Hey babe, I have to be straightforward with you for this. I understand you might have worked really hard on this story, and as this is your first story you probably do not have as much experience in directing. Sorry to break it to you but, the first few lines were already boring enough to put me off. It was just descriptions. In episode it is important to show, not tell. Also when some of your characters are speaking, there’s no animation, which makes your story looks unprofessional. There’s so much to improve on, and I suggest you familiarise yourself with the donacode. It may be quite daunting frankly speaking, so watch YouTube like Joseph Evan’s channel, he has so many great tutorials on how to use the donacode.
Plot-wise, I think you need more depth. We want to feel connected to the character. Don’t just introduce the character all at once. Let us figure out slowly as the story progresses, or at least give some interesting backstory (and again don’t dump it all out on us). Make us love the main character and also the important side characters.
When your characters are speaking, I advise you not to add words such as “hehe”, “lol”, “haha” etc. It can come off as a cringe fest. There are animations there to show that the character is laughing. If you often have to find yourself using words to describe your character’s actions, try to replace with animations unless it absolutely necessary.