’
Julianna: “She’s taking it better than I expecte d. ” - it should be ‘than’ here instead of then.
The readerMessage had some errors in it, it went away too quickly for me to remember what they were, but just read over that and have a check
Julianna: "Hey Aunt Dee, I was wondering if Jaya and I could live with you. I sold the house and my used to be mom is too bus y. - the ‘my’ shouldn’t be capitalised.
Dee: “Of course y’all can. I’ll start preparing your room s . Just make sure you alert the school and don’t tell your mom you’re living with m e, you know she’s gonna to throw a fit.”
Julianna: “Thank yo u, Aunt De e. I love you and I won’ t. ”
Dee: “By e, l ove y’all.”
Julianna: “No w , where is she?”
NARRATOR: If you guys are curiou s, J aya is in the taxi." - here, you wrote 'Jaya is the taxi. I presume she’s not a taxi
Mom: “Thank god you’re her e, Agatha. I need someone to carry these boxes to the car. I’m going to the airport. ”
Julianna: “Firs t, my name is Julianna. Secon d, why do you need to go to the airport?”
Mom: “Wel l, I can’t be hopeful that my oldest daughter would actually be**…**”
Julianna: "Gir l, at least I know what 1+1 is. You had to cheat your way to work her e. - wow, the mom needs to retake first grade
Mom: “Even though it’s none of your business, I’m going to California with my boyfriend Robert for a wee k. ”
Mom: “You’ve been taking care of her since you were ten . What’s a few more year s? ” - here, the ten should be written as ‘ten’ rather than ‘10’.
NARRATOR: “ Julianna is 16 and Jaya is 6 <3 ” - the ‘if you guys didn’t know’ isn’t necessary because nobody would know.
Julianna: “You want Jaya and me out of your lif e, I need you to sign your rights away for both of us.”
Mom: “Gladly. Also, Robert and I are going to move into the house after our trip to Californi a. ”
Julianna: “Yea h, I’ll look into it.”
Julianna: “No reason she needs to know I sold the house and I’m gonna live with my dad’s siste r. ”
Mom: “California is my state, I never wanted to have kid s. ”
Mom: "Wel l, bye Julianna. I hope you and the other human have a steady lif e.
Julianna: " Jaya, ex-mom, her name is Jaya. We’re going to live with the woman you loath e .
Jaya: “I love ponie s. ”
Julianna: “New town, n ew life. Hopefully aunt Dee is on tim e. ”
NARRATOR: “Attention, all passengers, we are now landing in LinkFord Heights, Wisconsi n. Thank you for flying with us.”
Julianna: “Jay a, wake yourself up.” - alternatively, you could just say, ‘Jaya, wake up.’
Julianna: “ We’re landing.”
Julianna: “Wel l, this place is still the same.”
Dee: "Jay a, why are you just standing there all still fo r? B low ya aunt Dee a kis s.
Jaya: “This is for yo u, a unt Dee.”
Dee: “I’ll show y’all your room s. ”
Dee: “This room is for Jay a. ”
Jaya: “Yasss s, h one y! ”
Dee: “We should give her and her room some time alon e. ”
Dee: “I knew you would like it if I just fixed it up. Als o, you and Jaya are starting school on Monda y. ”
Dee: “So I just want to warn you that we do things different ly in the sout h, and the boys are cuter. ”
Julianna: “I think I’ll be the judge of that. City boys are cute too, you know.**” - the aunt Dee isn’t necessary.
Dee: “But country boys, baby. They’re tough on the outside and so smooth and sweet on the inside.”
Selena: “Hey guys ! I’m gonna show you a bonus scene with Jaya, Julianna’s mom and her new boyfriend. ”
Mom: “This doesn’t look like a mansio n, R obert.”
Robert: “It was in an ad.”
Mom: "Why would you even look at ads that have houses IN THE WOOD S? Especially since it’s nowhere near a mal l.
Mom: “Goo d, I don’t want to break up with yo u. I love you.”
Mom: “Or because I don’t want to work to find another hopeless romantic rich gu y. ”
Robert: “Come o n, find houses**, internet,** my relationship is in jeopardy. ”
Selena: “I hope you guys have enjoyed this bonus scene**, now** onto my outro, keep tapping. ” - I assume you meant outro? It’s not an introduction if it’s at the end of a story XD
Selena: Selena: “Als o, don’t change yourself for a boy or a gir l. We can all be single and slay while doing it."
Selena: “Hey guys ! I hope you enjoyed my very first chapter . Sorry there weren’t any choices, but there will be ones in the next episode.”
Selena: I wonder if ther e’s any goat curry and white rice left."
Selena: “Bye guys. DE E, DON’T LET JAYA EAT ALL THE FOOD!”
Dee: “To o late! You better ru n! ”
Selena: “But I’m in heels. Heck with i t. ”
Julianna: “ Thank you so much for giving this story a try. It’s greatly appreciated. ”
Julianna: "Al so, p lease have mercy on Selena. She’s very new at this so keep that in mind.”
Julianna: “Bye guys !”
Coding:
When Jaya comes on, she slides into the scene from the bottom left while eating pizza.
When Dee is talking to Julianna on the phone ('of course y’all can etc.), Julianna appears to be talking. Change her animation to a listening one.
When mom comes into the scene (‘thank god you’re here, Agatha etc.’), she comes on, and then the box briefly disappears, and reappears.
When Dee says 'This room is for Jaya.", the speechbubble makes it look like Julianna is speaking. Try spot-directing it to make it look like Dee is speaking.
General comments
There are a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed, but overall, this was a drama-packed, funny read
Thanks for reading my review.
Chapter 2-3:
There were still frequent grammar/punctuation mistakes and a couple of typos. Make sure you read over the script several times to weed out any errors. It’s also good to read your story in the mobile app to check for any directing errors, such as when Dexter goes over to Julianna in the locker hallway. Overall, the plot was a little hard to grasp, but I gather that it’s the first day of school for both Julianna and Jaya. If you aren’t already, I think it would be a good idea to properly plan out your story so that you know what’s happening and where it’s going. You’re the author, you control the plot, not the characters. You may also want to flesh out your characters- determine what kind of personality they all have, as this is a little unclear in the story.
Thank you to @_Haruka for this review.
JemU776's Review
Things to improve on in regards to Chapter 1:
OK, so there periods missing at the end of sentences.
When the little girl comes on screen left, she does so sliding in the kitchen while she’s eating pizza.
Things I bolded that need to be added in/modified:
Juliana: ”Does this answer your question? Let’s go downstairs so you can ea t. I don’t need crumbs in my roo m. ”
There should be a period there.
6 year old little sister would be better written as six year old sister .
Juliana: Jay a, I promise life will get better for us.
A comma needs to go here.
Juliana: “Pack your stu ff. We’re going to the country and I’m selling the house. We’re gonna live with aunt Dee.”
I noticed the author used were in situations where there needed to be the word we’re instead (we + are). Sorry, that was a mouthful
Juliana: “ We’re going on a plane and we’re going to see aunt Dee.”
We are, not were.
I would argue it sounds better like “We’re going on a plane to see aunt Dee.”
Juliana: “She’s taking it better than I expected.”
Than instead of then
The readerMessage had some mistakes in it.
When Juliana says “and My used to be mom is busy” the m in my should not be capitalized and there should be a period at the end of the word busy as the sentence ends .
When Dee speaks, there are a lot of errors; you need punctuation in those sentences.
Juliana: “Thank yo u, au nt De e. I love you and I won’ t. ”
Dee: “By e, l ove y’all.”
Juliana: “No w, where is she?”
NARR: If you guys are curiou s, J aya is in the taxi.
Mom: “Thank god you’re her e, A gatha. I need someone to carry these boxes to the car.” You wrote to the car to the airport in this sentence. That does not make sense, you’d erase one of them.
Juliana: “Fir st, m y name is Juliana. Seco nd, wh y do you need to go to the airport?”
The mom doesn’t know what 1 + 1 is
Also, the sentence needs work as well as the one before it.
Mom: "You’ve been taking care of her since you were ten . What’s a few more year s?"
Juliana: “You want Jaya and me out of your lif e. I need you to sign your rights away for both of us.”
Mom: “Gladly. Also, Robert and I are going to move into the house after our trip to California.”
You wrote Also Me and Robert, which is wrong as you need a comma after also and me shouldn’t be capitalized. Me and Robert is OK to say in spoken English but it is incorrect.
Juliana: “Yea h, I’l l look into it.”
Bye shouldn’t be capitalized when the mom says “Well Bye Juliana.” Also, you need to add commas in your sentences.
Juliana: “ Jaya, ex-mom, her name is Jaya. We’re gonna live with the woman you loat he. ”
Gonna is fine in spoken English, I use it, too. Going to is the correct form, though.
There should be a period at the end of “I love ponies.”
Don’t capitalize the a in aunt.
NARR: Attention, all passengers, we are now landing in LinkFord Heights, Wiscons in. Tha nk you for flying with us."
Oh wow, never heard of a place like LinkFord Heights, it sounds cool
Juliana: “Jay a, w ake yourself up.”
Juliana: “ We’re landing.”
Remember, we are, not were.
Juliana: “We ll, t his place is still the same.”
When Dee tells Jaya to blow her a kiss, the whole sentence needs to be re-worked.
Jaya: “This is for yo u, a unt Dee.”
When Dee says “This room is for Jay a. ” the speechbubble comes from the other girl which looks awkward. I would suggest moving the speechbubble around so it looks like Dee is the one speaking when she actually is.
There are commas missing in the following sentences and don’t forget to add periods.
Dee: “But country boys, baby. They’re tough on the outside and so smooth and sweet on the inside.”
They’re (they + are) instead of their
When Mom and Robert are speaking, zoom into the scene because then the reader is viewing the unnecessary space, screen left, where there is no activity happening.
Mom: “This doesn’t look like a mansio n, R obert.”
Robert: “It was in an ad.”
Mom: “Why would you even look at ads that have houses in the woods!”
Have instead of has. Also the other part of the sentence needs punctuation.
I came across a few other grammatical errors.
Selena: “Als o, don’t change yourself for a boy or a girl.”
The other line Selena says after needs some work.
Selena: “Hey guys ! I hope you enjoyed my very first chapter . Sorry, if there weren’t any choices, but there will be ones in the next episode.”
Juliana: “Thank you so much for giving this story a try. It’s greatly appreciated.”
Juliana: “Al so, p lease have mercy on Selena. She’s very new at this so keep that in mind.”
These are my thoughts on chapter one. I liked that it was short and she’s heading in the right direction, it is drama packed but there are a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed.
Thank you for reading
Chapter 2 feedback:
Things to add in are bolded :
Juliana: “I didn’t know aunt Dee still had this. I wonder if I can still play it. O nly one way to find ou t."
Juliana: "Treasu re, le t me treasure yo u."
Hmm, the Treasure in the beginning part sounds sort of awkward. Perhaps remove that and start with “Let”.
Juliana: “I wonder if there’s food downstai rs. I’m starving.” There should be a space between the period (.) and I’m
It was nice seeing a choice (Peanut butter and jelly OR Toast, even if it’s a simple choice) since Episode is an interactive app. The j in jelly shouldn’t be capitalized, though.
When Juliana talks about exploring or binge watching shows, the speechbubble is all the way up. Fix that. Here’s a thread on speechbubbles to check out: HOW TO: Spot direct Speech Bubble
Dee: “Julian a, p ut some clothes on and wake up Jaya. We’re going to the Anderson’s.”
We + are, not were.
Again, the speechbubble was all the way.
The a in aunt should not be capitalized. Also, don’t forget to include a period at the end of sentences.
Juliana: "What should I wea r?"
Add the question mark at the end. Also, the speechbubble covers her face, so spot direct it lower.
When Juliana changes into an outfit, she should ask: “Do I want to wear this one or try the other option?”
Juliana: “Ye p, t his is my style.”
Juliana: “ What am I supposed to do her e? All aun t Dee said was to go out here while she gossips with Miss. Dejaya. ”
Instead of “out here” you can write “ outside ”
Juliana: “As soon as those words left his lips, I could hear his sweet but deep, southern accent which sounded like music to my ears.” ← it’s better to write it this way.
There’s a few commas (,) you need in the sentences and remember to add periods (.) at the end.
Ashton: “ What’s your nam e, s weetheart?”
Ashton: “So, you’re Dee’s niec e. S he has been talking about you to my m om since last week.”
Ashton: “What are you looking for?”
Ashton: “Your pride?”
Ashton: “I think you lost it a long time ago.”
Put these three sentences in separate speechbubbles so there is a smooth flow to them.
The readerMessage should say “Oh n o, h e didn’t.”
Juliana: “…because I know you’re not talking to me.”
You’re not instead of you not (you + are). I didn’t write the rest of the sentence before she says this (instead, I denoted it using three dots) since this was the part that had an error in it.
Juliana: “How can such a good looking boy be so idiotic and rude?”
Juliana: “I know I may not be nice all the time, but this boy better square up right now because I want to hit him so bad.”
The option should say “Slap some sense into him.” which is what I chose.
Juliana: “And this is why you don’t mess with a city girl, jerk. ”
Dee: “So, if there’s no intrude r, w hy are you screaming?”
There instead of their. (if there + is no intruder)
“Vent to aunt Dee.” is what the option should say.
Juliana: "It’s your stupid friend’s son Ashton. He comes off as sweet like a bird but then he turns into a vicious bee."
When Dee and Juliana are talking about boys, the sentences run on too long, they’re missing commas and periods.
Carter: “So, let me get this straight. You were a total jerk to this girl and she didn’t fall for you. Instead, she hit you.”
Carter: “That girl is l it. I have to meet her.”
“That girl sounds lit.” would probably be better.
Carter: " Isn’t it cool? I got it on a website that was selling Empire merchandi se."
Ashton: "I don’t think E mpire has merchandis e, but I do remember where I’ve seen it before. At the ninety-nine cents store."
Carter: “My m om and d ad are gonna whoop me into next year.”
Carter: "Als o, is your mom making red velvet waffle s?"
Selena: “Of c ourse, you don’t have to sub. Free w orld.”
Other things I noticed:
Juliana: Stupid j erk.
The j in jerk shouldn’t be capitalized.
“Come on Juliana, do your thing.” There should be a comma there.
Three dots instead of two when Juliana says “This story will be continued”
It’s cool how they include how many line numbers their story is.
OK, overall, it was interesting however sometimes confusing, so I suggest making changes to episode 2 since I feel that it has so much more potential
Episode 3 Review:
Jaya: “Jul i, w ake up.” ← There should be a comma there.
The way Jaya got up looked like a glitch so fix that.
Jaya: “What’s the best way to get your sister out of be d? ” ← Add the part I bolded and add a question mark.
Jaya: “Aunt Dee made donut s. ” ← There should be a period at the end of the sentence.
Remember to add periods to the end of sentences. I won’t mention every sentence here that is missing a period but there are a lot.
Jaya: “Maybe not but you’re late for school.” You’re (you + are) instead of your. Also, put the needing to wake her part in another sentence so it sounds more smooth.
Juliana: “ You’re not exactly in a “I’m ready to go” outfi t. ” - You’re (you + are) instead of your. Also, add a period at the end of outfit since the sentence ends.
Juliana: "I need to get read y." ← Add the period.
One of the options should say: “Let me just tell you, you need to stop hating.” (Add in the bolded part)
“Ye s, t his outfit is the bomb.” ← There should be a comma there. Also, a period at the end of this as well as at the end of the other option.
When Juliana says “I slay”, don’t forget to put something at the end.
Juliana randomly appears at her locker out of thin air. Spot her there before.
Dexter: “She looks nice. Now, let’s see if she is. ” see or find out are both fine to use. Also, you don’t even need Now there, you can start with Let’s.
Dexter walks over her friend Kimmy to talk to her. Fix that, it’s a layering issue.
Dexter: “H i, I’m Dexte r. ” ← Add the comma in there, and add a period.
Juliana: "Oh sorr y, I ’m Juliana Knigh t." ← Add the comma, don’t capitalize the s in sorry and add a period at the end of the sentence.
Dexter: “I’ve heard of you. You’re Miss. Dee’s niec e. ” ← Put a space between the period and You’re. Also, it’s you’re (you + are) instead of your. A period needs to go at the end of the sentence, as well.
Dexter: Sure
Dexter: Let me just text my friend Kimmy so she can go without me.
This would be better suited for two speechbubbles.
Kimmy: “Juliana. So, that’s her name.”
Kimmy: “I already know we’re going to be such good friends. Now, off to class.”
Write it this way for Kimmy.
Don’t use well too many times in your sentences. Too much repetition isn’t a good thing.
Juliana: “ To cut the story shor t, K immy and Dexter are now my sisters, forever. ” < — sisters instead of sister’s. Also, fix the other stuff (the bolded words are what you should re-work.)
Kimmy: “S o, you’re from New York?” ← A comma should go in there and it is you’re (you + are) instead of your.
Juliana: “Yeah, I loved the fast pace and the city lights, but I decided that I needed a breath of fresh air.” (write it this way instead, as it sounds more smooth).
Juliana: “Hopefull y, t hey bought it. I don’t like being pitied .”
Dexter: “We ll, w elcome to every kid’s nightmar e. ”
Dexter: “Do you notice how we’re the only ones here?” We’re (we + are) instead of were.
Kimmy: " Everyone except the people in Miss. Lydia’s class got detention or ended up suspended." < this part needs to be reworked (the stuff that’s bolded is the stuff that I’ve modified.) Also, this is a highly unrealistic scenario.
Dexter: "Because the principal is an evil has-been model that can’t let teenagers be actual teens."
Kimmy: "On the weeken d, h ow about you come over to my place and meet the rest of the squa d?"
Kimmy: "Tell me your numb er." ← A period needs to go here.
Dexter: "Thank goodness it’s a half-day today so we only have one more class left to go." Add an a in front of half-day. It is a half-day sounds more smooth as opposed to it is half-day. It’s (it + is)
Juliana: "Did she even do her homewor k?" ← A question mark needs to go here.
Juliana: “Not my problem.”
Juliana: “It’s hers.”
Put this into two, separate speechbubbles and It’s her would be better to use.
The readerMessage should say “I own n othing.” ← The n should not be capitalized.
Ashton: “S o, C arter, w hy are we at a salon?” ← the w in why shouldn’t be capitalized.
Carter: "Follow m e."
Ms Lydia: “Hey, Ashton. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Ms Lydia: “How’s your mama and the cheater that she married?”
On two separate speechbubbles. Also, I’ve made a few changes to it so that it flows smoothly.
Remember not to use well too much. Don’t use now too much, either. Add commas and don’t forget to add a period at the end of sentences. I know I stressed this many times but it is just so important. Make sure your sentences aren’t so long. Split them up.
Carter: “Mam a, I said I was sorry.”
Ms Lydia: “ Boy, you’re so lucky I didn’t whoop you because I know I raised you right.” <-this sentence sounds a bit strange. Perhaps remove the “I know” part.
Ms Lydia: “I made strawberry, chocolate frosted donuts. So, anybody gonna eat them?” Gonna is fine to use but going to is the correct form. Also, the s in strawberry and the c in chocolate shouldn’t be capitalized.
Ashton walks behind the donut overlay, make him walk in front of it.
Carter: “ We’re having another member added to our group.” We’re (we + are) instead of were.
Ashton: “S o, w ho’s the new girl?”
Ashton’s speechbubble is coming out of Carter’s mouth. Fix that part.
Carter: "She says at Crystal Cove beach on Saturday at 7: 00 pm."
I would argue to replace “blue-purple” eyes with another type of description since it can sound strange at times.
Selena: “Also, I just want to tell you readers that I appreciate you guys so much.”
Selena: “And if you want to be in my stor y, y ou know where the fan-mail is.”
When Juliana comes in to say “To be continued”, there needs to be three dots instead of two.
OK, overall this is the feedback I can give you and wish you good luck on everything
Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.
Kimballet's Review
Here’s my review on the first 3 chapters:
Episode 1:
Omg Jaya is so cute, I love her already! I also see that this is your first story so congrats on publishing 20 chapters, that’s amazing!
One thing I’d improve if you decide to re-vamp, or at least for your next story is that I’d love a little longer to get to know the characters. Maybe show the mom being the worst throughout the years with a few flashbacks, maybe one when Julianna is little (like 6) and looking for her mom while she’s talking to some guy, another one when Julianna is 10 and looking after baby Jaya, and maybe a third a little while later because things should come in threes!
Another big thing is grammar. I know the goal is to keep up reader retention and this is an easy way to do so. Punctuation at the ends of sentences, “we’re” for we are not “were” (which I know Episode marks as a mistake in the portal so that can be annoying), and no random Capitalizations will make it much easier to read.
I also agree with the other reviewers on their comments on spot directing and transitions so I won’t repeat those. And the author notes in the middle of the story are a bit distracting, try them as author’s notes at the top (or even not at all!) because most of them could be shown not told. The saying “show me don’t tell me” is something writers hear a lot
Overall, promising start, with a few enhancements that could take this to the next level!
Episode 2&3:
Love the outfit choices, very cute and I can see more of Julianna’s personality coming out through these choices, so nice work!
However, I’m a bit confused as to where this takes place. Which city are Julianna and Jaya from [correction: I do see that they’re from NYC in the third chapter, but it would have been great to see that earlier, even if it was just a few seconds of some NYC backgrounds, I lived there for a while and LOVE to see my city in Episode stories ]. Also, Wisconsin is in the Midwest, not the South, so if you want a “southern” state, I’d pick Tennessee, Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, etc., or if you want to keep it in Wisconsin, just replace “southern” with “midwestern” since midwesterners have an accent too and are very different from city folk . Also, Ashton/Carter’s room has a city backdrop, so that’s a bit weird as well. I’m not a custom background maker but check out EpisodeLife.com and post on the forums for backgrounds!
I also got a bit confused why Ashton would be so blatantly mean to Julianna. It would have maybe been funnier if he was trying to “neg” her but failed. Or have been like “Oh did I say that out loud?” or something, but you know the characters better… I also think both options resulted in Julianna punching him. It’d be nice to have a verbal smackdown option as well (I thought I chose that but I punched him so guess not ).
I also was confused as to why Dexter texted Kimmy from like 2 feet away. Also where did the cupcakes come from? It’d be cool if maybe that’s what Dexter texted Kimmy to get or something and then they made fun of each other for texting more than talking, even in the same room.
Instead of telling the story about Lydia and Ashton’s mom, show it! Or part of it… It was quite confusing to read because these are new characters.
Also, I do kinda love the author outro you have with Julianna, so nice work on breaking the 4th wall there, it’s very cute and grew on me a lot from the first episode forward.
Overall, I think it’s an interesting story and can see there’s gonna be more drama down the line. Pay attention to spelling/grammar and showing events instead of telling readers about them and I think you’d have a really funny drama story
Thank you to @kimballet for this review.
Lex2's Review
Upon reading 3 episodes I noticed a lot of punctuation mistakes. There are hardly any periods at the end of sentences, and a lot of the sentences are ran together. That could be fixed by adding commas and breaking sentences apart. When the MC went to school she popped into the scene that can be fixed by using & and not @. There was also a time where the layering was off during that scene. In one of the kitchen scenes the layering needs to be fixed as well. For your first story the directing isn’t that bad, you only had layering issues that you missed here and there and the few instances where your characters popped into scenes. The dialogue and punctuation needs a lot of work. As far as the plot all I know is that the mother left her children, and it seemed like she never cared for them from the beginning, and the children move in with their aunt. I’d suggest adding more details and events in the first 3 episodes because if you don’t grab your audience during that time, they’ll stop reading it.
Thank you to @Lex2 for this review.
Mint-Episode's Review
@Mint-Episode 's review will be separate since they took notes with screenshots.
You can CLICK HERE to view it.
Thank you to @Mint-Episode for this review.
OreoBiscuit's Review
Episode 1 summary:
The length of the story was a little short
The episode consisted of a lot of telling instead of showing and very little explanation was done.
There were quite a few errors such as using the wrong there and their and using the wrong were and we’re .
A few messages at the end of the story, such as the number of lines the episode had was not needed.
Episode 2 summary:
The first scene had no relevance. Majority of the scene was just watching the MC walk from zone 1 to zone 2.
In yhe 3rd scene, there was an error with the zoom… I believe.
A lot of question marks were missing when needed.
The episode was stilk short and did not explain anything that was going on. It kind of seemed like a random episode.
Again the number of lines written is not needed at the end.
Episode 3 summary:
The very first scene had a layering issue between the MC and Jaya.
The layering in the 2nd scene was also wrong and a character seemed to glide into a spot.
A few sentences were missing words or the correct punctuation.
Again the episode was really short and did more telling instead of showing.
Please stop having thr author appear at the end of every single episode.
We already know that the story is short so the number of lines at the end of each episode is not needed.
Postive feedback:
The spot directing was good despite there being aome layering issues.
Good amount of choices in episodes 2 and up.
It was easy to identify the role of each character instead of being left confused.
The directing is good for a beginner. With more practice it will definitely improve.
Overall summary:
The story seemed rushed which maybe explains why there was more telling instead of showing. Take your time with each episode and also focus on your grammar.
Thank you to @OreoBiscuit for this review.
xxLoveAaliyah's Review
City Meets Country.
Directing/grammar:
Episode 1
- Julianna speech bubble needs to be sized down a bit. Set it to 90% that way it’s not blocking the characters face.
- “Let’s go downstairs so you can eat I don’t need crumbs on my bed” Change this to “Let’s go downstairs so you can eat. I don’t need crumbs on my bed.” You were missing punctuation in this sentence.
- You are missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. Which makes your sentence incomplete.
- Jaya is sliding from the bottom of the screen. Spot her off-screen and then have her walk into spot. She’s also gliding.
You can avoid that by doing @JAYA walks to spot 1.280 302 16 THEN JAYA is eat_pizza (change the numbers, these are random)
- “Delicious. Juli when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that” This needs to be “Delicious. Juli, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that.” When speaking directly to someone that is called a direct address. Therefore you need a comma before a name.
Example: Hey, how are you, Aaliyah?
- Any number lower than 100 should be in letters.
- Your missing punctuation in a lot of your sentences. Commas and periods. Which are very important.
- After the characters are done speaking, you should put them an idle_loop animation.
- Aunt and mom don’t need to be capitalized unless it’s the start of a sentence.
- In your readerMessage you need to space those commas out.
- “Hey Aunt Dee, I was wondering if me and Jaya could live with you. I sold the house and My used to be is to busy” Fix this and change it to “ Hey, aunt Dee ” I’m not sure what you’re trying to say after the first period. You’re also missing punctuation.
- When Dee is speaking you should have Juli doing the listening on the phone animation.
- “Thank you Aunt Dee Love you and I won’t” Incorrect. “Thank you, aunt Dee. I love you and I won’t.”
- I know this story is fictional, however, signing your rights away as a parent isn’t that simple. This scene was unrealistic.
- You need to familiarize yourself with direct address.
- Jaya looks weird in the airplane scene. Maybe spot her to make it look like she’s in the seat.
- “Jaya wake your self up.” Use this instead “Jaya, wake yourself up.” Or “Jaya, wake up.”
- “Were landing” “We’re landing.”
- You should use transitions.
- Characters pop into the screen. Use & instead of @
- When Dee is showing Juli her room. The speech bubble isn’t on her.
- Personally, I don’t like authors notes and I know some don’t either. You might want to limit that.
- You should take out that 447 line. You don’t have to let readers know how many lines you wrote.
Episode 2
The guitar sound is still playing even after Juli leaves the bedroom. You can fix that by doing this:
music music_name
volume music 50 3000
- “What should I eat” This needs fixing. Change it to “What should I eat?” Since you are asking a question you need a question mark.
- “So what’s your name sweetheart?” This needs to be “So, what’s your name, sweetheart?”
- What are you looking for, your pride because I think you lost it a long time ago.” You were missing a comma in this sentence. This is the correct way to write this.
- I noticed you tried to use transition fade out, but instead you use transition fade in.
Episode 3
- Jaya is layered behind Juli. You should put Jaya in layer 2
- Characters popping in.
- Directing errors continue over to episode 3
- Layering issues with the donuts. The boys walk through it.
- Grammatical errors continue over to this episode.
Feedback:
My comments: The plot was unclear throughout the first three episodes. I understood what the plot was based on the description, but as I was reading I didn’t see it. Which isn’t good. The episodes felt rushed and it didn’t feel like you put any effort into it. They were also short which doesn’t help with the plot being unclear. The comedy was okay, but a lot of it seemed forced and it didn’t feel natural. The characters felt stiff and I didn’t connect with any of them. I mean the mom was funny. One thing that bothered me in this story was the stereotypes. You were trying to make Juli this ghetto character. Which you succeeded. I didn’t like that. It threw me off while reading. Anyway, my advice is to plan and take your time with your story. You also need to work on punctuation and the way you word your sentences. You had a lot of run-on sentences and you were missing punctuation in the majority of your dialogue. This story has the potential to be great. My advice is to: Revamp episode 1-3. You want to pull characters in and get them hooked on your story. But the first 3 episodes lacked excitement.
Extras:
Extra: I would advise toning down the “ghetto” you have in your story. It was a tad bit much and it can come off as offensive. I was a little offended by it.
In no way am I trying to make you feel discouraged. I hope this feedback helped and if you have any questions feel free to reach out to me.
Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.