✨ The Givers Club ✨

We have re-opened so feel free to request for a review :hibiscus:

1 Like

Hello @Astra639 just letting you know your reviews are out :slightly_smiling_face: :blob_hearts:

2 Likes

Thank you for the advice :blush: i will take it into consideration and fix up my chapters :revolving_hearts:
If i wanted to review my other story would that be possible?

2 Likes

No problem and of course! :blob_hearts: I saw your story says discontinued so that really worried me :sweat_smile:

2 Likes

Haha it’s just while I fix it up K don’t want people to waste there passes and my other story is called Attracting Danger :blush: Take your time and do it whenever no rush

Well i wish you much luck on your episode journey :nerd_face: :blob_hearts:

May you provide more details? Ex. Story Name, Author Name on the app, Genre, Story Description, Style, Current Chapters & Story Link, etc :heart:

1 Like

Hey story review request please!
Author Name: SRS
Story Title: Target
Genre & Style: Mystery & Limelight
Description: Your mom was murdered and you were belived to think is was innocent. Nothing more. However when murder cases start to appear in your new city, you know that you are his next target. Will you and Jace Carson be able to find out who is the murder in time or will you die with proof? Family secrets, lies, and betrayals awaits you.
CC, LI, Choice Matter

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5961930186752000

Cover:
Target_Hs_posterThumb_9pldVMRdcq

Of course :heart: Might have to wait a while though :sweat_smile: :blob_hearts:

1 Like

:blush: no worries!

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Yep so
Name: Attracting Danger
Author Name: Astra
Genre: Action
Description: What happens if your kidnapped for seeing a murder? How will you escape? Will you? Not your typical ending.
Style: Ink
Chapters: 5 about to be 6
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5208920661753856
Cover: I know there is a gun I have a new one being made for the large and small cover
image

Thank you :blob_sun:

1 Like

Our Reviews for the story Attracting Danger by @Luna1559 :icecream: :revolving_hearts:

Annieways' Review

First impression
I like your cover art but you will have to remove the gun in order to comply with the new guidelines. There’s a grammar mistake in the description: What happens if your you’re kidnapped for seeing a murder?

Characters
I kinda like Mila’s character, she is confident and able to stand up for herself. I was glad to see that she didn’t immediately fell in love with the gang leader, and she is not acting awkwardly either. I think Lorenzo’s personality fits his role, but at the same time he is still a decent human being meaning he’s not an a abusive a**hole, so I think you did a pretty good job with this.
The green haired guy looks an interesting character to me lol: “You can call me Papi.” I just chuckled, oh my God :smiley:

Plot
I have to say I’m not a fan of this theme, but I kind of enjoyed it, probably because of the characterization.

I can’t say I was surprised that MC got kidnapped at the end of the first episode, but I like that you end your chapters with cliffhangers. This was done pretty well in episode 2. I also liked how you continued this scene in episode 3, when it turned out that Mila was aiming for a target figure, and not for Lorenzo. However, I’m pretty sure you forgot to reset zoom after the shooting scene, because characters are cut in half.

Directing
The zooming issue what I just mentioned came up several times throughout the story, so make sure to preview everything on your phone. (There’s another example for this in the beginning of chapter 2).
I noticed that some speechbubbles were off too, but that’s possibly can be fixed after resetting the zooms.

In episode 1 the mom is popping up on screen in the bedroom where she is drinking. This happens to Lorenzo too in the beginning of chapter 3. Make sure to place your characters on screen before the transition and use & instead of @ for spot directing.

You have the same issue with transitions as in your previous story. You will need to end scenes with @transition fade out, and then after you set the new scene it should be @transition fade in.

Grammar, language
I’m not a native speaker, so I will leave it to Jem to correct all your grammar mistakes, I just want to mention a few things I noticed:

  • The verb you are looking for is lose - loose is rather used as an adjective
  • The difference between your and you’re - the first one is a possessive pronoun
  • “You kidnapped me for 3 months”. - To me this sentence didn’t come off as you probably intended, however I understand what you meant. You could maybe change it like this: “You kidnapped me 3 months ago.”/ “I’ve been here for 3 months.” (Also I think it looks better if you write “three” instead of 3, but that’s just my personal preference.)
  • I saw that you censored some words, but you missed the F word at the end of chapter 1 and at the beginning of chapter 2, so make sure to go back and check it.

Overall
As I already said I’m not a fan of these gang stories, but there’s obviously a large audience for it on Episode, so if you have your grammar checked and fix some directing errors, I’m sure the reads will come in eventually.

Thank you to @Annieways for this review.

JemU776's Review

My Review:

First of all, in your description, it should say:

“What happens if you’re kidnapped for seeing a murder?” ← you’re (you + are) not your

The “How will you escape? Will you?” line doesn’t make any sense.

“Will you escape? If so, how?”this makes more sense

The intro was pretty cool but it could flow a bit smoother.

When you’re on the flashback, Nina randomly pops out of thin air.

NINA: Breakfast is ready. I have to go to work. ← much better to separate these lines with a period.

MILA was a bit repetitive when she asked her mother why she’s doing this.

When Mila walks up to her mother who’s on the couch, her height looks very awkward.

You were missing a lot of question marks (?) throughout your episode.

MILA: Why can’t you get that in your hea d?There should be a question mark at the end of this.

MILA: I work my a*s off everyday… ← off , not of

NINA: I need time to grieve. Why don’t you get that? ← much better to write

“two years” as opposed to “2 years”

“As you hear her say those words, you immediately freeze and throw a glass on the floor” OR “As you heard her say those words, you immediately froze and threw a glass on the floor” - pick either the past tense or present tense and stick with it for this, don’t mix them.

You were missing commas sometimes.

In the hospital you used “too” when it should have been “to”

I like the filters you used for the flashbacks, very cool.

DOCTOR: Can you tell me his name? Also, how are you related to him? ← better to write this

Hmm, the doctor should ask more questions and oh man, poor Nina’s husband, I can tell from his injuries that he’s been through a lot of pain.

When you have a flashback of Nina, alone in her room drinking, she randomly pops up on screen (I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have teleportation).

When you’re talking about enjoying her presence, that line doesn’t make sense.

Remember to show, not tell.

Mila randomly pops up in her room and the transition occurs awkwardly.

Again, you’re missing a question mark in this scene and zoom in on Mila as she thinks. Actually, when you do zoom in on her, it’s strange as you get her head and a bunch of the background on top of her ( you don’t want that so zoom in on her in a way in which we see mainly her ).

“a** off” not “a** of”

You should have Mila stand screen center in her room instead of screen left so the focus is on her.

As the NARRATOR says “You walked out of the house angrily, not knowing where you were going.” you have Mila smiling as she walks.

Oh no, I can’t believe Mila followed the gunshot sound…

You will need to censor the f word because of the new guidelines that will take place on the 10th of October. Also, in the same sentence she says the f word, you are missing a question mark (a common issue in your whole episode).

OMG, I can’t believe she fainted?! If I was her, I would have bolted out of there. Also, Lorenzo gives me creepy vibes.

OK, overall, it seems interesting but there were a few directing errors such as characters popping up, zooming problems and spelling/grammar errors such as question marks missing as well as too much of the narrator speaking. Fix these issues and you should be good to go! Good luck <3

Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.

xxLoveAaliyah's Review

Attracting Danger.

Directing and Grammatical Errors.

  • The mom, I assume. She’s too big and it is obvious she isn’t sitting in the chair. Size her down and back a bit.
  • When you are zooming into the MC. The camera is way above her head. Bring the camera closer to her face to avoid that awkward shot.
  • The flashback scene. Characters pop in. To avoid them popping in. Write your scene using & instead of using the at symbol. After you placed all the characters then put your transition after.
  • You have food’s. That is incorrect it should be food only.
  • Not a huge deal, but because I’m picky. You should put the speech bubbles either under their mouth or closer to their face.
  • Mila does this weird levitate thing when waking up the mom. Use the @ symbol when making her walk over there. @MILA walks to 1.280 23 546 AND MILA is walk_neutral something like that.
  • This sentence doesn’t make sense and I will try my best to make it understandable. “Why are you doing this?” You can keep it simple.
  • When the characters are done talking, you should put them in an idle loop animation. (If Ink has that)
  • This sentence needs to be worded differently and it needs a question mark at the end. “Why can’t you get that through your head?”
  • Wrong word. “I work my a** off for you every day because you haven’t gone to work since dad died!”
  • I need time to grieve, why don’t you get that? A question mark and comma is needed here.
  • The camera angle was weird again.
  • To avoid the filer fading in while the scene is already up. Add a zero at the end of the command.
  • “Is there someone we can talk to. ” To is the correct word to use here.
  • Nina’s speech bubble is on the doctor.
  • “Can you tell me what his name is? Also, how are you related to him?” This is how you need to write it.
  • The mom pops into the screen. Write it this way. &MOM stands back left in zone 1 AND MOM faces right AND MOM is sip_cup_neutral
  • I’m not sure if English is your first language. I’m going to assume it’s not. But, a lot of sentence does not make sense. You’re also lacking punctuation.
  • Your transition looked like a fade-out instead of fade in.
  • The difference between of and off. A small English lesson. “Aaliyah, will you turn off the water?” “ Of course, I will turn off the water.”
  • Using transitions will make a story look put together, in my opinion

All errors listed above are from episode one.

  • Your spot directing needs a lot of work.
  • It looks like you used transitions fade out instead of transitions fade in. Make sure to check that.
  • The speech bubbles are on the left while Mila is facing the right. And, the camera isn’t on Mila. At least it isn’t centered.
  • Mila stills has the bat in her hand.
  • The camera is zoomed in awkward. It is becoming clear to me that you don’t look at the app to make sure everything is okay.
  • Mila is repeating herself over and over.
  • “The food is ready.** Use this instead.

All errors listed above are from episode two.

Personal comments.

I understand both the daughter and the mother is grieving over the loss of their husband and dad, but Mila is a bitch and a bit disrespectful. She throws a glass and then tells her mother to clean it? That’s disrespectful.

I’m not a doctor or even close to being one, but the scene felt like it lacked information. Two questions are not nearly enough.
It is a bit strange to walk outside in your underwear, at least where I’m from it is.
Show don’t tell. This will come a long way. Remember to censor the word fuck.

Overall comments.

To be frank, this story needs a lot of work. You have a lot of grammatical mistakes, a lot of directing mistakes, word formatting and structure is off. I would advise getting a proofreader because bad grammatical can put sometimes off. Your storyline seems to be underdeveloped and the same goes for the characters. This story can be better if you take time and develop it more. Personally, mafia stories aren’t for me so I can be a bit biased, but reading this story felt like reading every mafia story on the app.

Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.

4 Likes

Thank you for the reviews it really helps and yeah english isn’t my first language so i will find a way to get the grammar correct :slight_smile: Thank you so much again for putting the time and effort in to help me make my story better :sparkling_heart:

1 Like

Hey @Writer_SA just giving you a heads up that your reviews will be out at approx. 6 pm EST today on Saturday October 5 :+1: :blob_hearts:

1 Like

Ahhh, ok! Thanks for letting me know! :black_heart:

1 Like

Our Reviews for the story Target by @Writer_SA :icecream: :revolving_hearts:

Annieways' Review

First impression
I haven’t read much mystery lately so this is going to be a refreshing read to me. The cover looks nice.

Characters
Blair was a sympathic character, however I think you could work on the way you showcase her feelings and personality.
First of all, I noticed that she is talking to herself a lot. I think in these short scenes it would look much better if you used thought bubbles instead of speech bubbles. And sometimes narration would work the best: for example at the beginning of episode 1, I found it pretty weird that she told a story directly to the readers.

I liked the dad, he is definitely a caring person, but I think he did a few weird things too, but I will go into details later.
I read only the first 3 chapters so I don’t know much about the love interest, but he seems cool.

Plot
There were quite a few plot holes in the story, and a few other things I didn’t quite understand.

To start with, I wanted to know more about why the mum was murdered, but I hope it will be explained later. Regarding the dead body, I’m not sure how graphic you can be, but you may want to check this with the review team if you haven’t done it yet. Also, it was kinda random how you introduced this flashback scene. Before that, Blaire was talking about switching off the lights, and after the murder scene she cried for a second, and then she suddenly looked happy. Even if she moved on, I think she should look sad for a while when remembering this.

Another thing was when Blair mentioned that she already finished her studies, so she would look for a job, but the dad told her she didn’t need it, and I was like: why? Are they that rich? :sweat_smile: Since you put a lot of focus on the job in the story, I think it would make more sense if the dad just wished her good luck or something like that.

Then I didn’t understand when the friends just randomly appeared at their house late at night. Who let them in? Also, why was Blaire surprised when they mentioned the black rose? She heard that earlier on the news.

Later I guess I figured out who let the girls in, because dad knew about the complete stranger in her daughter’s room, but he decided not notify her about it… I would have freaked out as well, why did he do this? :scream:
I have so many questions.

Directing
What I noticed as a recurring directing error is that your transitions don’t look as they supposed to, so you should check them out. Also, make sure to put your characters into idle animations when they stopped talking.

Some other things you may want to fix:

  • At the dinner scene you forgot to cut to zone 1 after the dad asked if they had finished the meal.
  • I think you have a zooming issue at the beginning of episode 3, because I can’t see Blaire. I tried to close and reopen the app, but it didn’t resolve it. Yes, now dad enters, but I can’t see him either. You should probably reset the zoom.
  • In episode 3, Sherry is sliding in instead of walking into the kitchen.
  • In the mini game some customers randomly pop up on screen.

Grammar
Your sentences were easy to understand but I still think you should get the story checked by a proofreader. You have a lot of spelling errors, such as:

delcious - delicious
definatly - definitely
conversatin - conversation
resteraunt - restaurant
peircing - piercing
nesscary - necessary
competetion - competition
chocoalte - chocolate

Overall
I must admit I didn’t really got engaged with the story, but I think that’s mainly because of the unrealistic scenes and events.
I have to add that I’m that annoying person who wouldn’t let you watch a movie without making comments on every single plot hole, while I know that other people don’t necessarily care about this.

Think over if you have ideas how to work on this, but again, maybe it’s just me and other readers might not find this that distracting.

Thank you to @Annieways for this review.

JemU776's Review

My Review:

So, you give us an option to customize Blaire Miles, her mom, her dad and her sister Maya. Instead you should only give us an option to customize Blaire. Use this hack:

Twins & Family Members CC - Google Docs

to automatically change the mom and sister’s look while you place the father offscreen and customize him. You should also update the CC template (you can find an updated version of it on Dara’s website)

Link:

https://www.dara-amarie.com/limelight-female-customization

You already introduced us to Blaire but you introduce us again. I feel like some parts were just repeats.

Blaire is 26 and she is worried about forgetting to close the lights to the washroom? Hmm, interesting.

You had grammar mistakes such as commas in the wrong places.

“There we go!” ← we did it, the lights have been closed vs “There, we go!” ← let’s get going.

Thank you for the lesson on keeping our lights closed, Blaire.

You should use a filter for the flashback and it was kind of abrupt when it started.

You use normal positions a lot, try to spice up your story with spot direction (I have a tutorial on this on my IG warrior.gem that you can read over)

I would highly recommend for you to go over the usage of commas. You had commas in the wrong places sometimes while at other times, you were missing commas.

When the guy in the red skeleton outfit kills Blaire’s mom, the knife and blood overlay glitches for like a second.

BLAIRE: I heard screaming. It sounded like my mom. ← better to write

You don’t need to write “red blood” just “blood” is fine since pretty much everyone knows blood is red.

The blood is on top of her. Maybe position it behind her so it’s leaking out on the floor as well?

When the flashback is over, we are back to Blaire crying and then she smiles as she says “Well enough of the past.” which scared me since her mood changed in like a second. You should have her say it sadly.

You had some spelling mistakes in your story.

“started our lives again” ← it is “again” not “agian”

You’re having Blaire tell the story which is a bit awkward.

Blaire bumping into her father and falling was very strange and the directing was off. I’d recommend to re-do this scene.

DAD: Am I invisible? ← invisible, not invisable

She’s 26 years old and still looking for a job? Man, the world is so rough on her : (

So her father tells her she doesn’t need one? Hmm, I’m assuming they’re rich?

Blaire talks about not wanting her education to go to waste yet she applies for a waitress job which confused me.

Three commas instead of two.

Blaire is like me when I see sweets XD

When Blaire goes to talk to Luna for the interview, Luna randomly appears in a chair, sitting and so does Blaire.

Blaire’s shoe is sticking out under the desk.

It says I gained 2 points, which came out of nowhere and shocked me.

It’s spelled “delicious

DAD: Let’s watch a movie.

Let’s (let + us), not lets

Blaire and Maya were a little repetitive in this scene.

When the news came on, the reporter appeared out of nowhere.

especially” is spelled like this.

I understand the dad wants them to be safe but Blaire is an adult.

The ending part where Blaire assumed it’s the murderer threw me off.

So, at the end of the chapter you tell us that we can earn and lose points and that we should make good choices. You should include this at the beginning and go more into detail about the points system being used.

You mention that if a background belongs to someone they should let you know for credit. In my opinion, you should not use a background if you don’t know who to credit. Also when you download backgrounds from others, when you’re naming them, put the creator’s name (ex. EXT. FLOWERGRIEFER CRUISE)

It’s cool that we can check the points we gained.

Overall, there were errors that were distracting and the episode needs a revamp but despite that, I did enjoy and it has a lot of potentional. Great job! :heart:

Thank you to @JemU776 for this review.

MissRuby's Review

My Review of Target by SRS:

𝕋𝕒𝕣𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕓𝕪 𝕊ℝ𝕊
ℝ𝕖𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨 𝕓𝕪 𝕄𝕚𝕤𝕤ℝ𝕦𝕓𝕪 :blob_hearts:

𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖘𝖙 𝖎𝖒𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖓
I think that the cover looks good and fits the story. As for the description, maybe you should say: “Your monther was murdered” instead of “Mother = murdered”.

𝖕𝖑𝖔𝖙
:black_small_square:︎ The plot is interesting, it keeps me wondering what’s going to happen next. I love that in a story.
:black_small_square:︎ However, some scenes just dish out something that the reader should figure out themselves throughout the story.
:black_small_square:︎ There’s many plot holes, most of which are unrealistic events that are unlikely to happen in the real world. Here are some plot holes I’ve encountered:

  1. The mom screaming OMG when she hears the killer in her home. Like, you’re never going to hear a grown woman screaming OH-EM-GEE when she hears someone in her house.
  2. The mom treats her daughters as if they were 6 year olds. Maybe you should try and switch up some things to make them seem more like adults, not kids. For example when she said “Girls, it’s time to go to bed” and they responded with “But moooom!”, it seems like a conversation playing out between a mom and her 6 year old.

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖘
:black_small_square:︎ You did a good job portraying the characters and their personalities, but I do think you could improve on introducing the characters to the reader.
:black_small_square:︎ Also, a few characters look quite similar so you should change the appearances so no one gets confused. You should work on character diversity too, like different skin tones.

𝖉𝖎𝖗𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌

  • For the intro of your story, the reader message had a mistake. I think that you should credit them by their username, not their real name. If you just say Alexis, no one knows who you’re talking about. There’s hundreds of people on IG named Alexis.
  • When Blair entered for the CC, she suddenly got smaller when the customization choices appeared. You can fix that by copying the same spots used later on to the command where she enters.
  • I think it’s a waste of time to customize literally everyone. They’re probably not going to even have that huge of a role in the story for the reader to care enough about what they look like.
  • If you want to make your story more realistic by making the family of the MC look like her once she’s customized, check out this video.
  • I think it’s weird that everyone runs really fast and not normal speed. It’s also kinda strange that she was complaining and just casually brings up forgetting to turn the bathroom lights off.
  • I’ve noticed that your transitions look a little weird, at least not how they’re supposed to look. You should look into that to try and fix it.
  • When Blair’s dad kisses Blair’s mom on the cheek, the layers are messed up so it looks like he’s kissing thin air instead of his wife. Maybe try to put her dad on layer 1 and the mom on layer 2.

𝖌𝖗𝖆𝖒𝖒𝖆𝖗
Italic: Mistake
Bold: Correction

So much to do. Ughhh.
Ugh, I have so much to do.

Oh wait… shooooootttt.
Oh wait, shoot!

A 26 year old, who still forgets to close the lights to the washroom.
A 26 year old, who still forgets to turn off the washroom lights.

There, we go. It is important to close the lights everyone.
There we go. It’s important to turn off the lights, everyone!

And I didn’t know that was, the last time, I would see my mom.
Little did I know, that was the last time I would ever see my mom.

I also think that you should use contractions to make it more realistic because in the real world people use contractions more often.

I am - I’m
It is - It’s
We are - We’re

~

It’s awkward when she just says what’s happening as if she’s actually talking to someone instead of thinking. I don’t know if you understand what I mean, but here’s an example:

I finished getting ready for the party I’m going to tonight with my friends. :x:

I finished getting ready. :white_check_mark:

~

I’ve noticed that you have quite a few spelling errors, such as decious instead of delicious , resteraunt instead of restaurant and chocoalte instead of chocolate . Try to look into that or find a proof reader to fix your spelling errors.

~

Try not to use netspeaks (LOL, OMG, WTF) because you’re writing a story, not texting your friend.

~

It’s a little strange how she says stuff in different speech bubbles when it could all just fit in one speech bubble and make more sense. Examples:

Oh no. / Why? / It’s only one day. / Don’t cry. :x:

Oh no, why? It’s only one day, don’t cry. :white_check_mark:

𝖔𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖆𝖑𝖑
I honestly think you did pretty good. Your directing was all good except for the transition mistakes and some entering errors. But don’t be discouraged, practice makes perfect. :heart: :blob_sun:

Thank you to @rubywrites for this review.

xxLoveAaliyah's Review

Review:

Target by SRS.

Directing and Grammar:

  • A small tip for CC. You use the duplicate code. @MOM becomes MC and then you can change around a few things. Or add this inside of the CC label. That way we don’t have to cc a lot of characters.
  • But, Mom.” Needs a comma before mom and mom don’t need to be capitalized.
  • When addressing or talking to someone directly a comma goes before that name.
  • Yeah, goodnight!” You were missing a comma.
  • You should have the masked man stand closer to the mom when he slaps her.
  • The blood and knife overlay is on the top of the mother opposed to being under her. You put the knife overlay at layer 1 or 0 which the back. And, the mom at layer 2 which is the front.
  • You spelled invisible wrong.
  • Put the characters in an idle loop animation after they are done talking.
  • Glitchy overlays in the office scene. Use & & instead of the @ sign.
  • Blair feet are showing under the desk overlay. Size Blair a little smaller.
  • Characters look too far away from the door when they are opening it.
  • Camera isn’t on Maya when she’s speaking.
  • To avoid characters popping into place. Use & instead of the @

Thoughts.

The story felt all over the place. The characters were dull and lacked personality. Sometimes you would use commas in sentences that didn’t need commas, and other times you would be missing commas. The story needs work. It feels rushed and not thought through. You should also spot direct instead of using the basic commands as stands screen left. Trust me it would make or break a story. The episode was a great length, but because nothing was happening, it felt like a drag. I think you should maybe add a little more thought and development to your story especially the first episode.

Thank you to @LiyahxWrites for this review.

4 Likes

By the way, the reviews are posted a bit early :blob_sun:

1 Like

Hello! If you’re interested I’d love for you to read our story.
Title: The Proelium

Author: PinkCacti

CC: No character customization.

Style: Limelight

Genre: Fantasy/ Drama primarily. Some romance will be included in the future, although it will be limited.

Chapters: Currently 3, ongoing

Description: Societal disarray, a seemingly perfect world inside a dome, and an excruciating training school. Valerie Castillo has more than a few challenges to face. Let’s hope she can survive.

Instagram: pink__cacti

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6045585313693696

Cover: small%20cover

We hope you enjoy! :heartpulse:

Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreaciate them. I will for sure go and fix up those mistakes that were mentioned.

1 Like

Of course I’ve added you :heart: And @OreoBiscuit it won’t let me add you to our PM as it says the user is not accepting messages (something along that line) :sweat_smile:

@makxoxo1500 ofc we will check out your story this week and let you know our thoughts :revolving_hearts:

2 Likes