You can press enter to break up dialogue but sometimes itās better to have a completely different line written so that way you can have a more talking commands and it keeps your characterās mouth moving as the reader taps and reads, even if itās the same talking command a couple of times in a row (I wouldnāt have the same talking command more than 3 times)
for example in of having
LARA (talk_happy_smile)
This story was inspired by Delerium my favorite book.
Of course though, this story wonāt be exactly the same as the book.
have this:
LARA (talk_happy_smile)
This story was inspired by Delerium my favorite book.
LARA (talk_happy_smile)
Of course though, this story won't be exactly the same as the book.
that way her mouth wonāt stop moving as the reader is still imagining her talking.
Also your character customization brings you to this whole other page Iāve only seen that a couple other times before and it was with limelight howād you do this with ink?? 
kudos to you!
Also not a necessary change just me offering info if you care to change it but when you have āā and the sentence ends you put the period inside the quotation mark, not outside for example:
Then he whispered, āI like pineapples.ā
(period goes inside)
But!! Also, as someone who studies linguistics I know that written language was only created to reflect how we speak to give context so such a rule is really arbitrary. So long as you communicate ideas in a way that other fluent speakers understand (whether they pretend to or not bc letās be real we all know that one jerk). You can do as you please! Itās not as if itās an expository essay where youād probably want to do the written standard. But enough of my rant back to the review!! lol
Is Jane supposed to be black? I see she has the dreadlock updo. I would advise against cultural appropriation itās 2018ā¦
But otherwise ā¦the story you have is good so far. Iām interested in the plot and what exactly landed her in this situation of no feelings.
Again I would have Jack during his speech to her have another talking command so that his mouth is still moving while he is explaining how they added genetic material to her also you can always have a character (talk_neutral)
Also! I major in psychology and the Amygdala and frontal lobe also have a big role in emotions and emotional regulation so if want you can include that as well when the doctor talks about her brain functioning.
Also, if sounds donāt bother you I would suggest adding music or sounds such as heals clicking on the floor when Eliza walks etc. or whatever sounds you think would be good.
But you can add music by having for example:
music musice_daytimejazz
Ialos I would break up the dialogue when talking about the different Classes, I wouldnāt put Class C and Class B together. Iād also change to wording a bit and would instead have something like
NARRATOR
Class B is where the middle class lives.
Class C is where the poorest are forced to live.
Breaking up dialogue like this gives the words more impact. It makes the reader literally have to stop and focus on each piece of information separately.
Also Iād have [spoiler]
NARRATOR
I understand that you may think, āWhy do they allow two people of the same gender to be together?ā
āThey can fall in love too.ā
Also instead of saying that not allowed to be with āotherā (itās best to use other and not opposite as there are multiple genders and no true āopposites.ā) gender is for story purposes. You could say that they seperate society by gender with the exception of family in order to maintain the teachings of gender roles. Or something along those lines since it may be about forcing people into their ānichesā or āpre-determined rolesā if thatās what youāre going for.
[/spoiler]
Iām assuming Richard is her dad? you can make him look like her by either giving the reader the option to customize him or like for my story I have the family stand screen center in zone 3 at the beginning of the scene and have their skin tone and whatever features I want change as well when the reader chooses a certain choice. Though! youāre customization screen is different than what I usually code so Iām not sure how that would work. You may just want to give the reader the option to customize their family as well. But yeah Iād highly suggest doing that because when I look at him all I think of is this
for the car scene I would change
@CHARACTERMAIN faces right
@CHARACTERMAIN spot x.xxx xx -xx
@RICHARD spot x.xxx xxx -xx
if you need a more detailed example as to what the numbers can be you can also go to create, click on your story directing help and then spot helper and change between characters and move them around and then copy the position it says at the bottom left. You can also use this to change how tall the characters are too.
I donāt know if this was on purpose or not but I liked how the Dad didnāt even bother to hug his daughter goodbye. It really emphasizes how in the world, lack of expression of attachment is idealized
Overall: I really like your story so far! Iām interested to see where it goes and I really like the world building.
