Okay… I have now read 3 chapters of your story.
Summary
I didn’t pay attention to your grammar at all. 
In your story there were a lot of scenes, where characters didn’t have a talking animation, even though they should have been speaking, and some talking animation ended too soon, when story continued. You could use talking animation after one another. Also I think there were some scenes, when both characters had looping talk animation, so they both seemed to be talking at the same time. 
I think your directing is pretty good, when you are moving characters around. You could have used more zooms to make scenes even more interesting to read. I really like that you had a lot of choices, and I like that your story is kind on light reading. If you know, what I mean. 
There were some layering problems too, I send ss of two of those when I get my phone.
Overall I think your story has a great potential to become even more entertaining, when you learn more. I’m still learning myself, and there are many things that I have already fixed and what I probably still have to fix in future in my own story!
