Thorough Feedback and Tips

[clarkies]

I like the cover art! It already has me interested in the story and wondering what’s happening between these two characters.
I like the quote at the beginning! It immediately draws me in.
I’d break up the dialogue Isobel has by sentence. It allows the reader to have to focus and take in each piece of information. It also gives the words more weight and the dialogue a pace. Also instead of having a bunch exclamation marks I would choose only one of those sentences to have one. Personally I’d choose the second sentence to have the exclamation mark. Or I would choose the last two to have exclamation marks. Since it is a comedy I’m assuming the added emphasis is to set up a kind of ironic irony, where it’s funny because you see it coming because she explicitly says how she doesn’t want it to happen lol.
I’m laughing so hard at Rob’s thoughts! LOL
Though I would only have him do the idle_flirt_wink once instead of twice in a row. I’d have him maybe do the head_bob action then @pause for a beat then the flirt_wink or vice versa. But with the @pause for a beat in the middle so that the code allows for a moment of the other action to play out before immediately going to the next one.
You have an uncapitalized i in the dialogue God why do i do this to myself
but of course that’s a small thing and when it comes to grammar, writing is a tool to reflect what we say and at what pace we say it and as long as it does that then it’s fine. Boo to prescriptivism!

lol the bit about him not looking like his profile picture is funny

I’d suggest:
ISOBEL
(Hi, I’m Isobel. A 25 year old working every arts job I can find)
(To try and make a name for myself one of these day.)

Main point here ^ is the breaking up of dialogue again for flow purposes.
Also! There is no talk action when Rob says And you are stunning!
I’d maybe put another wink here for comedic effect. Just to like emphasize how cheesy he is. I think it’s good to repeat actions for comedic effect though something my teacher once taught me is the rule of 3s and that’s something if funnier when it’s done 3 times as opposed to just twice or as much as 4 or 5 times. 3 seems to always be the magical funny number so either 3 times in a row or 3 with each time dispersed separately here and there.

Lol and just as I type that we get to the 3rd wink! Sweet! Good job! You’re already ahead of me lol.
I’d suggest the laugh_chuckle instead, the other one seems like too much of an abrupt switch from the previous emotion exhausted.
Also I would say don’t remove Rob before the zoom reset and if the zoom reset was meant to be a the beginning of the next scene then have the background name and then a @transition fade in black in 2 and then put the @zoom reset
Also you can include sound having for example
sound phone_beep
so that way you won’t have to have the
NARRATOR
ding ding ding
Though, of course if sound bothers you then you don’t have to put it in your own story.
As far as when she responds to Finlay I think it would be best if she just has the “Sure, sounds fun.” part instead of the rest of the response too, it seems unnecessary

You can clean up the part where she changes into her pajamas by [spoiler] taking the spot she’s at when she says “sleep finally” and doing this
@ISOBEL walks to spot 1.280 150 0 in zone 2
@pan to zone 2
@ISOBEL starts dustoff_loop
@ISOBEL changes into Pajama Outfit Name
@pause for a beat
@ISOBEL starts yawn_bored
@ISOBEL walks to spot (numbers for spot she ends up at) in 3 AND ISOBEL does it while walk_rear
also instead of having her walk up on top of the bed and then lay down you can just cut out the walking part and have
@ISOBEL spot (spot she’s in when she’s laying down)
@ISOBEL starts lay_down
That might end up looking more natural than her walking up and standing on top of the bed before she lays down.

I’d maybe have “Hi, Mr. Monk. You called for me?” and “It was good. Thank you Mr. Monk.” instead unless you imagine this as her saying everything together and quickly
Alos make sure to include a talk_ action when she says “What can I help you with Mr. Monk?”
Also you have her do talk_exhausted when she’s having the thought (Why here!!..)
when instead you can have another non-talking action that way her lips don’t more when she she thinks, for example you could have idle_exhausted instead or any other action really, I know idle_exhausted doesn’t really quite do exhaution the way the dialogue one does.
Also if you want have the boss and Isobel eyeroll at the same time you can use & instead of @ that way they do it together. Though sometimes having characters do the same thing at the same time can be a bit tricky so you might have to have one character have @ and the next have & or vice versa.
I’d word “I guess I wasn’t to know!” differently. I’m not really sure exactly what she’s trying to say?

Also last line…
To defeat! The HUNNNNS!!! HUAH lol
Overall: I really liked your story! I thought it was funny and cute and I’m interested to see where working with this guy will go. Generally I would use less exclamation points. I find that when exclamation points are used a lot they tend to lose their impact. But your story was good and I can’t wait to read more!

[clarkies]

That’s good to hear!

[Gracex]

Hey Clarkies,

Thank you so much for your review! I am going to make those changes now!!

It all makes perfect sense once someone else points it out

Thanks so much again and fingers crossed others have a positive reaction too. Im rank #3210 at the moment! Sad times! At least I do it for fun Grace x

[clarkies]

Hey that’s not a bad thing! It’s really hard to get views. Good luck and I know your story will only continue to get more and more popular! :))))

[clarkies]

I really like your cover! Also from the very start the music draws me in and makes me even more interested as to what’s about to happen.

For the title of chapter one if it is referring to a specific meeting like a named event or something then I think The First Meet is fine because for example like the first soccer game is usually referred to as “The First Meet” but if you are referring to the first time she meet him, and it’s not at a general scheduled meeting and it’s just the first time they happen to meet each other. I would rename it “The First Meeting” or maybe “The First Encounter”

Having him run around on the roof like that is really cool! Good Directing skills!!

Also if it’s a real quote I’m not sure about what Episode’s guidelines are as far as that so I would check up on that just incase to make sure it’s okay use that much. Like for example I know when it comes to songs we can only use like a couple lines max or something so I’m not sure how the rules are for quoting another book. Though of course if it’s something old like Shakespeare, Chaucer, Homer, Edmond Rostand etc. Then it should be fine. Because those are so old it’s considered public domain and can’t be copyrighted.
You do a really good job of building suspense!!
Maybe “He saw me. Now he’s headed this way.” instead of saying “He found me” unless he was already looking for her before he spotter her. Though if he has been looking for her you could have something like her idle_terrified and have (Oh god that’s him.)
Also I’d have “What was worse, he seemed angry” instead of “What was the worst, he seemed to be pretty aggressive” for couple of reasons. I think “What was worse” might be a more common phrase and work better because saying something is “the worst” is usually used in present tense like “This is the worst.” “That’s the worst.” and also using that kind of seems out of place with the rest of the writing style. Secondly, having “he seemed to be pretty aggressive” now that I’m looking at it again it could work but I suggest changing it just because I feel like it implies that she’s already seen him do something aggressive.
Again, your directing skills are really good! It looks very natural and flows well. Good job!!
I would suggest “-- human beings couldn’t have such looks, or move like that.” but definitly " either such looks or such a look but I feel as though “such a look” would maybe refer to an expression he’s making rather than his whole look with the pale skin, pale eyes, silver hair.
And what time period is this supposed to be? If it’s supposed to be modern I would suggest changing the way she speaks to a more modern way. I can get if you’re trying to make her sound “dignified” maybe but there are ways to do that and still give her a modern syntax. I find the way she speaks to be unimmersing. If you want an example of like old timey speak syntax I would suggest reading The Ruby Tiara, Wincy does a really good job of showing her characters are from another era without making them sound too kind of exaggerated I guess is the word? Sorry I’m not trying to be mean your writing is generally really good! I just can’t think of another way to describe how the dialogue can come off at certain times.
And if it is supposed to be modern and she’s just supposed to sound more “dignified” then I would just give her the typical grammar and syntax of a modern person but then maybe incorporate larger and more latin and greek derived words since those words are typically associated with having an education. (but that’s only of course because English is a Germanic language. Ever since England was invaded by Normandy who spoke French, a latin language. Latin was given an esteem so words that we aren’t likely to use in everyday conversation, i. e. latin and greek derived words, were only really exposed to English speakers through school where they emphasized sounding more “dignified (latin)”
If it’s supposed to be old timey I would suggest “I could sense that he was of danger to me.” If it’s supposed to be modern I would suggest “Every single one of my sense were telling me to run. His presence alone evoked nothing but alarm from me to even the most primal level.” But I would generally take out the all caps because 1. There are a lot of people that are very sensitive to all caps and when they read it can sometimes sound like very very loud screaming in their head and can make reading unenjoyable. 2. All caps, like having a lot of exclamation marks can lose it’s impact very easily. It’s because it’s kind of like giving the reader an obvious hint like “Hey pay attention to this!!! Feel this!!!” In a way that kind of tells them to rather than naturally evoking the feeling out of them and doing so in way that makes them feel it rather than tells them to feel it. That’s why a lot of exclamation points and a lot of all caps are usually seen in humor more than in general literature.
Also maybe instead of “I want to run. But I found it was impossible. I was too scared to move.” I would change it something like “My body felt as rigid as stone. I was paralyzed in fear,” that way you immerse the reader in the physical and emotional feeling of being scared rather than like telling them. I find often it’s best to make people come up with the emotion first themself by describing the body’s natural reaction of the emotion. But if you want to keep what you have I would also suggest maybe having “I wanted to run” instead of “I want to run” I want to run is present tense while the rest is in past tense. Accidentally tense changing can happen sometimes so make sure you watch out for that! Though also of course I can’t backspace through dialogue so if it was “I wanted to run.” my bad lol.
I like the pauses for a beat before the “But I couldn’t” it builds up fear, very nice!
Also I’d have “It was as though some force has taken control of my mouth and tongue.” or “It was as if some force had taken control of my mouth and tongue.” Also this might be a good point to practice immersing the reader in the physical feeling here. Like does she feel like it’s so restrictive she can barely breath? If so describe that in details without explicitly saying that. Or maybe it feels paralyzed? If so describe that, are her muscles taut, does her jaw feel stuck? Maybe her tongue feels heavy in her mouth? (because the muscle is so tense) etc. But a good way to practice coming up with descriptions for feeling is to actually evoke the feeling or act out the feeling yourself and then just describe what it physically feels like.
Also will we ever have a chance to customize Sucia? I think that would be nice and if she has a love interest later on it’d be cool if we could customize them as well. There are a lot of character customization templates out there that you can use and insert into the story if you don’t know how to to that. It’s not as hard as it seems and I think in one of my previous reviews I linked to one.
Maybe
“No. It wasn’t a smile.”
“But rather the face of a predator who was finally poised over it’s target.”
“Ready for the kill”
instead
Also maybe “I fell unconscious” instead of I went. That way it evokes the feeling of how much she couldn’t help the fact that it happened. Just like falling it was against her will and completely without her control.
Also I’d say
“I wasn’t sure how long I had been passed out.”
“My body felt stiff all over.”
@pause for a beat
“I feel neither dead or alive.”
@pause for a beat
@pause for a beat
@pause for a beat
“I struggled to open my eyes.”
Also “Where am I?” instead of “Where is this place.” what you have now brings reader focus to the place where as if I had just been kidnapped my initial focus when I just wake up would be me. My self preservation, my location. Where am I? Rather than curiosity of the place I’m in. Like do you see how they both basically mean the same thing but rather one focuses on the state of the character rather than the state at which the character is in (as in the environment). Or in other words, I think the natural reaction is the body and mind focusing on the self first when in danger and then taking in and questioning the environment.
How does the air feel gloomy? Describe it. What’s cold feel like? Like needles on skin, Like mint? Being in ice? etc. Though I think here just having cold if you want is fine too though. I feel like cold is a strong enough word to still be immersive.
“What am I doing inside of a jail?” again just be careful to make sure the dialogue sounds her thoughts rather than you telling the reader.
“How am I alive?”
@pause for a beat
“I’m not even hurt.”
“Why am I alive” makes it sounds like she didn’t want to be alive and is like tf??? lol
“I thought he was going to hurt me.” She should be wary of the idea of vampires that’s not something someone would just accept right away to the point of wondering why they weren’t eaten. I think you should build up to her accepting that he’s a vampire first. I think that’d feel more natural as to how you’d expect someone to react in real life to that situation.
Again “Are my parents okay??” Sounds more like a thought one would have than “Wouldn’t he have done something to my parents”

I’m going to stop suggesting dialogue revisions now. You should try these skills out for yourself. Hopefully I’ve given you enough information to see my points. It’s now up to you to practice these things on your own. Practicing these skills of describing something like an idea of a feeling into something opposite of an idea, something hard and physical. To make thoughts one has when scared centered around the “I” and “Me” first then others then environment. To practice making a character sound “dignified” or sound as though they are from another era. Those are all things you should practice that will help you to expand your writing skills and to challenge yourself to think of writing in a way you might not have before. Writing is heavily psychological and sometimes trying to imagine what others may think and feel is hard so the best bet is to be aware of the thoughts you naturally have. Take note of what person they’re in (as in first person - I,we, me,us, our, second person - you, your, or third, person - he, she, it, them, they)
Take note of when you use those and in what situations and which thoughts come first?
Also generally make sure you go through and check your tense for example you have “Don’t you human speak English” when you might mean “Don’t you humans speak English?” or “Don’t you humen speak English?”
Also instead of having her immediately assume that she’s in another world have her maybe think? How she’s never heard of the place before. Having her immediately wonder if she’s in another world I think kind of shows she has, what I call, author insight. Meaning since she is written by the author she is more likely to jump to conclusions with little evidence that a typical person would not. But she will be right in all of her assumptions because of course, the author knows and is giving her this insight. It’s unimersive and kind of reminds the reader like hey wait! There’s someone behind this curtain! (Wizard of Oz. reference)

Also fear is a collective. Just like people, or food, happy. So I’d have fear instead of fears. Unless of course you mean to tell the reader that she is thinking of the specific fears she listed before and is not generally just experiencing the feeling of fear.

I would suggest idle_lay_exhausted or another similar action to keep the emotion on her face after he scoffs instead of just having her sit. Because the look on her face when she sits isn’t one of fear or uneasiness but like content. Which just doesn’t match the current mood. I know it can be hard to keep emotion on a characters face with the limited options episode provides but trying out different ones than what you would imagine (like her laying versus you imagining her sitting) is good to do sometimes for the sake of keeping mood. Also you can use @zoom in on spot xxx xx to xxx% in 0 to kind of make the reader imagine what you want when episode won’t let it actually look that way.

Also even though all of your characters are supposed to be pale poc can be pale as well. Like I’d say the pale of Rosewood is Mocha and the pale of Sabe is Dark and the pale of Umber is Honey and the Pale of Taupe is tan. Make sure to include more poc in your story because 1. Every story should have diversity. The main point of Episode is so that people can see themselves in stories. So it’s important to provide this. 2. Diversity, everywhere, is always realistic. 3. Even if you don’t think it’s realistic, it’s an imagined world and as the author you decide how diverse your worlds of creation are.

Overall: Your directing and editing is really good! Your command of the camera is phenomenal!! Though I think you should add character customization for the main character. As well as moving forward having more poc characters. And not just in the background but as main characters as well and not as stereotypes either. Be careful to avoid stereotypes like “Black scary guard” or “Black person with no goals or characterization of their own who is convenient for MC and there goals” etc. Also don’t just include black people, include Asian, Latinx (who are racially indigenous/ may be mixed with indigenous and black and/or white) as well! I also would just challenge you to work on the dialogue a bit. Try reading it out loud, does it feel natural to say? How would you naturally say it? Also maybe adding more background music too would help with mood setting and immersion.

[akasha]

Hi! I’d love to hear your thoughts on my story:

Title: Hearts Reunited
Genre: Drama
Description: When a shadow from the past comes back into her life, will two hearts reunite or will his secrets destroy her life?
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5170974459297792
Especially want comments on: I’d like to know if the plot keeps you interested, if it makes you want to keep reading.

Thank you so much for doing this!

[axoravenwolf]

Thank you so, so much @clarkies! I just started about a week ago so I couldn’t figure out how to do certain things like zoom but your tips have given me the direction I needed. I also love the suggestion to make my writing more from her perspective instead of explaining things. If it’s okay I’m going to get to work on some of those things and then come back and ask you to take another look. Thank you again I appreciate you so much!

[Castino]

Omg can I say I was shook and moved by this long post? Your suggestions are so detailed and constructive, I learned a lot! Thank you so so much! I love all the ideas you changed the script, will revamp the story according to these​:heart:

[KittyKoala]

Hey, I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story.
Title: Lana’s Love
Genre: Romance, Fantasy
Description: Lana is beautiful but her insecurities rule her life. Can he change that; even with the secrets he’s forced to keep?
Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6072010427072512
Especially want comments on: Anything you notice.
Thank you

[TheSunflowerQueen]

Hi! I’d love it if you could give my story a read.

Title: Diary of a Middle School Teacher

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Description: Mia moves to her uncle’s hacienda in Mexico to teach English at a bilingual middle school. But an old crush, her students, and two mysterious families complicate everything.

Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/56213306245120001

Especially want comments on: Character development and plotline

[clarkies]

I like the cover it’s well edited!
I’m literally being blown away by your amazing directing right now!!!
The overlays, custom backgrounds, the part where she picks up the paper, the clock overlay
This is literally so amazing. I wish I had the editing skills to get overlays like this in my own story! You are really really good!
I like the name Alora!
I like the background sounds though I also think you should include background music at least starting at the scene where she meets her mom
I think you should include a customization for Alora. You can have the family members change as well to match her in the ways you want or to get certain features based off of other features the reader choose. Though, I’m assuming you already know how to do this but if not just ask and I’ll be glad to show you how!
leak your background and overlay tips and sources
I’d have “She wants to meet for coffee” rather than “She wants to meet for a coffee”
and Mrs**.**D rather and Mrs D
But as I always say, the written standard is bull, so do as you please! I just wanted to highlight that incase it’s something you do want to change and didn’t catch.

Okay the scene of her decorating her apartment like the…how?? OMG This is some of the best directing I’ve ever seen tbh.
Also I know that adding customization may mess up the picture scene but it would still be worth it. The entire point of episode and something that sets is it apart from a lot of other apps is that it allows you to place yourself in the stories your reading. It helps for immersion and to keep reader attention as well. Also a simple fix for the picture scene would be to have pictures of the places and just a picture of the fried by herself or when you do the zoom in of the pictures have a body double that’s already acted out the action as you fade in screen. Or if the character is still moving while you’re fading in, you could try putting 3 picture frames in one background and just @cut to zone 1 with the first frame of a character you made. Meanwhile the custom characters are doing their actions and coming to a pause in zones 2 and 3 then you can either @pan or @cut to the next zones after the dialogue is complete about the picture.
I would have
The family you get**:** brothers, sisters, mom, etc
And the family you choose**:**
or
The family you get are brothers, sisters, mom etc.
And the family you choose is
mainly I just wanted to highlight the inclusion of the copula (the “to be” verb) here.

Also for the dressing game you can have it so that when the reader clicks on the outfit name a yes or no comes up that way you can have more outfit options at a time as well as make it easier for readers who may have memory issues so they don’t have to keep clicking to watch all of the outfits again.
Here is an example of how to do this from one of my stories:
label dressinggame_3
CASSANDRA (think)
(What should I wear today?)

choice (Eps5Outfit)
CASSANDRA (think)
Cheerful

“Moon Gazer” {
@CASSANDRA exits right
@CASSANDRA changes into Cas Moon
@CASSANDRA enters from right to spot .462 258 310

    CASSANDRA (talk_happy_smile)
Space Bi for the win

} “Sword” {
@CASSANDRA exits right
@CASSANDRA changes into Sword
@CASSANDRA enters from right to spot .462 258 310

    CASSANDRA (primp)
This is pretty bad*ss

} “Love Locked” {
@CASSANDRA exits right
@CASSANDRA changes into Cas Cobalt Blue
@CASSANDRA enters from right to spot .462 258 310

    CASSANDRA (think)
This is really cute.

}

    NARRATOR
Do you want to wear this outfit?

choice
“No” {
CASSANDRA (talk_neutral)
Maybe I should try on something else.

redo dressinggame_3

} “Yes” {
CASSANDRA (talk_happy_smile)
This is just so cute.
}
Also I’m just going to add in a quick example of having a family change too based on the character:
@KING KROSER stands screen center in zone 3
@QUEEN DIATONIA stands screen center in zone 3
@PRINCE DAITON stands screen center in zone 3
@KING ABADIYA stands screen center in zone 3

&CASSANDRA enters from left to screen center
NARRATOR
You are princess Cassandra of Zaretrensa.

label avatar_0

@zoom reset
@CASSANDRA starts think
@speechbubble reset

    NARRATOR
So, Cassandra, what's your look?

choice
“Skin Tone” {
goto bodyColor_0
}“Hair” {
goto hair_0
}“Eyes” {
goto eyes_0
}“Eyebrows” {
goto brows_0
}“Face Shape”{
goto face_0
}“Nose” {
goto nose_0
}“Mouth” {
goto mouth_0
}“This is perfect!” {
goto avatar_end
}

label bodyColor_0
@CASSANDRA starts idle_happy
@zoom on 215 0 to 110% in 0
NARRATOR
What skin color would you like?
choice
“White” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into White
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into White
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Ivory” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Ivory
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Ivory
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Porcelain” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Porcelain
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Porcelain
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Light Ocre” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Light Ocre
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Light Ocre
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Dune” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Dune
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Dune
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Beige” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Beige
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Beige
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Fair” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Fair
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Fair
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Light”{
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Light
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Light
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Blush
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Peach” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Peach
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Peach
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Tan
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Blush
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Tan” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Tan
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Tan
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Olive
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Olive
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Olive
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Olive” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Olive
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Olive
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Caramel
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Caramel
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Caramel
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Caramel” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Caramel
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Caramel
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Honey
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Honey
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Honey
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_0
}“Next Page >>”{
goto bodyColor_1
}“This looks good!”{
@CASSANDRA starts flirt_wink
goto avatar_0
}

label bodyColor_1
@CASSANDRA starts idle_happy
@zoom on 215 0 to 110% in 0
NARRATOR
What skin color would you like?
choice
“Honey” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Honey
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Honey
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Taupe
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Taupe
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Taupe
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_1
}“Taupe” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Taupe
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Taupe
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Toffee
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Toffee
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Toffee
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Terracotta
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Terracotta
goto bodyColor_1
}“Toffee” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Toffee
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Toffee
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Umber
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Umber
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Umber
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Taupe
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Taupe
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Taupe
goto bodyColor_1
}“Umber” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Umber
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Toffee
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Umber
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Umber
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Umber
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Taupe
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Taupe
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Taupe
goto bodyColor_1
}“Mocha” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Mocha
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Mocha
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Mocha
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Rosewood
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Rosewood
goto bodyColor_1
}“Dark” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Dark
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Dark
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Mocha
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Rosewood
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Rosewood
goto bodyColor_1
}“Rosewood” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Rosewood
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Rosewood
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Chestnut
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Chestnut
goto bodyColor_1
}“Chestnut” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Sable
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Sable
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Sable
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Rosewood
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Chestnut
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Chestnut
goto bodyColor_1
}“Sable” {
@CASSANDRA changes bodyColor into Sable
@KING KROSER changes bodyColor into Sable
@QUEEN DIATONIA changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@PRINCE DAITON changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@KING ABADIYA changes bodyColor into Chestnut
@KING KROSER changes mouthColor into Sable
@PRINCE DAITON changes mouthColor into Chestnut
@KING ABADIYA changes mouthColor into Chestnut
goto bodyColor_1
}"<< Previous Page"{
goto bodyColor_0
}“This looks good!”{
@CASSANDRA starts flirt_wink
goto avatar_0
}

check out the template here
You can also have fun with this concept and give the parents older versions of the features the reader chooses too! As well as give a whole family natural hair etc.

The scene where you introduce the guy is really cool!! I really liked the fade of the car overlay! However viewing it on mobile the top of his head it cut off bc he’s out of screen a bit.

Also letting the reader customize him will also help as far as reader immersion. Everyone has different types.

Dude. I’m really hoping you have an insta somewhere with a linktree to a google doc file of all your overlays and backgrounds because watching your story is a dream.

[clarkies]

I liked this story more for your directing than I did for the plot if I’m being honest. I think more music as well as creating suspense with scenes between the monotonous ones will help. For example if you had a scene of the mystery guy before he sees her of him maybe having like a really shady conversation with someone. Basically when you foreshadow to conflict that the main character isn’t aware of yet without giving away the answers/solutions away yet but just enough information to keep the reader wondering, the will help with attention keeping. As well as a bit more information on why she’s moving back, why she moved in the first place. Like it’s stated it’s related to her career but she can do that anywhere. Was she trying to escape from something back home? Like maybe her bad break up with her ex?

[clarkies]

I really like the background you have at the intro!

This part is in spoiler because I do not want my personal opinion on this to dissuade anyone else from reading and checking out your story.
I honestly don’t like the original format. I’m very much a visual kind of person and I just don’t personally like the art style of the original format. I prefer ink to it. But! That being said. At the end of the day this is your story and you can still tell a great story regardless of the format. So use any format you like best! Because at the end of the day your story should be something that you enjoy.
I would have “may assume” instead of “would assume” having would implies that everyone thinks the same which isn’t true while “may” which is usually used with assume just implies that “you are likely to come to this conclusion” but also that’s not a big deal so how you have it is fine too.
I would have the pan to zone 2 be slower. You can do this by having
@pan to zone 2 in x
x being the number of seconds.
For example one would have
@pan to zone 2 in 4
Also I would add character customization you can use this template here
Also look at my review for Hearts Reunited to see an example of how to change family too.
Though! I’m not sure how the format for original is but I assume it’s the same as ink and ll just a different art style?
I would suggest generally breaking up the dialogue a bit more and maybe have

             NARRATOR (CHARACTER)
     My father finds companies that are dying financially.
     Buys them, and fixes them up
     Making them more profitable.
     Kind of like how some people buy decrepit houses and flip them.
     The last company he fixed up he sold for 100 million.
     It's unbelievable that just one man can make that much money.

Here breaking up the dialogue allows the reader to focus on one piece of information at a time. This makes it more likely that the reader will remember it in the long run. It also helps create a pace for the reader imagining the character speaking. Also notice how I used the word decrepit. That word evokes a strong image in the mind of the reader. It’s good to find words like this and use them to describe your nouns or verbs. It will interest the reader more because you are using words with heavy imagery associated with it. Also notice the change I made from “It’s unbel-i-evable!” I would suggest the change I made because I think depending on your audience they may here something like the line I suggested more while the other line seems more like it’s kind of trying to evoke the feeling the character’s shock in way that has been taken from how people generally speak and used in comedy. Meaning, like though people used to say that to add emphasis I think in writing it’s best not to do it just because adding emphasis through pausing in words like that has kind of become a trope comedians have taken. Therefore, it’s been more associated with comedy now and your readers may not take it as seriously as a line that doesn’t have that. Same with be-a-tiful and looove. Though if you do really want to keep it I would suggest having it be like “un-be-lievable” that’s how I imagine people breaking the word up for emphasis more so than how you currently have it.
Also you have SummerBridge instead of Summer Bridge, I’m not sure if this is on purpose or not
I see you have the dialogue broken up more this is really good! I like the pace of it!
I like that you used the word “cope” instead of “deal,” cope is a much stronger and more impactful word. So good job!
Though I know the main character is breaking the fourth wall through narration (meaning it is as if she is directly speaking to the reader) I do still feel that sometimes it is a bit on the nose. Which means that at times it “tells” the reader rather than having the reader “understand.”
For example when you have her say that she has really bad anxiety but she has learned to mask it with confidence, maybe instead of having the part where she says specifically that she “masks it with confidence” I would have something that tells the reader that’s what she does without her kind of spoon feeding the information to the reader. So I would write something like " Being around them really messes with my anxiety. Though I’ve learned to make myself seem confident instead."
Also having her immediately cry after the girl leaves I think is a bit too much of a drastic mood change. She’s learned how to fake confidence even when she doesn’t feel it all so maybe having her just take a deep breath or or going to the bathroom first after a thought like “I just need to get out of here” and then have her cry would be better. Though I think honestly the crying should only be included if you have the reader here the conversation meanwhile stopping the narration. Maybe the girl says some stuff to her about her family just now being rich instead of being born rich. Maybe she points out an insecurity that Lana has and then Lana tries to act confident about it only to end up crying sometime later.
Also I’d have “due to tossing and turning all of the night before” instead. That way the reader knows she’s lacking sleep without you having to explicitly say that. What you have now I find to be a bit on the nose, like I described before. Generally making these changes will help the reader understand the emotions from the actions because we all have similar actions ourselves and sometimes specific actions occur with specific forms of an emotion. Think of emotions like colors. Colors have different shades and sometimes it’s more impactful to describe the shade of the color rather than just the color itself. So to do that with emotion I find describing the action will bring the reader to a specific instance of feeling that emotion, making it more impactful for them rather than just saying things straight out.
Also I don’t if it’s just that I may not fit your audience (age wise) but some of the language I find to be a bit strange for their age? For example “superduperly”
If you are a younger writer and want an older audience I would suggest trying to use words that fit the different linguistic culture that older people have rather than your own age group. But! If you are younger want your story to be for people around your age then I say keep it! But maybe think about making the ages of your characters younger as well.
I would suggest a period after she says I am sooo relieved it’s you**.**
“bitcha Elyssa”

I would have them switch positions on the hug. For example I think Clyde should be facing camera and Lana should have her back to the camera. I think that would make more sense based on that he was sitting. If you don’t know how to do this you’re on the website writing your story, under the preview you will see a list of of things and one of those things are templates. You can click that and choose which chracter is on what side for a hug. I think Lana would be the left character and Clyde the right. Lana would be hug_rear while Clyde would be hug
Does she say shellfish on purpose?
I would definitely suggest having more diversity amongst the main characters.

Lana describes the new boy though she does not look at him. I’d suggest her turning around briefly just to communicate to the reader that she has seen him

I would suggest “use my anxiety against me. Just to get me to do what he wants” instead of what you have because, at least to me, the other line doesn’t sound like what someone would naturally say, rather it sounds like a books summary of what is happening? I don’t know if I translated that from my thoughts well. But what I mean is that typically people speak and think from the “I, me, we, us”
first before they talk about anything else. So having the character focus on the self first typically comes off as more realistic than anything else unless they are specifically currently watching and describing someone else.
I would have “And love you” instead of “And you love”
Sometimes the characters aren’t speaking when there is dialogue make sure you have actions that start with “talk_”

Hey I’m going to be honest. This review won’t be as detailed as others. The original art style literally causes me discomfort. It’s the same sensation as if someone were constantly scratching down a chalkboard. It just makes me uncomfortable. I’m really really sorry but I think someone else might do a better job of giving you a review than I can. I’m just too uncomfortable to continue. I hope what I have given you so far helps.

[akasha]

Oh my gosh, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a detailed review! It’s amazing that you’re willing to do this for us and I hope you know how much we appreciate it!

Regarding the customization, honestly I thought about adding it a lot before publishing this story. I was close to adding a customization script, but it just didn’t feel right because I want to tell this story the way I envision it. Of course I do understand what you’re saying and I’m aware that some people might stop reading because they can’t customize the main characters. But if I do let the reader customize, I feel like I lose a part of my story. If I’m going to write another story I will probably add CC but for this one in particular it’s too important for me to leave the characters as I created them. Another reason would be that I like to use body parts overlays (unfortunately I don’t have time to do it as often as I’d wish, but I did it a few times up until episode 9). And I can only do that if the characters look the same for every reader. I hope that makes sense.

You’re also right about the dressing game, I‘m not happy with the way I wrote it for the first episode either. I guess it was an experiment, as an alternative for the classic way. Starting with episode 2, I’ve been using the method you mentioned (because it allows me to remember the choice as well). I honestly forgot I’ve done it this way in the first chapter, so thank you for pointing it out, I will change it!

There are a lot of details that I would’ve liked to include in episode 1, but I felt that it would’ve been too much information for just one episode. I try to reveal more details with each episode.
I’m sorry to hear his head is cut off in that scene, I did test it on my phone but I didn’t think this issue might occure on smaller screens. I will go back and fix that, thank you!

I’ll also add more music in chapter one!

Thank you so much for your beautiful words! And for all your pointers, I will take them all into consideration! I do have some of the backgrounds and overlays uploaded on Google drive (my instagram is @episode.akasha if you want to check them out). And if there are any that you liked and can’t find on my drive, I’d be happy to send them to you!

Thank you again for this! It is such a helpful review!

[KittyKoala]

It’s fine! Thank you so much, you have given me a very detailed review and I really appreciate it!

[clarkies]

Ooh! I see you named your story Demi Lavato to get get the pink speechbubble outline??? Nice!!
I would have your characters walk to a spot in a certain amount of time so it doesn’t look like they’re going sumer fast you format this by having something like
@CHARACTER walks to spot .662 200 80 in 4
4 is the number of seconds you choose
Also you can have
NARRATOR (CHARACTER)
to have the character’s name over the narrator box. Though this trick only works if the character’s script name is one word.
Also you named the uncle, uncle? He’s Tio the uncle aka Uncle the uncle? I would change this. Enough people know enough spanish to catch onto that
I like how you’ve broken up the dialogue! It creates really good pacing!
I’ve noticed some of your sentences are a bit long though, and can be reworded into two sentences. For example instead of having

“Mama was offered an excellent job opportunity here as editor-in-cheif at a major publishing house.” I would have
“Mama was offered an excellent job opportunity here. She will be an editor-in-cheif at a major publishing house.”
Also note the inclusion of an here, helping words can be easy to leave out sometimes! Though if you did it on purpose then you can keep it as is it’s also fine that way.
But just make sure to watch out for sentences that could be re-worded as two sentences instead. A good way to watch out for these sentences is by reading them outloud and seeing if you are able to say them normally in one breath or not. Breaking up these sentences will also help with maintaining pace. As well keeping the reader from interpreting the dialogue as a character trying to speak really quickly.
You have really good directing skills!! You have great demand of the camera and the characters actions always go really well with situation, this can be hard to do on episode. So good job!!
I would try cleaning up the hug a bit I think by having
&ARMANDO starts hug_rear AND ARMANDO faces right
@SOFIA starts hug AND SOFIA faces right
you can fix this. But I think! I’m not testing this out in the script rn but I know with many of the rear actions you have to command them facing the opposite direction of what you want in order to get them to go that way.
lol Bookface

in the scene where they are talking about getting a car when they get to their room the first time I find that the music changes a bit too much. I would have less music changes. It can seem too dramatic (as in over-dramatic/comedic) if you have too many music changes at once. It causes the music to lose it’s impact.

I think you should allow for character customization of Mariano even if it’s limited (like for example not being able to change the eyes)
Also you have her talk while thinking sometimes, make sure you watch out for this!
You can control where the speechbubble is by going on the app and going to create, then clicking on the story. After that go to the scene you want and click directing helper, then bubble helper.
I would suggest moving up the dialogue a but when Mia is sitting at the table because the line about malls, boutiques, coffee etc is cut off and I can’t read the last line
Also *boutiques
When Mia, her dad and Mariano leave Mia walks up and gets taller I would have something like this for her
@MIA walks to spot 1.240 -90 0
instead of Mia exits screen left.
I would make Mia smaller on the part where she sits up on the bed, what you have is currently a bit shocking

Overall: I really liked this story!! Your character’s have clear personalities and I liked how you made her sound like a 16 year old in 2009 with the Oh Em Gee’s lol. I’m definitly interested to see where things go with her and Mariano as well as what happend with Bony-Face_io!

[Mary.G9]

Title: Saving Anna

Genre: Romance/ Drama

Description: Anna is a young, sweet girl whose life has been strucked by tragedy more than once. At this point of her life, someone new enters her life, someone exits and someone reappears. Will the handsome stranger be able to save her from herself and her demons?

Story Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5043136061112320

Especially want comments on: A general review on the first three chapters I posted. Do they make you want to read more? How do you feel about the characters so far? Is there something I absolutely need to change?

[giamorina]

Hi I would love some feedback on my story. Here’s the information below

Name: Prominent Gift
Author: Gia Morina
Genre: Fantasy/Werewolf/Romance/Drama
Description: Kidnapped at 16, Piper finally escapes after three years. She finds herself in the home of the soon to be Alpha King. What happens when her kidnappers come looking for her? How long can the Alpha King keep her protected?
Number of Episodes: 4
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5263005260054528

Thank you

[TheSunflowerQueen]

That was really helpful! I’m definitely going back to correct all the things you mentioned.
The uncle’s name is Armando, but Mia refers to him as Tio Armando since he’s her uncle… but I do need to change this because it might be confusing to the readers at first.

Thanks for the tips on the hugging scene! I never can get that one right; now I know why. Same for the music in the scene where they are in their new room; a reviewer mentioned something about that once, but since she didn’t tell me exactly what scene it was, I didn’t know what I needed to change. Thank you so much for being very specific about what needs to be changed. I’ll work on it as soon as possible.

[Ltxo]

Hi! I would appreciate an honest review <3

Form: Ink
Username: ltxo
Author Name: Lara
Story Title: From Girly to Manly
Genre: Romance/Fantasy/Adventure
Description: Ever since the new queen’s reign the kingdom has been divided. There is a barrier between men and women. What happens if you have to pretend to be a boy, but then start to fall for the guy you deceived? [CC]
Published: Yes, Episode 6 so far
Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5238987157798912

Thanks!! <3