I say this has been crazy for me because I had lots of good/not so good moments and thoughts too,
So here we go!
First thing: good thing!
The first GOOD thing that happened to me this week is that my story (Heartbreaker To Lovers) (no I am not promoting it here don’t worry) has gotten lot’s of reads! And yet is on the LGBTQ+ shelf, now it was on it a first time this week, then it got off the shelf but then it was right back to being on trending!! For LGBTQ I gotta say this, this motivates me to write even more! It makes me want to become an author and be successful and to have many fans! Who love to read my story and support me! It’s really great, and all that motivates me to keep writing season 2 of The Vampires Next Door and to finish Heartbreaker To Lovers (LGBTQ) once my editors are done editing my script!! This is the best feeling and I do not wanna forget it!!!
second thing: not so good thing
This past week I have been feeling sad, not demotivated to write just, sad, why? Well because I don’t really have an answer to this, all week for me it has been- just listen to sad songs and cry my eyes out and just fake being happy to my friends because they don’t wanna deal with me when I am negative/sad so I just have to slap myself and say: “Aaron today we will go talk to our friends and fake being happy” which was not easy at all for me I just felt sad and just unhappy, mostly because my life even currently is a rollercoaster of emotions because everyday I am fearing my life, it’s mostly cause of the fear of being online with others and you know seeing what they will think of you, well and because of my major screw up but I really just don’t wanna talk about that it is too scary for me to talk about… trust me I would but I just can’t…
That’s been my other half of the week…
third thing: the thoughts
Now this is not to go down the road of klling myelf no no never that, it’s something that’s been on my mind for, well a couple years and it’s kind of embarassing, well to me, but here is the story:
So I don’t know why but for me to have these feelings, feels really weird to me, I am a male, and from time to time I have felt like a female (so she/her) so like yes transgender, such a weird topic for me… I get it if you look at this part and leave I totally understand but this has been happening for a couple years, and for me that is weird, even though I feel like you know, a transgender I would still like girls, so I mean I would be trans lesbian (is that a real thing just asking…)
What sometimes get’s me really thinking like this is my dreams, I have dreamt of me, being a woman and you know, kissing a girl and her being my girlfriend…
Now back to how it kind of all started…
- so part one of it is that quite a few years ago when I was young, I seen a bra and tried to you know, put it on (don’t think I got to actually put it on successfully) but you know years ago I did not know what it meant I didn’t even think it meant anything…
Here is another point:
- when my mom was around and my family use to go camping (Don’t ask about my mom, she’s not really in my life anymore she is not dead but I just don’t like to talk about it) one day while camping she painted my toenails and I quite enjoyed it!! (Weird I know)
Yet another point:
- in everything I have I seem to always choose to be a girl, not even joking but for like 1 and 1/2 years I had this virtural world I use to be on it was avakin life and man when I created it, I couldn’t stand being a male so I made my avatar a female and said to others I was a female, why? Because it felt so right to me! I had a whole life on avakin life revolved around a girl avatar, we had a little family on it, I had like an auntie and two daughters (it was for roleplay) but still being a girl avatar and living a life of a woman in a virtural world and you know still being attracted to other girls so on the game I would just go as a lesbian, did it feel right? Yup! I have always liked it! It’s weird for me, sorry I know I am weird, sorry:sob:
Even on that virtural world I created a girl character and I told people I was a male wanting to be a female and that I was trans lesbian, some of them didn’t accept me but I actually did have a girlfriend that accepted me on the game, I know it’s a game and it’s dangerous but it is an experience for me… even on the game me and that girl were talking and I was like “I wanna try and go to a store in real life and buy my first girl clothes” you know? Just like a bra or a bikini and bottoms to start out with, but I never did!
No joke, one year I think it was 2019 I was at work and my boss noticed I wasn’t myself, and I wasn’t because I was thinking about you know, my trans thoughts, so I took a deep breath and told her more quietly and kind of not understandable but she heard me and reassured me by telling me “hey it’s okay aaron my cousin is a transgender and she came out, you are who you are”
That made me feel both weird and happy…
But I gotta say, these thoughts come and go for me, somedays it is I am not thinking that way and my pronouns are then he/him, but on very odd days I really think to myself “What if I wanna be a woman? What if I wanna wear nice dresses and in general wear girl clothes”, for me, dresses are a thing I really seem to want to wear, because they are so beautiful, black is my favorite color so a nice maybe silky dress, and maybe with my beautiful girlfriend in my arms.
Goddamn I can’t believe I literally told you guys this, no, no it’s just not right, I was always told all my life, “Aaron it is not okay to think like that”! YEAH WELL WHY WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING ALMOST EVERY GAME I WANT TO BE A GIRL! AND TO DATE GIRLS HUH?! AND TO WEAR DRESSES AND STUFF! ugh I dunno…
Here is some episode clothes that if they had them IRL I would wear! Note: it’s an edit of my friends and Lucy from my story
I would wear those clothes because I MEAN LOOK AT THE CLOTHES IT’S SO CUTE! And being able to wear something like that on a date with a girl! COUNT ME IN!!
Sorry bout my rant… I don’t know these feelings come and go! I am still finding out who I really am… please only be nice if you are commenting, if you don’t like me talking about my trans lesbian life then please don’t send any hate, thank you!!!
Love you all!
Not really sure…