Thoughts on Mafia story's

Ok as some of you know, i have a mafia story and im jus wandering if it seems to basic as the others.
My story is Tempted By Him for those who don’t know
i jus want to know your opinions on mafia story’s
u can be as brutal as u want idc i jus wanna know ppl’s opinions and if my story is just as basic and stereotyped as the others

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I don’t like Mafia stories because the ones on this platform and the ones generally written by young adults seem to have a very skewed perception of how mafia works.
They seem to think that being mafia gives you some sort of ammunity, allows you to do whatever you want and they romanticize violence and a lot of things that shouldn’t be romanticized.
However, my general opinion doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter for your story, because if you twist a steretype or write somethng like it’s meant to be written, the steretype won’t matter and people will like it.
I’ll edit is as soon as I read it.

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ik bcos most stories are literally recycled from others, making it boring but i tried to change my story and plot a little

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Just a little bit? I’ll see if I like it

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Well if you’d like to see what many of us think about mafia stories you should read this thread

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omg ty now ik what to be aware of, i might asw stop writing cos i feel like my story would come out like that

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I could give you some advice how to shake it up a bit … I’m gonna read it first though

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omg ty cos after reading about what ppl think about mafia story’s like i feel stupid and don’t want to continue my story, so ty

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Can I first tell you about the name? It’s kinda … Well basic and I believe a variation of this name is everywhere on this episode. I think if you want your story to stick out story wise, you might want the same effect with your name, no?

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if im being honest my story is literally like how it’s stereotyped its jus that the mc gets prego at the start by accident
so i feel stupid now

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A lot can be done with that, you only have 5 episodes out

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i dont want to mislead ppl into thinking that the mafia is actually like this asw

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Moved to Share Feedback since you’re looking for feedback on your story. Make sure to check out our Forum Tutorial for more info about creating topics, and feel free to PM me if you’ve got questions. :smiley:

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Thoughts I had while reading episode 1:

  1. I like the intro with the tempted by him logo, however you might want to cut the author interaction. I hear most people hate when the autor comes onscreen and says “Hey, I’m the author, this is my first story, hope you enjoy.” Like I find this numerous times on a thread labeled something like “What are some things in stories that make you stop reading them?” If you have anything important to tell them, that’s what the narrator is for.
  2. I like that you wanted to be descriptive about characters, so you told the readers right away that it’s wise to keep characters as they are, but didn’t tell them it was necessary so it’s not like you said “Oh, well I’ve taken the right for you to change the character’s hair because she has to be blonde” away from them but still allowed yourself to be creative where you wanted to be. I didn’t really like how some chars looked so I changed them a bit so I get to see how descriptive those descriptions are. (I feel like I’ll forget to really appreciate them if the characters look like their descriptions lol)
  3. Jesus christ how many chars do we have to customise? A lot of people would hate this. You should stop at the sister, nobody cares about the mother and whatever follows. You could even stop the sister. Just … You could change the skin of the mother to fit the daughter if somebody changes the skin withouth them having to do anything, but I’ll tell you about it later.
  4. I see a lot of cliches already, I’ll list them all here
    • A lot of people, in movies and on here, start with the "How did I get here storyline. Although one of my favorite cartoons also starts this way … Megamind
    • Okay seing somebody’s death at the begining is also used a lot. I remeber reading a story from the Victorian Era where it was known from the start who was gonna die, and then the story continued.
    • “Because of him” … Yeah gives the vibe of “That smile … That darned smile” and a lot of other stories uses a version of that line.
  5. Eww why are Gerald’s lips so different from his skin?
  6. Okay she just said “He loves me” did she say it to herself, you know, softly, or did she break the 4th wall?
  7. You should learn the difference between their and they’re. It’s They’re right.
  8. The hugs when her friends hugged her wasn’t right, the friends should’ve been more to the right.
  9. What is the point of the “lol they’re weird” note?
  10. Love the dress game, even thought the template is dara’s
  11. This isn’t something I hate, but damn that’s a lot of people at this club … Hate to know how many unused character you have because of scenes like this
  12. I like “Oh my days” is that going to be her catchphrase? I remeber one I particularly like from a favorite TV show of mine … “Jesus H Roosevelt Christ”. You could make it something she says when she’s scared or something, it would be fun.
  13. No lol. The way you showed his legs they looked so feeble. Maybe if you just showed his chest? It would be shallow yes, but that’s probably why most people read mafia stories and it’s much better to focus on the chest than on the legs.
  14. Is it bad I really hoped this story would be Italian-Americans and it’s serious and sexy, but throught the whole story there’s jokes and stereotypes about Italian-Americans, Sicilly and mafia in general?
  15. “From head to toe he was just perfect” ? Girlie, don’t make perfect characters. They’re boring and annoying, okay? Trust me the RP community knows very well.
  16. The situation where MC finds herself in is sooo overdone!
    Gets into a situation where they obviously can’t deal with themselves (In this case it’s someobody wanting to r0pe her)
    Guy swoops in, saves the day
    “I could’ve dealt with that myself”
    “You could at least thank me”
    “Yeah no thanks, you didn’t do me a favor since I could’ve done that myself”
    And then either “You are different! I like you” or “Ohh, a feisty one. I like you” or “You are not like other girls” (Which is a variation of the first one, but this form is sooooo overused.)
  17. I hope you never add diamond options to those gold options because paying for your character to have a backbone is just … Capitalism at it’s finest.
  18. Another grammar one. You’re vs Your. I’ll tell you which one is which.
  19. I hope Addison isn’t the stereotype “I like him, so I’m gonna try and ruin your life because you’re the quirky different girl he likes.” blonde girl.
  20. How do you pronounce the MC’s name?
  21. Okay I believe MC is hot, but I don’t think bartenders would ever just be so phased by somebody’s beauty to stop working unless they’re dressed so sl00ty there’s nothing left to the imagination and they’re looking at the body not the face.
  22. I love how she saw her rude friend sleeping with somebody in a public toilet, and the first thing she did was laugh.
  23. To be fair, Bela means beautiful in more languages that portugese … For instance Italian.
  24. Love at first sight isn’t my type of romance, I’m sorry but it’s not realistic so it’s sooo hard to be interested in something we think is crazy
  25. Our lips*
  26. On your thank you for reading splash you wrote “reading” twice.

What is the plot though? Okay he’s hot, she’s hot and came back from … somewhere? She went out with friends, met him and slept with him … But what about the mafia? What kind of mafia is it, why is he a part of mafia, what difficulties have come to his life because he’s a part of mafia? What rank of mafia is he? A capo? He’s so rich he must be a capo or something like that.

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ty for the feedback, i will improve

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Do you want to PM me and explain where you think the story should go? I can help you improve the plot and give some advice for the future episodes.
I’m gonna do all 3 episodes, but not now, or at least not today

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yh omg that would be amazin

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Hey hi. I’m not here to stay, but I’m Italian and saw a couple things to be fixed in this thread.

The island is actually spelled Sicily, one l. Unless it was a pun with the word ‘silly’ haha. In Italian, the name is Sicilia (pron. see-CHEE-lya).

Uhm close but no. ‘Beautiful’ (in its female form) is bella, double l. ‘Bela’ in Italian means ‘(it) bleats’ lmao. The two words sound similar, but an actual Italian recognizes the difference immediately.

Oookay, bye :sweat_smile::wave:t2:

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Sorry totally mispelled that.

I knew it was bella with 2 ls bit I thought thats basically the same word.

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It’s fine hahah
The words are very similar, so honestly if a Portuguese told me ‘bela’ I’d understand by context that they’re saying ‘beautiful’ rather than ‘it bleats’ :laughing:

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