Summary
CHAPTER 1:
*Right off the bat, there’s already grammar and spelling mistakes.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “The author highly recommending…” Change it to, “The author highly recommends…”
SPELLING MISTAKE: “Take screen shorts…” Change screen shorts to screenshots.
*Default character but with a different outfit?
*This is really… graphic and descriptive. I believe it’s against the guidelines to go into details of describing a homicide. There’s no gore or blood, it’s just really… detailed.
*I don’t really understand what’s happening.
*Remember to add periods at the end of each sentence.
*The MC is layered and faced the wrong way when she’s helping (?) the dude.
*The story so far has ONLY been narration, which is boring.
*She just popped up on the screen and the dude is walking on loop for some reason.
*”There is a very thin line between confidence and over confidence.” I think you should change over confidence to arrogance. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being confident.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Don’t mix it up Roy.” Add a comma before Roy. Add a comma before and after you’re addressing someone. I’m also not going to point out every single mistake you have related to this.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Did brother has something for me?” Change has to have.
SPELLING MISTAKE: “Do u remember…” DO NOT use slang in dialogue. Change u to you.
*I don’t understand what’s happening, like I said. Like who is Jaden and where did he come from.
*They look super big in the scene outside the hotel.
*Remember to capitalize your I’s.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “And most important don’t…” Change important to importantly and change a comma before don’t.
*Remember to stop looping animations when they’re done talking.
*That zoom was like 6 seconds long-
*This episode was short. That was a weird place for an ending. Typically you don’t end an episode with a flashback with NO context.
*Also this whole episode hardly had any sound or music, which made it boring.
CHAPTER 2:
*”My name is ROY.” Roy doesn’t need to be in all caps.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Throughout my life i have been broken and hurt.” Add a comma before I and capitalize it.
*Remember to add a period at the end of each sentence.
*There’s no context for her flashback in the last episode…?
*She’s talking with her mouth closed with talking speech bubbles.
*In the beginning of the scene at her college, she was in the walking animation for like 4 seconds before the zoom.
*You can cut to a scene instead of panning because cutting is WAY quicker than panning.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “It felt as if Jesus has answered…” Change has to had.
*You should make the characters do animations while they’re narrating. Watching them stay frozen the whole time after their last animation felt unrealistic.
*I don’t really like the fact we are playing from other people’s POV when they aren’t relevant to the story. Alec seems like a background character who’s just helping Roy with her laptop, so we aren’t obligated to see his thoughts on things. It’s also nice to see things from other people’s POV if they’re relevant to the plot.
*The scaling and sizing for Alex at the church was really big.
*Remember to add the characters before you pan or cut to a scene!
*I also recommend adding some type of filter to indicate a flashback is happening.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE:”All of a sudden it felt as if I…” Add a comma before it.
*I don’t understand how this scene and flashback is important to the plot. Typically you put flashbacks to continue or contradict or explain the plot.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Are you thinking that you have got the license…” Remove got from the sentence.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I would have come anyway…” Change come to came.
*The excessive use of punctuation marks in one sentence is annoying. For example, “Can’t we work something out???”
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Why don’t you keep things in there place?” I don’t know how to fix this sentence because I don’t know what it means. Maybe change it to, “Why don’t you keep things at their place?”
*The narration of the scene with Roy and Alec was actually nice! I liked it. I liked the figurative language and metaphors.
*You don’t end the episodes at a reasonable place or a cliffhanger, which doesn’t feel right to read.
CHAPTER 3:
GRAMMAR MISTAKE:”TURN UP YOUR VOLUME FOR BETTER EXPERIENCE.” Add the word a before the word better.
*I-isn’t this the same beginning as chapter 2…
*Ah, It’s a recap, I see. Maybe you should tell the readers that a recap is happening with a filter or tell them before.
*The casual flirting Alec does makes me uncomfortable because Roy clearly doesn’t feel the same… I think…
*Whenever you zoom on something or someone, it’s always really slow. I suggest you make your zooming on things a little fast.
*Also, I noticed you would pan to a scene THEN you’d walk the character to the scene. That’s when the & comes in handy.
&pan to zone 1
@CHAR walks to spot x x x x in zone 1
*Why is Alec practically stalking Roy… It seems like he’s completely infatuated by her.
*A date??? Alec doesn’t even know her, like at all.
*In the scene outside the college, Alec and Roy were in a walking animation in place for 3 seconds.
*The thing I like about this whole interaction is Roy isn’t giving into Alec’s stalker and annoying behavior.
*Alec is practically stalking her?!!!? No means no! No doesn’t mean convince me! This behavior is unacceptable and is alarming. The fact he follows her around everywhere is also alarming. I’d file a restraining order if I were Roy.
*”You talk too much. I like the silent types.” Very relatable, Roy! I hate obnoxious people.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Actually, I’m silent types myself.” Change it to, Actually, I’m the “silent type” myself.
*Remember to put commas before and after you’re quoting something and quotations in general.
*I’ve no idea why Alec likes Roy so much. Just because Roy asked him if he can fixed her laptop…?
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Mom used to add it. For energy.” Combine these two sentences into one.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Because it’s fills with lust.” Change fills to filled.
*Wait, they’re having a date? Didn’t Roy reject him like not even two scenes ago…
*There’s little to no music in the scenes that’d be MUCH better with music.
*Remember to capitalize the word at the beginning of a sentence.
*Alec OBVIOUSLY doesn’t romantically like her. He’s clearly in complete lust. He’s being a horny bastard. Maybe even a predator?!?! I’d throw him out of my house if I were Roy also.
My final notes are, the romantic aspect of the story would have been somewhat nice if you didn’t make Alec a complete stalker. His behavior towards Roy was… alarming. I would feel super uncomfortable if I had someone beg for a date every day and followed me around every where. I don’t understand the plot of the story, like at all. The beginning of chapter 1 was confusing, because there wasn’t any context of why that was happening. Is Roy a murderer? A spy? I don’t really understand. That was the only scene where Roy was in that disguise within the 3 chapters I played. In the 3 chapters, it seems like it was more focused on Alec and Roy’s weird relationship they going on. I like Roy’s character, but the flashback you put in chapter 1 was REALLY oddly placed. I don’t know why you put that flashback in without any context following in the next chapter. Overall, your narration was nice, I personally enjoyed it. Your grammar wasn’t that bad. The first half of chapter 1 was JUST narration, which was boring to read. There were also 0 choices except the dressing games, which I didn’t mind but I know a lot of people would mind. There was also little to no sound in the episode, which made the episode feel really bland. So I recommend you add more sounds and music to make your episode feel more… exciting to read.
I think it’d especially help me if you listed out specific sentences that could be improved like you did with Lydia but you don’t need to if you don’t want to 
(Also, if you have trouble with any of the minigames, just let me know and I’ll let you know how to get past it. I’m only really saying this cuz there are one or two that were hard for a few people.)
Thank you so much and I hope you like it! 
They typically make a story more exciting.
But thank you so much for the review 