Upside Down by MCMPLL

general

#1

Hello, I have a story that I worked really hard on and can you redears review the story upside down by MCMPLL please I’d really appreciate it and I want honest opnions. Thanks


#2

Hey there, I’d be happy to review your story :slight_smile:


#3

Thank you very much!


#4

Firstly, I am not a fan of using a points system/ratings - so I’ll be writing what I enjoy in your work and anything I feel may need improvement :smile:

There are some occasional grammar mistakes. However, that’s okay - it can help to have someone to proofread your work :slight_smile:

I love how you’ve used advanced directing skills like different spots, transitions, use of music to convey the mood of the story and I like how it fits with how the characters are feeling as well. Great use of zooming!! Also, there are a healthy amount of choices and they helped me become engaged with the plot.

The plot is pretty interesting - kinda like Lia has an alter-ego - this mysterious pretty girl who is making the guys doing the chasing instead of her doing the chasing and the character development is pretty good as well. Also, at the beginning of Episode 3 when you do the splashes (Warning: Mature Content and the Put the Sound Up!) it is zoomed in, maybe if you do the zooming in when the story begins but when you zoom into a particular part put the “in [secs]” as "in 0"

Also, nice use of custom backgrounds but for Lia’s bedroom maybe zoom the bedroom in a bit more to get rid of the empty space. Overall, I really like the story so far - just a few edits and touch ups needed but other than that I found the plot of your story engaging. Also, I love how the choices affect the plot goes as well. Great work :heart:


#5

Thank you very much I appreciate it!
Can you help me with the grammar mistakes like what kind of mistakes,please?


#6

Sure, so here are some examples

When I was writing myself I was told by some reviewers to add punctuation marks after each of the speech bubbles and narration parts (full stops - sorry I am British haha, so I guess they are called periods elsewhere, adding commas will help you out with making it easier to read. As well as putting your dialogue into smaller chunks - e.g. "Okay, I trust you - stop by my house and I’ll get you the clothes from a friend"
And when Lia answers Luke she can be like “Okay, thanks.” Then afterwards she says the Love you!

I hope that helps and I recommend instead of starting your sentences with “And” or “But” I recommend you go for “Also” and maybe look up words which can be used instead of those two words. Hope I’ve helped :slight_smile:


#7

Yes, you helped me, thank you :slight_smile:


#8

You’re very welcome and again great job :smile:


#9

#10

Topic closed due to one month of inactivity.


#11