Turned my poem into a song (constructive criticism needed fr)

Decided im gonna be a little delulu and write, record and produce a song bc why not and I can. Wrote this, never written a song OR a poem before so id love feedback. I have no melody in mind so read as you wish lol

Your methanol tainted smiles,
Push cortisol into the ether.
Hypoxia becomes anoxia
The carbon runs deeper.

Don’t you want to ignite with me?
Don’t you want to ignite with me?

Even when I am subtly screaming,
I am a white light, an invisible flame.
And if I do not endure it gracefully,
I am too wild to claim.

Don’t you want to ignite in viridity?
Don’t you want to ignite in viridity?

Cause I burn in silence and you burn in poetry
And I become visible, by all these attempts to divert your light
You have see me, and I just can’t resist your heat
Won’t you ignite with me? Wash away the ashes of what you’ve made of me.

Even if it burns me
Scars me invisibly
I will bandage up my words
For you.

(Cool breakdown here???)

And somewhere
Somewhere I no longer burn.
I’m not your eternal flame.
And you’re nothing but summer rain.

So, why did you have to ignite me?
Why did you have to ignite me?

So, why did you have to ignite me?
Why did you have to ignite me?

Why did I never burn in sonnets?

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Ooo I really like this line! Just had to say that.

The only thing I would suggest is varying up the vocal delivery or switching up the instrumental / dropping it out on all the “ignite me” lines. To break up the monotony a bit. But that’s more a critique to follow when there is a set melody… Oh and I like cool breakdowns so I’d vote for that haha.

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Thank uu i appreciate it!! Gonna have an intrresting production which is why its very short so will definitely layer and stuff on vocals as well

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I loved layered vocals and also when there’s like ten instruments in a song. One of the bands I listen to incorporated the sound of a soda can popping open in their song lol.

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Or when they completely switch up the melody/genre mid song and it shouldn’t go at all and then it does. I love reading lyrics and going “There’s no way I’m liking this song at all” and then I hear the beat haha.

Also if you ever upload your song on youtube/spotify/soundcloud I’d love to give it a listen! My music taste is all over the place so I love checking out new stuff!

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bump

Very emotional omg, love it! I imagine it w a big orchestra type instrumental, rlly dramatic and cool!

This is incredible! You are so talented.

Obsessed with this part

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thank you!! i rly appreciate that, In my music era fr

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