✨ The Givers Club ✨

Just a heads up @SelenaKnight3101 , we will be posting your review of your story City Meets Country today :+1:

@BEEBS07 We will be reviewing your story Mum Knows Best this week : )

@Maya6 We will be reviewing your story The Star Necklace on the third week :heart:

And @StarMaryGoth (you PMed me instead) so we will be reviewing your story Powerful Crisis (link will be provided to the group in PM) in the fourth week : )

This is the waiting list so far, thank you guys for being patient :heart:

8 Likes

Ok thank you! Your gonna post it on here?

1 Like

Yep :+1:

3 Likes

Sorry to disturb you again. But do you have a time your gonna post the review?

1 Like

Ooh I’m interested in being a Giver! Need new stories to read. :sweat_smile:

Just to clarify, all the givers, after reviewing the story, will compile one review together, or is it individual reviews?

1 Like

Our Reviews for the story City Meets Country by @SelenaKnight3101 :icecream: :revolving_hearts:

aiR's Review

City Meets Country by Selena Knight

Right off the bat, let’s start with the comedy. It’s something that’s bold in this story and I love it. The author’s sense of humor translates well, and the cover is something I like about it. Would tap on that if I were mindlessly scrolling through.

On the more technical side of things, if there was more use of transitions and remembered choices, that’d be great. I’ve only read the first three episodes, and I believe there have been a lot of plot advancements, such as moving to the aunt’s house within an episode. I feel as though it’s very fast moving, the concept is great but the execution is speedy. There’s time to work with, and that should be used to the fullest.

Another thing over the first three episodes, punctuation. I don’t see very much of it, personally it’s not a big issue for me but it’s a small detail to include overall that’ll improve the quality of work. Spend more time on the plot in the future too, it’s somewhat hard to keep up and I don’t get a sense of country from the LI.

Thank you to @aiR for this review.

Annieway's Review

First impression
I like your small cover, but I didn’t really understand the large cover, so I hope I will get to know more while reading the story. The description is pretty interesting and it seems to fit the drama genre. I would probably remove “Not me.” from the end though, I feel like it’s not needed.

Characters
The MC is likeable and her sister is cute, but I didn’t really get to know the characters or at least not the way I wanted to get to know them.
In episode 1, I noticed a reader message where you listed the MC’s personality traits. This is something you have to show and not tell.
After reading the first 3 chapters I feel like I still want to know more about the characters, their motivations and the reasoning behind their behavior and actions, but I will go into details in the next paragraph.

Plot
I understand from the description that the plot will mainly revolve around the relationship of Julianna and Ashton, but to me it seemed a bit rushed. First they don’t like each other but one minute later they both do and the reason is basically that Julianna punched/slapped the guy. I think it would be more interesting if they didn’t get attracted to each other so quickly and you would give them some more time to bond.

The episodes were pretty short and I felt some scenes could have been better detailed, because some parts seemed quite unrealistic, especially in chapter 1. I usually like when a story starts straight off without any background information, but this time I felt I would have needed some explanation on how the sisters ended up in this situation. Why the MC’s little sister was not sad that she had to leave her mum? How could a 16 year old girl sell a house on her own? Was the mother’s behavior something new or she never really cared about her kids? If the latter, why the aunt didn’t try to help earlier?

Grammar
Your sentences are usually well-structured and easy to understand, but there are quite a few grammar errors in the story and the punctuation is often missing too. I would suggest you to get a proofreader or run your dialogues through grammarly.

Directing
The spot directing was pretty good, but I noticed some errors you may want to check out:

  • In the first episode Jaya is sliding into the kitchen and I’m pretty sure I saw Julianna popping in on screen on her first day at school at the lockers.
  • I would suggest you to pay attention to close the talking animations. It looks so much better if you put your characters in ‘idle’ or in any other looping animation when they have finished their lines, because sometimes it looks like that two characters are talking at the same time.
  • Some speech bubbles need to be fixed too, however most of them were at the correct place.

Notes on the author notes :slightly_smiling_face:
I don’t like author notes at all, but it’s subjective so I’m only going to highlight 3 things:

  • I don’t think you should apologize for not having a lot of choices. It’s your story, you should write it as you like.
  • You could probably skip the question whether Julianna and Ashton will meet again, especially if you say we all know the answer to that.
  • I also don’t think you should tell us how many lines your chapter has, it doesn’t really give much information to most of the readers.

Overall, I would suggest you to pay a little more attention to details and on character development. Your episodes are pretty short, but with more dialogue and/or additional scenes you can make them much longer and the story line would also look much more thought out. You could also try to improve the structure of your chapters and the way you are ending them. If you leave some questions open or add some minor cliffhangers, readers will more likely to continue your story.

Thank you to @Annieways for this review.

Diamond.Heart's Review

Things that need to be improved:

  • The grammar and punctuation. There were a lot of full stops and comas missing and that’s something that makes me want to stop reading a story, I really hate it. The grammar… there are a lot of grammatical errors and that’s something that personaly annoys me as well. Here are some examples of what I mean:
    Episode 1 : “ Delicious. Juli when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that ” should be “ Delicious. Juli, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that. ”;
    Episode 2 : “ Do I want to here this or the other choice ” should be “ Do I want to wear this or the other choice? ”.

All of these errors should be corrected and my advice is that all episodes should be checked on as much as you can before publishing them.

  • The plot. As some of my teammates already said, the plot was really confusing and I couldn’t see what the story was really about if it wasn’t for the description. That’s not good. The way Juli and Jaya got out of their home was a little bit rushed. The bonus scene was not necessary.

My advice: Take your time writting each episode. The way everything was planned seemed a little bit rushed. There’s an idea, but it isn’t well developped and that leaves the readers confused.

  • The directing. It isn’t the worst but it could be better. I noticed some scenes where the characters wheren’t well placed.

My advice’s the same I gave for the grammar and punctuation. Always preview your story countless times until you’ve corrected these errors.

Things that I personally liked:

I liked some of the funny moments. I also liked the description of the story, not only because it helped me understand the story a little better but because it was actually well written. The directing was pretty decent.

My teammates already said a lot and that’s why I only chose some examples.

Thank you to @Diamond.Heart for this review.

_Haruka's Review

Review: City Meets Country

Episode 1, errors:

Grammar/spelling/punctuation:

Things I put in bold are things that need to be added in/changed.

Julianna: “Does this answer your question? Let’s go downstairs so you can ea t. I don’t need crumbs in my roo m. ” - there are full stops/periods missing.

Julianna: “Wel l, soon to be my old roo m. ” - there is a comma and a full stop/period missing.

Jaya: "Delicious. Jul i, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her tha t. - punctuation missing.

Julianna: “How are you suppos ed to tell your 6 year old little sister that her m om would rather be a gold digge r, getting old guys and taking trips around the world th a n be with us?” - mom shouldn’t be capitalised.

Julianna: “How are you suppos ed to tell your sister that our mom is such a horrible human being and when we were bor n, regrets not giving us up?”

Julianna: “Jay a, I promise life will get better for us.” - there should be a comma after Jaya.

Julianna: “Pack your stuf f. We’re going to the country and I’m selling the house. We’re gonna to live with Aunt Dee.”

Jaya: “ We’re going on a plane and we’re going to see Aunt Dee.” - it may sound better as ‘We’re going on a plane to see Aunt Dee.’

Julianna: “She’s taking it better than I expecte d. ” - it should be ‘than’ here instead of then.

The readerMessage had some errors in it, it went away too quickly for me to remember what they were, but just read over that and have a check :blush:

Julianna: "Hey Aunt Dee, I was wondering if Jaya and I could live with you. I sold the house and my used to be mom is too bus y. - the ‘my’ shouldn’t be capitalised.

Dee: “Of course y’all can. I’ll start preparing your room s . Just make sure you alert the school and don’t tell your mom you’re living with m e, you know she’s gonna to throw a fit.”

Julianna: “Thank yo u, Aunt De e. I love you and I won’ t.

Dee: “By e, l ove y’all.”

Julianna: “No w , where is she?”

NARRATOR: If you guys are curiou s, J aya is in the taxi." - here, you wrote 'Jaya is the taxi. I presume she’s not a taxi :wink:

Mom: “Thank god you’re her e, Agatha. I need someone to carry these boxes to the car. I’m going to the airport.

Julianna: “Firs t, my name is Julianna. Secon d, why do you need to go to the airport?”

Mom: “Wel l, I can’t be hopeful that my oldest daughter would actually be**…**”

Julianna: "Gir l, at least I know what 1+1 is. You had to cheat your way to work her e. - wow, the mom needs to retake first grade :joy:

Mom: “Even though it’s none of your business, I’m going to California with my boyfriend Robert for a wee k.

Mom: “You’ve been taking care of her since you were ten . What’s a few more year s? ” - here, the ten should be written as ‘ten’ rather than ‘10’.

NARRATOR: “ Julianna is 16 and Jaya is 6 <3 ” - the ‘if you guys didn’t know’ isn’t necessary because nobody would know.

Julianna: “You want Jaya and me out of your lif e, I need you to sign your rights away for both of us.”

Mom: “Gladly. Also, Robert and I are going to move into the house after our trip to Californi a.

Julianna: “Yea h, I’ll look into it.”

Julianna: “No reason she needs to know I sold the house and I’m gonna live with my dad’s siste r.

Mom: “California is my state, I never wanted to have kid s.

Mom: "Wel l, bye Julianna. I hope you and the other human have a steady lif e.

Julianna: " Jaya, ex-mom, her name is Jaya. We’re going to live with the woman you loath e .

Jaya: “I love ponie s.

Julianna: “New town, n ew life. Hopefully aunt Dee is on tim e.

NARRATOR: “Attention, all passengers, we are now landing in LinkFord Heights, Wisconsi n. Thank you for flying with us.”

Julianna: “Jay a, wake yourself up.” - alternatively, you could just say, ‘Jaya, wake up.’

Julianna: “ We’re landing.”

Julianna: “Wel l, this place is still the same.”

Dee: "Jay a, why are you just standing there all still fo r? B low ya aunt Dee a kis s.

Jaya: “This is for yo u, a unt Dee.”

Dee: “I’ll show y’all your room s.

Dee: “This room is for Jay a.

Jaya: “Yasss s, h one y!

Dee: “We should give her and her room some time alon e.

Dee: “I knew you would like it if I just fixed it up. Als o, you and Jaya are starting school on Monda y.

Dee: “So I just want to warn you that we do things different ly in the sout h, and the boys are cuter.

Julianna: “I think I’ll be the judge of that. City boys are cute too, you know.**” - the aunt Dee isn’t necessary.

Dee: “But country boys, baby. They’re tough on the outside and so smooth and sweet on the inside.”

Selena: “Hey guys ! I’m gonna show you a bonus scene with Jaya, Julianna’s mom and her new boyfriend.

Mom: “This doesn’t look like a mansio n, R obert.”

Robert: “It was in an ad.”

Mom: "Why would you even look at ads that have houses IN THE WOOD S? Especially since it’s nowhere near a mal l.

Mom: “Goo d, I don’t want to break up with yo u. I love you.”

Mom: “Or because I don’t want to work to find another hopeless romantic rich gu y.

Robert: “Come o n, find houses**, internet,** my relationship is in jeopardy.

Selena: “I hope you guys have enjoyed this bonus scene**, now** onto my outro, keep tapping. ” - I assume you meant outro? It’s not an introduction if it’s at the end of a story XD

Selena: Selena: “Als o, don’t change yourself for a boy or a gir l. We can all be single and slay while doing it."

Selena: “Hey guys ! I hope you enjoyed my very first chapter . Sorry there weren’t any choices, but there will be ones in the next episode.”

Selena: I wonder if ther e’s any goat curry and white rice left."

Selena: “Bye guys. DE E, DON’T LET JAYA EAT ALL THE FOOD!”

Dee: “To o late! You better ru n!

Selena: “But I’m in heels. Heck with i t.

Julianna: “ Thank you so much for giving this story a try. It’s greatly appreciated.

Julianna: "Al so, p lease have mercy on Selena. She’s very new at this so keep that in mind.”

Julianna: “Bye guys !”

Coding:

When Jaya comes on, she slides into the scene from the bottom left while eating pizza.

When Dee is talking to Julianna on the phone ('of course y’all can etc.), Julianna appears to be talking. Change her animation to a listening one.

When mom comes into the scene (‘thank god you’re here, Agatha etc.’), she comes on, and then the box briefly disappears, and reappears.

When Dee says 'This room is for Jaya.", the speechbubble makes it look like Julianna is speaking. Try spot-directing it to make it look like Dee is speaking.

General comments :blob_hearts:

There are a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed, but overall, this was a drama-packed, funny read :blush:

Thanks for reading my review.

Chapter 2-3:

There were still frequent grammar/punctuation mistakes and a couple of typos. Make sure you read over the script several times to weed out any errors. It’s also good to read your story in the mobile app to check for any directing errors, such as when Dexter goes over to Julianna in the locker hallway. Overall, the plot was a little hard to grasp, but I gather that it’s the first day of school for both Julianna and Jaya. If you aren’t already, I think it would be a good idea to properly plan out your story so that you know what’s happening and where it’s going. You’re the author, you control the plot, not the characters. You may also want to flesh out your characters- determine what kind of personality they all have, as this is a little unclear in the story.

Thank you to @_Haruka for this review.

JemU776's Review

Things to improve on in regards to Chapter 1:

OK, so there periods missing at the end of sentences.

When the little girl comes on screen left, she does so sliding in the kitchen while she’s eating pizza.

Things I bolded that need to be added in/modified:

Juliana: ”Does this answer your question? Let’s go downstairs so you can ea t. I don’t need crumbs in my roo m.
There should be a period there.

6 year old little sister would be better written as six year old sister .

Juliana: Jay a, I promise life will get better for us.
A comma needs to go here.

Juliana: “Pack your stu ff. We’re going to the country and I’m selling the house. We’re gonna live with aunt Dee.”
I noticed the author used were in situations where there needed to be the word we’re instead (we + are). Sorry, that was a mouthful :joy:

Juliana: “ We’re going on a plane and we’re going to see aunt Dee.”
We are, not were.
I would argue it sounds better like “We’re going on a plane to see aunt Dee.”
Juliana: “She’s taking it better than I expected.”

Than instead of then

The readerMessage had some mistakes in it.

When Juliana says “and My used to be mom is busy” the m in my should not be capitalized and there should be a period at the end of the word busy as the sentence ends .

When Dee speaks, there are a lot of errors; you need punctuation in those sentences.

Juliana: “Thank yo u, au nt De e. I love you and I won’ t.

Dee: “By e, l ove y’all.”

Juliana: “No w, where is she?”

NARR: If you guys are curiou s, J aya is in the taxi.

Mom: “Thank god you’re her e, A gatha. I need someone to carry these boxes to the car.” You wrote to the car to the airport in this sentence. That does not make sense, you’d erase one of them.

Juliana: “Fir st, m y name is Juliana. Seco nd, wh y do you need to go to the airport?”

The mom doesn’t know what 1 + 1 is :scream: :pleading_face:

Also, the sentence needs work as well as the one before it.

Mom: "You’ve been taking care of her since you were ten . What’s a few more year s?"

Juliana: “You want Jaya and me out of your lif e. I need you to sign your rights away for both of us.”

Mom: “Gladly. Also, Robert and I are going to move into the house after our trip to California.”
You wrote Also Me and Robert, which is wrong as you need a comma after also and me shouldn’t be capitalized. Me and Robert is OK to say in spoken English but it is incorrect.

Juliana: “Yea h, I’l l look into it.”

Bye shouldn’t be capitalized when the mom says “Well Bye Juliana.” Also, you need to add commas in your sentences.

Juliana: “ Jaya, ex-mom, her name is Jaya. We’re gonna live with the woman you loat he.

Gonna is fine in spoken English, I use it, too. Going to is the correct form, though.

There should be a period at the end of “I love ponies.”

Don’t capitalize the a in aunt.

NARR: Attention, all passengers, we are now landing in LinkFord Heights, Wiscons in. Tha nk you for flying with us."

Oh wow, never heard of a place like LinkFord Heights, it sounds cool :smiley:

Juliana: “Jay a, w ake yourself up.”

Juliana: “ We’re landing.”
Remember, we are, not were.

Juliana: “We ll, t his place is still the same.”

When Dee tells Jaya to blow her a kiss, the whole sentence needs to be re-worked.

Jaya: “This is for yo u, a unt Dee.”

When Dee says “This room is for Jay a. ” the speechbubble comes from the other girl which looks awkward. I would suggest moving the speechbubble around so it looks like Dee is the one speaking when she actually is.

There are commas missing in the following sentences and don’t forget to add periods.

Dee: “But country boys, baby. They’re tough on the outside and so smooth and sweet on the inside.”
They’re (they + are) instead of their

When Mom and Robert are speaking, zoom into the scene because then the reader is viewing the unnecessary space, screen left, where there is no activity happening.

Mom: “This doesn’t look like a mansio n, R obert.”

Robert: “It was in an ad.”

Mom: “Why would you even look at ads that have houses in the woods!”
Have instead of has. Also the other part of the sentence needs punctuation.

I came across a few other grammatical errors.

Selena: “Als o, don’t change yourself for a boy or a girl.”
The other line Selena says after needs some work.

Selena: “Hey guys ! I hope you enjoyed my very first chapter . Sorry, if there weren’t any choices, but there will be ones in the next episode.”

Juliana: “Thank you so much for giving this story a try. It’s greatly appreciated.”

Juliana: “Al so, p lease have mercy on Selena. She’s very new at this so keep that in mind.”

These are my thoughts on chapter one. I liked that it was short and she’s heading in the right direction, it is drama packed but there are a lot of grammatical errors that need to be fixed.

Thank you for reading :heart:

Chapter 2 feedback:

Things to add in are bolded :

Juliana: “I didn’t know aunt Dee still had this. I wonder if I can still play it. O nly one way to find ou t."

Juliana: "Treasu re, le t me treasure yo u."

Hmm, the Treasure in the beginning part sounds sort of awkward. Perhaps remove that and start with “Let”.

Juliana: “I wonder if there’s food downstai rs. I’m starving.” There should be a space between the period (.) and I’m

It was nice seeing a choice (Peanut butter and jelly OR Toast, even if it’s a simple choice) since Episode is an interactive app. The j in jelly shouldn’t be capitalized, though.

When Juliana talks about exploring or binge watching shows, the speechbubble is all the way up. Fix that. Here’s a thread on speechbubbles to check out: :thought_balloon: HOW TO: Spot direct Speech Bubble

Dee: “Julian a, p ut some clothes on and wake up Jaya. We’re going to the Anderson’s.”
We + are, not were.
Again, the speechbubble was all the way.

The a in aunt should not be capitalized. Also, don’t forget to include a period at the end of sentences.

Juliana: "What should I wea r?"

Add the question mark at the end. Also, the speechbubble covers her face, so spot direct it lower.

When Juliana changes into an outfit, she should ask: “Do I want to wear this one or try the other option?”

Juliana: “Ye p, t his is my style.”

Juliana: “ What am I supposed to do her e? All aun t Dee said was to go out here while she gossips with Miss. Dejaya.

Instead of “out here” you can write “ outside

Juliana: “As soon as those words left his lips, I could hear his sweet but deep, southern accent which sounded like music to my ears.” ← it’s better to write it this way.

There’s a few commas (,) you need in the sentences and remember to add periods (.) at the end.

Ashton: “ What’s your nam e, s weetheart?”

Ashton: “So, you’re Dee’s niec e. S he has been talking about you to my m om since last week.”

Ashton: “What are you looking for?”
Ashton: “Your pride?”
Ashton: “I think you lost it a long time ago.”

Put these three sentences in separate speechbubbles so there is a smooth flow to them.

The readerMessage should say “Oh n o, h e didn’t.”

Juliana: “…because I know you’re not talking to me.”

You’re not instead of you not (you + are). I didn’t write the rest of the sentence before she says this (instead, I denoted it using three dots) since this was the part that had an error in it.

Juliana: “How can such a good looking boy be so idiotic and rude?”
Juliana: “I know I may not be nice all the time, but this boy better square up right now because I want to hit him so bad.”

The option should say “Slap some sense into him.” which is what I chose.

Juliana: “And this is why you don’t mess with a city girl, jerk.

Dee: “So, if there’s no intrude r, w hy are you screaming?”

There instead of their. (if there + is no intruder)

“Vent to aunt Dee.” is what the option should say.

Juliana: "It’s your stupid friend’s son Ashton. He comes off as sweet like a bird but then he turns into a vicious bee."

When Dee and Juliana are talking about boys, the sentences run on too long, they’re missing commas and periods.

Carter: “So, let me get this straight. You were a total jerk to this girl and she didn’t fall for you. Instead, she hit you.”

Carter: “That girl is l it. I have to meet her.”

“That girl sounds lit.” would probably be better.

Carter: " Isn’t it cool? I got it on a website that was selling Empire merchandi se."

Ashton: "I don’t think E mpire has merchandis e, but I do remember where I’ve seen it before. At the ninety-nine cents store."

Carter: “My m om and d ad are gonna whoop me into next year.”

Carter: "Als o, is your mom making red velvet waffle s?"

Selena: “Of c ourse, you don’t have to sub. Free w orld.”

Other things I noticed:

Juliana: Stupid j erk.

The j in jerk shouldn’t be capitalized.

“Come on Juliana, do your thing.” There should be a comma there.

Three dots instead of two when Juliana says “This story will be continued”

It’s cool how they include how many line numbers their story is.

OK, overall, it was interesting however sometimes confusing, so I suggest making changes to episode 2 since I feel that it has so much more potential :+1:

Episode 3 Review:

Jaya: “Jul i, w ake up.” ← There should be a comma there.

The way Jaya got up looked like a glitch so fix that.

Jaya: “What’s the best way to get your sister out of be d? ” ← Add the part I bolded and add a question mark.

Jaya: “Aunt Dee made donut s. ” ← There should be a period at the end of the sentence.

Remember to add periods to the end of sentences. I won’t mention every sentence here that is missing a period but there are a lot.

Jaya: “Maybe not but you’re late for school.” You’re (you + are) instead of your. Also, put the needing to wake her part in another sentence so it sounds more smooth.

Juliana: “ You’re not exactly in a “I’m ready to go” outfi t. ” - You’re (you + are) instead of your. Also, add a period at the end of outfit since the sentence ends.

Juliana: "I need to get read y." ← Add the period.

One of the options should say: “Let me just tell you, you need to stop hating.” (Add in the bolded part)

“Ye s, t his outfit is the bomb.” ← There should be a comma there. Also, a period at the end of this as well as at the end of the other option.

When Juliana says “I slay”, don’t forget to put something at the end.

Juliana randomly appears at her locker out of thin air. Spot her there before.

Dexter: “She looks nice. Now, let’s see if she is.see or find out are both fine to use. Also, you don’t even need Now there, you can start with Let’s.

Dexter walks over her friend Kimmy to talk to her. Fix that, it’s a layering issue.

Dexter: “H i, I’m Dexte r. ” ← Add the comma in there, and add a period.

Juliana: "Oh sorr y, I ’m Juliana Knigh t." ← Add the comma, don’t capitalize the s in sorry and add a period at the end of the sentence.

Dexter: “I’ve heard of you. You’re Miss. Dee’s niec e. ” ← Put a space between the period and You’re. Also, it’s you’re (you + are) instead of your. A period needs to go at the end of the sentence, as well.

Dexter: Sure
Dexter: Let me just text my friend Kimmy so she can go without me.

This would be better suited for two speechbubbles.

Kimmy: “Juliana. So, that’s her name.”
Kimmy: “I already know we’re going to be such good friends. Now, off to class.”

Write it this way for Kimmy.

Don’t use well too many times in your sentences. Too much repetition isn’t a good thing.

Juliana: “ To cut the story shor t, K immy and Dexter are now my sisters, forever. ” < — sisters instead of sister’s. Also, fix the other stuff (the bolded words are what you should re-work.)

Kimmy: “S o, you’re from New York?” ← A comma should go in there and it is you’re (you + are) instead of your.

Juliana: “Yeah, I loved the fast pace and the city lights, but I decided that I needed a breath of fresh air.” (write it this way instead, as it sounds more smooth).

Juliana: “Hopefull y, t hey bought it. I don’t like being pitied .”

Dexter: “We ll, w elcome to every kid’s nightmar e.

Dexter: “Do you notice how we’re the only ones here?” We’re (we + are) instead of were.

Kimmy: " Everyone except the people in Miss. Lydia’s class got detention or ended up suspended." < this part needs to be reworked (the stuff that’s bolded is the stuff that I’ve modified.) Also, this is a highly unrealistic scenario.

Dexter: "Because the principal is an evil has-been model that can’t let teenagers be actual teens."

Kimmy: "On the weeken d, h ow about you come over to my place and meet the rest of the squa d?"

Kimmy: "Tell me your numb er." ← A period needs to go here.

Dexter: "Thank goodness it’s a half-day today so we only have one more class left to go." Add an a in front of half-day. It is a half-day sounds more smooth as opposed to it is half-day. It’s (it + is)

Juliana: "Did she even do her homewor k?" ← A question mark needs to go here.

Juliana: “Not my problem.”
Juliana: “It’s hers.”

Put this into two, separate speechbubbles and It’s her would be better to use.

The readerMessage should say “I own n othing.” ← The n should not be capitalized.

Ashton: “S o, C arter, w hy are we at a salon?” ← the w in why shouldn’t be capitalized.

Carter: "Follow m e."

Ms Lydia: “Hey, Ashton. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
Ms Lydia: “How’s your mama and the cheater that she married?”

On two separate speechbubbles. Also, I’ve made a few changes to it so that it flows smoothly.

Remember not to use well too much. Don’t use now too much, either. Add commas and don’t forget to add a period at the end of sentences. I know I stressed this many times but it is just so important. Make sure your sentences aren’t so long. Split them up.

Carter: “Mam a, I said I was sorry.”

Ms Lydia: “ Boy, you’re so lucky I didn’t whoop you because I know I raised you right.” <-this sentence sounds a bit strange. Perhaps remove the “I know” part.

Ms Lydia: “I made strawberry, chocolate frosted donuts. So, anybody gonna eat them?” Gonna is fine to use but going to is the correct form. Also, the s in strawberry and the c in chocolate shouldn’t be capitalized.

Ashton walks behind the donut overlay, make him walk in front of it.

Carter: “ We’re having another member added to our group.” We’re (we + are) instead of were.

Ashton: “S o, w ho’s the new girl?”

Ashton’s speechbubble is coming out of Carter’s mouth. Fix that part.

Carter: "She says at Crystal Cove beach on Saturday at 7: 00 pm."

I would argue to replace “blue-purple” eyes with another type of description since it can sound strange at times.

Selena: “Also, I just want to tell you readers that I appreciate you guys so much.”

Selena: “And if you want to be in my stor y, y ou know where the fan-mail is.”

When Juliana comes in to say “To be continued”, there needs to be three dots instead of two.

OK, overall this is the feedback I can give you and wish you good luck on everything :heart:

Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.

Kimballet's Review

Here’s my review on the first 3 chapters:

Episode 1:
Omg Jaya is so cute, I love her already! I also see that this is your first story so congrats on publishing 20 chapters, that’s amazing!

One thing I’d improve if you decide to re-vamp, or at least for your next story is that I’d love a little longer to get to know the characters. Maybe show the mom being the worst throughout the years with a few flashbacks, maybe one when Julianna is little (like 6) and looking for her mom while she’s talking to some guy, another one when Julianna is 10 and looking after baby Jaya, and maybe a third a little while later because things should come in threes!

Another big thing is grammar. I know the goal is to keep up reader retention and this is an easy way to do so. Punctuation at the ends of sentences, “we’re” for we are not “were” (which I know Episode marks as a mistake in the portal so that can be annoying), and no random Capitalizations will make it much easier to read.

I also agree with the other reviewers on their comments on spot directing and transitions so I won’t repeat those. And the author notes in the middle of the story are a bit distracting, try them as author’s notes at the top (or even not at all!) because most of them could be shown not told. The saying “show me don’t tell me” is something writers hear a lot :slightly_smiling_face:

Overall, promising start, with a few enhancements that could take this to the next level!

Episode 2&3:
Love the outfit choices, very cute and I can see more of Julianna’s personality coming out through these choices, so nice work!

However, I’m a bit confused as to where this takes place. Which city are Julianna and Jaya from [correction: I do see that they’re from NYC in the third chapter, but it would have been great to see that earlier, even if it was just a few seconds of some NYC backgrounds, I lived there for a while and LOVE to see my city in Episode stories :slight_smile:]. Also, Wisconsin is in the Midwest, not the South, so if you want a “southern” state, I’d pick Tennessee, Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, etc., or if you want to keep it in Wisconsin, just replace “southern” with “midwestern” since midwesterners have an accent too and are very different from city folk :slight_smile:. Also, Ashton/Carter’s room has a city backdrop, so that’s a bit weird as well. I’m not a custom background maker but check out EpisodeLife.com and post on the forums for backgrounds!

I also got a bit confused why Ashton would be so blatantly mean to Julianna. It would have maybe been funnier if he was trying to “neg” her but failed. Or have been like “Oh did I say that out loud?” or something, but you know the characters better… I also think both options resulted in Julianna punching him. It’d be nice to have a verbal smackdown option as well (I thought I chose that but I punched him so guess not :woman_shrugging:).

I also was confused as to why Dexter texted Kimmy from like 2 feet away. Also where did the cupcakes come from? It’d be cool if maybe that’s what Dexter texted Kimmy to get or something and then they made fun of each other for texting more than talking, even in the same room.

Instead of telling the story about Lydia and Ashton’s mom, show it! Or part of it… It was quite confusing to read because these are new characters.

Also, I do kinda love the author outro you have with Julianna, so nice work on breaking the 4th wall there, it’s very cute and grew on me a lot from the first episode forward.

Overall, I think it’s an interesting story and can see there’s gonna be more drama down the line. Pay attention to spelling/grammar and showing events instead of telling readers about them and I think you’d have a really funny drama story :slight_smile:

Thank you to @kimballet for this review.

Lex2's Review

Upon reading 3 episodes I noticed a lot of punctuation mistakes. There are hardly any periods at the end of sentences, and a lot of the sentences are ran together. That could be fixed by adding commas and breaking sentences apart. When the MC went to school she popped into the scene that can be fixed by using & and not @. There was also a time where the layering was off during that scene. In one of the kitchen scenes the layering needs to be fixed as well. For your first story the directing isn’t that bad, you only had layering issues that you missed here and there and the few instances where your characters popped into scenes. The dialogue and punctuation needs a lot of work. As far as the plot all I know is that the mother left her children, and it seemed like she never cared for them from the beginning, and the children move in with their aunt. I’d suggest adding more details and events in the first 3 episodes because if you don’t grab your audience during that time, they’ll stop reading it.

Thank you to @Lex2 for this review.

Mint-Episode's Review

@Mint-Episode 's review will be separate since they took notes with screenshots.

You can CLICK HERE to view it.

Thank you to @Mint-Episode for this review.

OreoBiscuit's Review

Episode 1 summary:
The length of the story was a little short
The episode consisted of a lot of telling instead of showing and very little explanation was done.
There were quite a few errors such as using the wrong there and their and using the wrong were and we’re .
A few messages at the end of the story, such as the number of lines the episode had was not needed.

Episode 2 summary:
The first scene had no relevance. Majority of the scene was just watching the MC walk from zone 1 to zone 2.
In yhe 3rd scene, there was an error with the zoom… I believe.
A lot of question marks were missing when needed.
The episode was stilk short and did not explain anything that was going on. It kind of seemed like a random episode.
Again the number of lines written is not needed at the end.

Episode 3 summary:
The very first scene had a layering issue between the MC and Jaya.
The layering in the 2nd scene was also wrong and a character seemed to glide into a spot.
A few sentences were missing words or the correct punctuation.
Again the episode was really short and did more telling instead of showing.
Please stop having thr author appear at the end of every single episode.
We already know that the story is short so the number of lines at the end of each episode is not needed.

Postive feedback:
The spot directing was good despite there being aome layering issues.
Good amount of choices in episodes 2 and up.
It was easy to identify the role of each character instead of being left confused.
The directing is good for a beginner. With more practice it will definitely improve.

Overall summary:
The story seemed rushed which maybe explains why there was more telling instead of showing. Take your time with each episode and also focus on your grammar.

Thank you to @OreoBiscuit for this review.

xxLoveAaliyah's Review

City Meets Country.

Directing/grammar:

Episode 1

  • Julianna speech bubble needs to be sized down a bit. Set it to 90% that way it’s not blocking the characters face.
  • “Let’s go downstairs so you can eat I don’t need crumbs on my bed” Change this to “Let’s go downstairs so you can eat. I don’t need crumbs on my bed.” You were missing punctuation in this sentence.
  • You are missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. Which makes your sentence incomplete.
  • Jaya is sliding from the bottom of the screen. Spot her off-screen and then have her walk into spot. She’s also gliding.

You can avoid that by doing @JAYA walks to spot 1.280 302 16 THEN JAYA is eat_pizza (change the numbers, these are random)

  • “Delicious. Juli when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that” This needs to be “Delicious. Juli, when is mom coming home? If I can even call her that.” When speaking directly to someone that is called a direct address. Therefore you need a comma before a name.

Example: Hey, how are you, Aaliyah?

  • Any number lower than 100 should be in letters.
  • Your missing punctuation in a lot of your sentences. Commas and periods. Which are very important.
  • After the characters are done speaking, you should put them an idle_loop animation.
  • Aunt and mom don’t need to be capitalized unless it’s the start of a sentence.
  • In your readerMessage you need to space those commas out.
  • “Hey Aunt Dee, I was wondering if me and Jaya could live with you. I sold the house and My used to be is to busy” Fix this and change it to “ Hey, aunt Dee ” I’m not sure what you’re trying to say after the first period. You’re also missing punctuation.
  • When Dee is speaking you should have Juli doing the listening on the phone animation.
  • “Thank you Aunt Dee Love you and I won’t” Incorrect. “Thank you, aunt Dee. I love you and I won’t.”
  • I know this story is fictional, however, signing your rights away as a parent isn’t that simple. This scene was unrealistic.
  • You need to familiarize yourself with direct address.
  • Jaya looks weird in the airplane scene. Maybe spot her to make it look like she’s in the seat.
  • “Jaya wake your self up.” Use this instead “Jaya, wake yourself up.” Or “Jaya, wake up.”
  • “Were landing” “We’re landing.”
  • You should use transitions.
  • Characters pop into the screen. Use & instead of @
  • When Dee is showing Juli her room. The speech bubble isn’t on her.
  • Personally, I don’t like authors notes and I know some don’t either. You might want to limit that.
  • You should take out that 447 line. You don’t have to let readers know how many lines you wrote.

Episode 2

The guitar sound is still playing even after Juli leaves the bedroom. You can fix that by doing this:

music music_name
volume music 50 3000

  • “What should I eat” This needs fixing. Change it to “What should I eat?” Since you are asking a question you need a question mark.
  • “So what’s your name sweetheart?” This needs to be “So, what’s your name, sweetheart?”
  • What are you looking for, your pride because I think you lost it a long time ago.” You were missing a comma in this sentence. This is the correct way to write this.
  • I noticed you tried to use transition fade out, but instead you use transition fade in.

Episode 3

  • Jaya is layered behind Juli. You should put Jaya in layer 2
  • Characters popping in.
  • Directing errors continue over to episode 3
  • Layering issues with the donuts. The boys walk through it.
  • Grammatical errors continue over to this episode.

Feedback:

My comments: The plot was unclear throughout the first three episodes. I understood what the plot was based on the description, but as I was reading I didn’t see it. Which isn’t good. The episodes felt rushed and it didn’t feel like you put any effort into it. They were also short which doesn’t help with the plot being unclear. The comedy was okay, but a lot of it seemed forced and it didn’t feel natural. The characters felt stiff and I didn’t connect with any of them. I mean the mom was funny. One thing that bothered me in this story was the stereotypes. You were trying to make Juli this ghetto character. Which you succeeded. I didn’t like that. It threw me off while reading. Anyway, my advice is to plan and take your time with your story. You also need to work on punctuation and the way you word your sentences. You had a lot of run-on sentences and you were missing punctuation in the majority of your dialogue. This story has the potential to be great. My advice is to: Revamp episode 1-3. You want to pull characters in and get them hooked on your story. But the first 3 episodes lacked excitement.

Extras:

Extra: I would advise toning down the “ghetto” you have in your story. It was a tad bit much and it can come off as offensive. I was a little offended by it.

In no way am I trying to make you feel discouraged. I hope this feedback helped and if you have any questions feel free to reach out to me.

Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.

8 Likes

It’s posted :+1:

2 Likes

Of course, new members are always welcome to join ^^

We have an example here:

It is individual reviews however we talk over it through PM and post on Saturdays after a week :revolving_hearts:

5 Likes

Ooh that sounds so cool! I’d love to be a giver. :kissing_heart:

2 Likes

Thank you all for the feedback!

3 Likes

No problem, we hope it helps you and we wish you good luck :+1: :heart:

3 Likes

@Mint-Episode Review

Episode 1
I am a little bit confused about episode one, it needs a little more but other than that and a few corrections it was good.

-First off, I love the cover!
-There should be a common after eat in this screenshot and a full stop at the end.
-Also I would try to set the bubble so it’s not blocking Jaya’s face too much.

-Full stop at the end.

-Have Jaya walk on to the scene then use the eat_pizza animation.
-Comma after Juli and full stop at the end.

-Not sure if possible for this bubble but try to see if you can set the bubble so it’s not blocking Jaya’s face too much.
-Comma after gold digger.
-‘then’ should be ‘than’.

-Use ‘that’ instead of ‘and’ after human being.
-Use ‘regretted’ instead of ‘regrets’.

-When Juli bends to kneel down, she is scaled a bit too big, try to adjust her size with spot directing.
-The bubble appears to be pointing more to Jaya instead of Juli.
-Comma after Jaya.

-Remove the full stop after country and use ‘because’ instead of ‘and’.
-Try to fix the bubble so it is closer to Juli.

-‘Were’ should be ‘We’re’.
-After Aunt Dee, the full stop should be a question mark.

-‘then’ should be ‘than’.
-Full stop at the end.

-You may want to say instead Jaya and I instead of me and Jaya.
-Question mark after ‘you’.
-full stop after ‘busy’.

-Comma after ‘rooms’.
-Full stop after ‘me’.
-Full stop after ‘fit’.

-Comma after Aunt Dee.
-Full stop after ‘won’t’.

-Comma after ‘Bye’.

-Need to add ‘in’ after ‘is’.

-When Mom walks in with the box, the box disappears then reappears. Try Mom is walk_carry_box to whatever position then Mom is idle_carry_box then you can have her kneel as if she is putting it down.

-'god should be ‘God’.
-‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.

-‘first’ should be ‘firstly’. Comma after firstly.
-‘second’ should be ‘secondly’. Comma after secondly.

-Full stop after ‘Bright’.

-These bubbles need to be a little closer to the characters forgot to mention this earlier for this scene.
-Full stop after ‘here’.

-Full stop after ‘week’.

-Full stop after ‘years’.

-Comma after ‘life’.

-Full stop after ‘California’.

-Full stop after sister.

-Full stop after ‘kids’.

-Full stop after ‘life’.

-Should be Jaya, Ex Mom. Comma after Jaya.
-‘were’ should be ‘we’re’.
-Full stop after ‘loathe’.

-Full stop after ‘ponies’.

-Should be ‘New town and New life.’
-Full stop after time.

-‘We’ should be ‘we’.
-Full stop after ‘Wisconsin’.

-Should be ‘yourself’.
-You might want to have Juli do the animation shiftweight after she tells Jaya to quake up. So she is not in the call out position too long.
-Full stop after ‘landing’.
-Need to fix how the exit the screen, check the screen. It look weird.

-Juli seem to appear in the scene in Aunt Dee’s house after the scene came up.
-See if you can fix Juli’s bubble. It looks like Aunt Dee is talking.

-Comma after ‘Jaya’.
-Comma after ‘for’.
-Full stop after ‘kiss’.
-Try giving Juli an animation while unt Dee is talking. Like a laugh e.g.

-Full stop after ‘Dee’.

-Full stop after ‘rooms’.

-Bubble in wrong direction.
-Full stop after ‘Jaya’.

-Try: Yasss, Honey!

-Sometime is one word.
-Full stop after ‘alone’.

-Mama Mia!
-Also I too was wondering why I am seeing buildings that should be in the city as the background.

  • Add ‘it’ after ‘like’.
    Comma after ‘Also’ and full stop after ‘Monday’.

-So, I just wanted to warn you that we do things differently in the south and the boys are much cuter.

-‘to’ should be ‘too’.
-Comma after ‘and’ and full stop after ‘Dee’.

-But Country boys Baby, they’re tough on the outside and so smooth and sweet on the inside.

-I was a little put off by this, in my opinion I think you should just show it and do like a readerMessage to say something like bonus scene.

  • I realize that a lot of the scenes don’t have transitions. Even if it is just 2 seconds.

-Full stop after Robert.

-An ad.

-‘has’ should be ‘have’.
-Full stop after ‘mall’.

-Bubble in the wrong position.

-Full stop after ‘guy’.

-Position bubble closer to Robert.

Episode 2

-Comma after ‘play’.
-Full stop after ‘out’.
-Bubble is a little to far from Juli.

-Bubble is a little to far from Juli.
-Full stop after ‘you’.

-Bring bubble closer to Juli.
-Same for the food choices.

-Comma after ‘yes’ and full stop after ‘honey’.

-Bubble needs to be closer to Juli.
-Question mark after ‘today’.
-Aunt Dee looks weird running in to the scene. You may need to check that.

-Bubble needs to be facing Dee.
-Comma after Julianna.
-‘were’ should be ‘we’re’.
-Exclamation mark after ‘Anderson’s’.

-Bubble needs to be facing Dee.
-Remove full stop after ‘soon’. Use ‘and’ instead.
-Full stop after ‘fail’.

-Adjust this bubble.
-Full stop after ‘wear’
-Full stop after the end of the next thought bubble (where I was able to choose what I want to wear). Didn’t remember to screenshot it.

-What Am I suppose to do here? All Aunt Dee said was to go out here while she gossips with Miss. Dejaya.

-Make the narrator bubble with tail top_left so Julianna’s name is facing her direction.

-Uh, hello, excuse me? Earth to the random girl in my backyard.

(Ashton is not very nice here :upside_down_face:)

-What???

-So what’s your name, Sweetheart?

-So, you’re Dee’s niece? She has been talking about you to my Mom since last week.

-Little boy wants to test me.

-What are you looking for, your pride? I think you lost it a long time ago.

-Remove ‘But’ and use ‘This’.
-Full stop after ‘now’.

-Position bubble if possible closer to Juli.
(He deserved that slap.)

-Position bubble if possible closer to Juli.
-Exclamation mark after ‘jerk’ instead.

(Aunt Dee coming in with her gun was so hilarious for me. It reminded me of Keywee from ‘The Marriage Counselor’ lol.)
-‘their’s’ should be there’s.

-Comma after ‘son’ then full stop after ‘Ashton’.
-‘he’ should then be ‘He’.
(Lol she is so nice in her description of him.)

-Position bubble closer to Juli.
-Some of the bubble sin this scene are not positioned properly.

-Position bubble closer to Aunt Dee.
-‘those’ should be ‘these’.
-Remove ‘But’ and add full stop after couple.

-Full stop after ‘nap’.
(DWL I really want to know why the sheriff shouldn’t know Dee has a gun!)

-Some of Ashton’s bubbles in this scene needs to be position properly.

-Remove comma after ‘merchandise’ and place it after ‘it’.
( I love the bromance between Ashton and Carter.)

Episode 3

-Jaya enters the room walking behind Juli. Move Juli to like layer 2 and jaya to layer 1 so she is walking in front of Juli.
-Comma after ‘Juli’.
-Place bubble closer to Jaya.
-Mainly bubble placement you need to check in this scene.

-When you fix the layer, Jaya would then appear in front of Juli in this screenshot.
-Think Jaya, what gets your sister out of bed?
( Jaya is a unusual name for me, I really like it.)

-Aunt Dee made donuts!

-Full stop after ‘cook’.
-Don’t forget to adjust the bubble’s position.

-‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.
-Full stop after ‘you’.

-‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.
-‘a’ should be ‘an’.
-Full stop after ‘outfit’.

-Bubble position.
Full stop after ’ ready’.

-Bubble position.

-Full stop after ‘slay’.

-Check on bubble placement in this scene as well. Needs to be closer to Kimmy.

-Full stop after ‘you’.

-Bubble a little closer to Dexter.
-‘lets’ should be ‘let’s’.
-Full stop after ‘is’.

-Full stop after ‘Dexter’.

-Oh, sorry.
-Full stop after ‘Knight’.

-Space between the full stop and ‘Your’ which should be ‘You’re’.
-Full stop at the end of ‘niece’.

-Full stop after ‘me’.

-Bubble closer to Kimmy.
-Comma after ‘Julianna’.
-‘were’ should be ‘we’re’.
-Full stop after ‘class’.

-Check bubble positions in this scene.
-‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.

-Yea, I loved the fast pace and the lights but then I decided that I needed some fresh air.

-Full stop after ‘pitied’.

-Well, welcome to every kid’s nightmare.

-‘were’ should be ‘we’re’.
-‘one’s’ should ‘ones’.

-‘Everybody except for the people in…’
-Space between ‘Ms.’ and ‘Lydia’.
-Full stop after ‘now’.

-Remove ‘Because’.
-‘the’ will then be ‘The’ or you can have Dexter say ‘Our’.
-Remember bubble placement.
-‘a’ should be ‘an’.
-Put ‘allow’ or ‘won’t’ after ‘can’t’.
-Full stop after ‘teens’.

-Remove the ‘But’.
-Full stop after ‘squad’.

-Full stop after ‘number’.
-Remember bubble positions.

-Full stop after ‘made’.

-Full stop after ‘class’.

-Full stop after homework.

-Adjust this bubble a little.
‘More’ should be ‘more’.
-Full stop after problem.

-Aston bubble pointing to Carter.
-‘Why’ should be ‘why’.

-Full stop after ‘me’.

-Comma after’Ashton’.
-Question mark after ‘married’.

-Full stop after believe.

-Well, this is Carter’s mom, Ms. Lydia and she and my mom were friends until Ms. Lydia caught him cheating on her.

-Remove the ‘And’.
-‘when’ should then be ‘When’.
-Comma after ‘proof’.
-‘My’ should then be ‘my’.

-Full stop after ‘behave’.

-Comma after ‘Mama’.
-Full stop after ‘sorry’.

-Full stop after ‘right’.

-Comma after ‘Now’.
-Remove comma after ‘Strawberry’.

-When they guys entered the scene, the donuts was layered in front so you would need to move it to a layer behind Ashton or move him to a higher layer number.
-‘Were’ should be ‘We’re’.
-Full stop after ‘group’.

-Full stop after ‘jerks’.

-Ashton’s bubbles are pointing to Carter.

  • I didn’t get to screen shot one but you should be able to see it.

-Full stop after ‘pm’.

-‘blue-purple’ should be ‘bluish-purplish’.
-Full stop after ‘eyes’.

-Bubble position.
-‘blue-purple’ should be ‘bluish-purplish’.
-Full stop after ‘her’.

NB/// It was a good story, I highlighted these things because for me they distracted me from the story a bit. I had quite a few laughs, I love what you have shown so far of the sisters’ relationship. My fav character thus far is Aunt Dee. I hope that going forward I see more character development, transitions are the key lol, bubble positioning and layering the overlays and characters.

1 Like

Could you put all of that into this:

My Review

Everything goes here

Thanks :heart:

3 Likes

@SelenaKnight3101 one our members has just posted a helpful review here:

Thank you @Mint-Episode

P.S Since it takes up a lot of space on this thread, they will be putting it under this soon:

My Review

Mint-Episode’s whole review will go here

4 Likes

I just want to say thank you again! And I took what you guys said into consideration. I’m revamping my story, and I hope you guys could review it when it’s done. :grin:

7 Likes

Of course :heart:

3 Likes

Yeah, keep us posted!!

3 Likes

@BEEBS07 just letting you know that our reviews for your story Mum Knows Best will be out tomorrow, on Saturday :+1:

3 Likes

Thank you :slight_smile: x

1 Like

Our Reviews for the story Mum Knows Best by @BEEBS07 :icecream: :revolving_hearts:

Annieways' Review

First impression
Your covers are pretty unique and after reading the story I think they represent it well. The description is fitting too, I would just suggest you to capitalize the MC’s name.

Characters
I usually don’t like weak female characters, but I completely understand why you made the MC the way you did. However, I would have expected her to at least doubt a few things or to be angry sometimes, which didn’t really happen. I felt like she just accepts the victim role, but I hope she will ask for some help or stand up for herself in the later chapters. I think you portrayed the mum pretty well.

Plot
Your story can be triggering for many readers, but I see that you put enough warnings in the beginning, which is good.
I must say I was confused with the plot several times and I was hoping you would try to raise awareness on mental illnesses as it is suggested on the loading screen, but after reading the first 3 chapters, I still didn’t see it, unfortunately. Again, it’s possible that I would understand it better in the later chapters, but to be honest readers won’t continue your story if they don’t see where it is going, and you have to draw their attention in the very first episodes.

Grammar
I noticed several grammar issues throughout the whole story. Since English is not my first language, I won’t try to correct them, but I suggest you to reread your story and get a proofreader. Some sentences didn’t even make sense to me and punctuation is also missing almost everywhere, which is an instant turn-off for many readers. I also noticed that some words were capitalized in the middle of the sentence, which is not needed, however in many cases ’I’ wasn’t.

Directing
Your intro is creative, and although I must admit I don’t like the theme, it fits the story.
You should check out your camera zooming, there are quite a few issues with it already in the first scene. For instance, the MC’s face cannot be seen in the whole scene, and although it’s possible this was intentional, it looks odd.
In many cases I would suggest you to use & instead of @, because that would make your directing much smoother, and would prevent your characters from popping up on screen, which happened a few times.
Your spot directing needs some work too. When there are more characters on screen, some of them are not placed correctly, and it can be seen when the characters walk in screen from the wrong place and sometimes instead of walking, they just jump from one spot to another.
I like that you used flashbacks instead of just telling what happened in the past, but it would look better if you used transitions like iris in and out.
I usually don’t mind stories without music, but I feel like it might be a good idea to add some music here to set the mood.

Overall
I think you have quite a few things to improve on, but first of all I would suggest you to focus on the MC’s personality. I know that the theme you choose is pretty heavy, but I think if we understood the MC’s feelings, intentions and thoughts better, this story would be more interesting to read.

Thank you to @Annieways for this review.

Epy.bhaddie's Review

Cc: Limited but I don’t think there should be CC it’s so limited limited like :joy: I can’t even customize the character the noses are limited and everything else (tHO I don’t mind) it just doesn’t feel necessary.
:anger:
Sound: This story especially I feel like needs sound so that it can help others know if it’s a sad scene happy scene or whatever
:anger:
Intro: So the puppet intro… Idk if that should be added in there like I see no need for it. I don’t think it’s necessary because it just ends really abruptly.
:anger:
Spelling and grammar errors: I saw one the second I started reading when it said
*Hi, it’s me I`m not sure I can do this, what if I cannot handle it?, am really scared…really scared.

Instead she should say,
Hey it’s me, I’m not sure I can do this, I’m feeling really nervous right now and I don’t know what to do.
:anger:
Ok so what I gathered so far is that there’s many words we may not have known about such as “fags” and it would be annoying to search it up so having a reader message telling us what it’s about would be amazing!!
:anger:
So there’s many spelling errors and grammatical errors, such as having no commas. So I recommend using Grammarly when writing it’s really helpful :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
:anger:
There are a few speech bubble errors like the bubbles would either be not where the character is or it’s covering the face. I suggest coding the speech bubble every time when writing dialogue.
:anger:
I think it would be a huge help to use & with @ to not have characters appearing a second late or overall have things go smooth and it’ll make your story neat.
:anger:
:joy: please do add music it would make your story so much better and more dramatic and add effect to the storyline!

Thank you to @xetic for this review.

JemU776's Review

Episode 1 Review:

I did notice a lot of errors though-I’m or I am (I’m is more common), not am. Sentences need periods. In the beginning, the d in description was capitalized. It should not have been.
“reading the Description of the story” is not right. Instead “reading the description of the story”
Three dots instead of two. ex “taken lightly…”
“So, if you have agreed to the following statement, then first things first… instructions .”
it’s (it +is) instead of its in some instances

“I guess this is the best that I’m gonna get.”

The m in mother should not be capitalized.

didn’t (did +not) instead of didnt

When asking a question, a question mark needs to go at the end of the sentence.

I’ll, not Ill

“Come on, please pick up.”

I saw ?, together. This wouldn’t make sense.

“I’ll see ya later.” the s in see shouldn’t be capitalized

“No, nothing at all.” <-a comma and period needs to go here.

Define what teething problems are. Do you mean the baby crying or something?

“I’ll turn you into a fairy princess.” add the will to this, since I alone sounds very awkward.

There were a lot of errors :sweat:

“Nicola, what have I told you about coming near me when I’m smoking?”
“We don’t want to have to take you to the hospital if you have an asthma attack.” (you wrote your here when it should have been you’re)

If I was Nicola, I’d run away.

“You’re such a disappointment to me.” You are, not your.

I chose the option “I already cleaned up the room, I’m not doing it again.” There’s no way I’m cleaning a room again, even if I’m not doing actual physical work and it’s just an episode story.

i needs to be capitalized. I, not i

Some sentences didn’t make sense.

The accident part made me kinda sad : /

Nicola: I suppose I better take a bath.

visits, not vistes

Some of the sentences need to be re-worked as they don’t make sense however the episode did evoke a lot of emotions. I will be updating this post as I finish chapter 1 (or replying to it).

Remaining chapter 1 review and chapters 2 and 3 review:

“My sister Lacey and I” instead of "me and my sister lacey”

BEEBS shouldn’t be capitalized.

Commas were missing throughout some sentences.

“Well, that was a trip down memory lane.” <- add the a in this otherwise it sounds sort of awkward.

“My family wasn’t the best” <- remove the it in front of family, also I think isn’t would be better to use instead of wasn’t .

In some instances, when you wrote “ was ” it should have been “ were ” instead.

“we were always together” instead of “we was always together”

“Lacy? Mama? Dad?” The d in dad should be capitalized.

Unknown: I’m always here. ( I’m instead of Am )

“Why does mum love you more than me?!” <- the m in mum should not be capitalized.

“You can run but you can’t hide.” <- better to write it this way.

Better to break up all of this below and write it like this:

This is your fault.”

“Everything is your fault.”

“You’re the youngest and she’s probably going to cut all of your hair off, too.”

I noticed something about the hair she was crying about…

It is shaggy long hair-the bed head hair! That’s like one of my most favorite hairstyles in INK, oh my :open_mouth:

Nicola: “No, I don’t want short hair!” To be fair, young Nicola has short hair while she’s saying this. Her hair is the same size as the one Kristen is complaining about. Maybe make a duplicate Kristen and make her bald instead? Just a thought.

Also, for young Nicola or anyone else who has young in their display name, I recommend for you to go to characters and for young Nicola, where it says display name, erase YOUNG, so that it’s just NICOLA.

“You’re gonna be next!” <- you are instead of your .

Also, where it says gunna, it should be gonna . Gonna comes from going to , however it’s fine to write and is used in informal English speech, I believe.

The Happy 18 birthday scene with the balloons looked so cool although everyone at the party looked like kids when they were adults. Maybe spot direct them a little taller?

The loading screen is really awesome although I recommend you re-upload it by fixing the “Mum Know’s Best” to “Mum Knows Best”

You added a period in some places where there shouldn’t have been a period.

“from an early age she has been told it’s normal” <- it is instead of its

“because she finds it as a way of comforting herself.” <- findsones isn’t a word

The one coin to start scene is pretty interesting.

Nicola: I wanna do something different with my hair today. <- the d in do shouldn’t be capitalized.

Lynne: “Don’t make me laugh” <- don’t instead of dont

Break down the following sentences into two separate speechbubbles and correct them:

Nicola: It’s really hot today, mum.

Nicola: That’s why I’m wearing it.

I really don’t know why but I have this strong dislike for that Halliee character.

When Nicola is talking to Martyn, the speechbubble is coming out of his mouth. I recommend fixing that by playing around with the speechbubble command. Can read more here: :thought_balloon: HOW TO: Spot direct Speech Bubble

When you’re doing the Great Gatsby quiz, I recommend timing the choices to add some spice.

Ugh, I really hate that Mariah girl, can’t believe she burnt Nicola a little with her cigarette : (

Nicola: Sorr y, I didn’t realize you were in here. <- were instead of was and remember to add a comma .

When Mariah asks about the eating disorder, the speechbubble is coming out of Nicola’s mouth. I recommend fixing that.

The cutting part made me pretty sad.

You’re a weirdo. <-it should be you’re (you + are) instead of your

“You think you’re so perfect” <- much better to write this.

Lynne Young should be Young Lynne unless Young is her last name and that’s what you meant. But as I already mentioned, just change the display name to Lynne only.

“apologized” <- it is spelled like this.

“But I wasn’t feeling very well, anyways.” <- better to write this for Nicola.

“Just don’t get me sick or else I’ll slap you.” Wow, this was a very interesting and funny line.

When you use the nickname Hay for her friend, the h in hay should be capitalized.

Oh ha ha, omg “I feel so bad because as soon as he saw Halliee, he ran a mile. DO NOT LAUGH.” <- this part was very funny.

When Halliee and Nicola are talking near the fountain, there are many grammatical errors present in their sentences.

Halliee: Was it something I sai d? <- much better to write this

Nicola: I’m gonna keep playing Episode. <- write it this way instead.

OK, overall, from what I read, I can say that it was interesting however I’d recommend a proof-reader to help you with your story and I recommend fixing some directing errors in your story as well. Great job :+1:

Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.

Kimballet's Review

First off, congratulations for writing and coding 28 chapters. That is an amazing accomplishment.

Grammar
However, there were a lot of things I think that could be improved. Largely, punctuation and grammar were off. I think other reviewers may give you a play by play of so I won’t go in to detail but in general, periods are needed at the ends of sentences and only the beginning (or proper nouns like names, days, countries) should be capitalized. Also I think you are using the wrong character for apostrophes (‘). Make sure they are facing the right way.

Story
I appreciated the warnings for the story because it is definitely a potentially triggering story.

However, I think there were too many author’s notes (as Narration) in the story. Let your story show things, not tell us too much.

Also, i think you may need to re-work the order and length of your chapters. For example, I think showing the normal mom and kid scene was illustrative of what “normal” looks like but it went on a bit long since they are not main characters. Also they are not needed after you reveal that they were not the main characters.

Also, the introduction of the rest of the family is a bit unclear. I’d rather be shown that Kristen is a “bad” sister, not told. Also it can just be a flashback, it doesn’t have to be because Nicola was looking at pictures since that seemed a bit contrived.

In general, the first chapter did not flow and the events were jumbled. I know that was on purpose with flashbacks and present day mixed but it’s not in the right order to make sense. It is confusing and not engaging enough to make the reader want to continue.

I’d recommend reading and watching other media with complicated, abusive mothers like White Oleander and Sharp Objects. I think (at least the beginning of your story) is a lot of abuse but I’m not really sure where the story was going. I’d suggest speeding it up by taking out unnecessary narration and scenes.

Overall, it’s a great start and congratulations on finishing your story! I’d suggest revamping it a little bit, but I can tell how much effort went into the story with the animations and directing.

Thank you to @kimballet for this review.

Lex2's Review

The intro of the story was really creative and fun to watch, but I also noticed a lot of grammar and spelling issues from the start. This was something that was consistent throughout all 3 of the episodes I completed, I would advise you to get someone proofread and help you with the grammar aspect of it.
I liked the fact that you were creative with making a new body type using the pregnancy attire. Your directing was great considering this is your first story. The story itself was honestly confusing and most of the scenes were sporadic. I think that you may have rushed through it because it has a lot of holes in the plot. For example, the stairs scene had me completely lost! Why wouldn’t he let her pass? Was he abusive? Who was he, and most importantly, why did she feel the need to tell her daughter that story? There were a lot of things that she shouldn’t have been discussing with her daughter. It could’ve went smoother if you would’ve showed the Mother’s point of view and her thoughts as well.

Thank you to @Lex2 for this review.

OreoBiscuit's Review

Episode 1 summary :
A few sentences did not make any sense as incorrect words were used an some words were written in the wrong tense. In the 1st scene, there was a really long pause where the MC was not doing any animation.
In the park scene, the speechbubbles was not facing the correct character (the nice mum) when she was speaking.
A lot of the @ commands were used where &'s could’ve been used which would’ve helped make the story move at a better pace instead of having to wait for the screen to zoom in at a slow speed before the story continued.
There were layering issues in the 18th birthday scene. For instance when the young MC moved to where her mum was standing, her layering should’ve changed into a number which was lower than those who were now standing in front of her.
The loading screen at the end of the episode doesn’t really serve any purpose.

Episode 2 summary :
There were more grammar mistakes
The first teacher’s name was literally BGwoman# (# meaning a number)
The bathroom didn’t make any sense. Although there were trigger warnings at the beginning of episode 1, I believe that you still could’ve given a warning before the girl who was smoking in the toilet started speaking as she mentioned a lot of topics that would trigger a lot of readers.
In that same scene, the MC ends up falling which didn’t make any sense. Did she trip or did she just randomly fall so that you could give us another flashback?
Please just end the episode instead of adding the loading screen. The image can be triggering for others and making us sit and wait for the screen to load whilst looking at the image only for the episode to end just seems really unnecessary. Especially as we see that same loading screen at the beginning of every episode.

Episode 3 summary :
There were still issues with grammar. The long pause when picking the choice to skip the episode or read it didn’t have to be so long especially as right after the long pause, you ask the same question again.
The episode ended a bit randomly.

Overall summary:
Every episode had grammar mistakes and the wrong words were used such as ‘am’ when it should’ve been ‘I’m’. The intro was creative however, that was the only positive thing throughout the whole 3 episodes. A good intro is good however, a well written story is better as it is what the reader is reading. This story mentions it being about awareness however no awareness was given through the episodes. What would be good is to maybe give encouraging quotes and maybe any advice to spread awareness and give a little info on where help can be found? There were a lot of flashbacks that just came out of nowhere in the story. Yes telling us that this is a flashback is okay but if it is not really having relevance to the scene, it doesn’t really need to be there. There story was at a decent length and there were choices which a lot of readers enjoy.

Thank you to @OreoBiscuit for this review.

Shona4b's Review

Overall Comment-
As the story starts, the use of overlays for intro was really good, efforts can be seen throughout on overlays and directions coding. Though there are few places where the spot direction could have been better. The narration was done nicely but there were many grammatical errors in the dialogues and narratives. There are a lot of scope for corrections and story can be more interactive with few efforts on grammar and a little on direction.

Thank you to @Shona4b for this review.

Simila100's Review
  • Almost immediately into the story, the intro took a while, so I was a little confused if it was going to continue or not. I’d suggest making it a bit shorter.
  • I don’t think it’s necessary to say you knew that readers like CC. Although that’s entirely up to you.
  • No punctuation at the ends of ALL sentences. This severely puts me off.
  • Same problem with the “ams” and “I’m” wording choice as everyone elses’ reviews.
  • 1 coin to insert? Alright, I’m really sorry but I just don’t understand the point of the intro, although it’s unique.
  • In the playground scene, it’s a little weird how the mom says she’ll eat the toes of the daughter.
  • It’d definitely help to use & with @ to help everything go smoother.
  • I couldn’t finish after the 5 fags part.
  • It’d be nice to have some music here and there.

OVERALL RATING: 2.5/10

Thank you to @Simila100 for this review.

xxLoveAaliyah's Review

Mum Knows Best

Episode 1

Grammar mistakes:

  • Right off the bat. I can see that you mistake Am for I’m. The difference between the two are: I’m is the contraction of “I am”, whereas am is simply the verb with no pronoun before it. How to use each words in a sentence: “ I’m going to write a story today.” “ Am I really afraid?”
  • Nicola says after CC “Thanks for helping create me! I guess this is the best am gunna get.” Hm. You have two spelling errors. Correct this to “Thanks for the with creating me! I guess this the best I’m going to get.” If you’re using ebonics/slang for “gunna” then carry on.
  • “1 coin to start.” Numbers under 100 should be spelled out. So, fix that “One coin to start.” However, it’s your prerogative.
  • You’re missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. Keep in mind that punctuation is important. Not only does it looks professional, but it makes your sentences complete.
  • You say “Before you carry on reading please be aware this” This should be “Before you carry on with reading, please be aware this -“ A dash will let us know that your sentence will carry on.
  • You say “Also I would like to add that if you think this is the definition of the story then am sorry to say your reading the wrong story.” Try this instead: “ Also, I would like to add that if you think this is the definition of a perfect family type story then I’m sorry to say that you’re reading the wrong story.”
  • Worker says “Here you go, if you fill them out then Ill look it up.” You need to add an apostrophe to “ I’ll.
  • Worker says “No not at all” This needs to be “No. Not at all.”
  • You spelled “decribe” It’s spelled ”describe.
  • Mother says “Love you too baby” This needs to be “Love you too, baby.”
  • In the park scene. The mother’s speech tail isn’t on her. You need to spot the speech-bubble tail on the right.
  • You spelled “beutful” This needs to be “beautiful” You spelled “braclet” this needs to be “bracelet”
  • It’s means it is.

Directing errors and feedback:

  • For the certain scene. Your overlay glitches. I would advise you to use the & instead of the @ symbol.
  • In the office scene you have too much panning. I would advise that you use @zoom on [spot] to % in [time] Replace the & with the @ symbol.
  • The overlay needs to be a bit bigger or the worker needs to be smaller. You can see her feet hanging out at the bottom.

Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.

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