I say this has been crazy for me because I had lots of good/not so good moments and thoughts too,
So here we go!
First thing: good thing!
The first GOOD thing that happened to me this week is that my story (Heartbreaker To Lovers) (no I am not promoting it here donāt worry) has gotten lotās of reads! And yet is on the LGBTQ+ shelf, now it was on it a first time this week, then it got off the shelf but then it was right back to being on trending!! For LGBTQ I gotta say this, this motivates me to write even more! It makes me want to become an author and be successful and to have many fans! Who love to read my story and support me! Itās really great, and all that motivates me to keep writing season 2 of The Vampires Next Door and to finish Heartbreaker To Lovers (LGBTQ) once my editors are done editing my script!! This is the best feeling and I do not wanna forget it!!!
second thing: not so good thing
This past week I have been feeling sad, not demotivated to write just, sad, why? Well because I donāt really have an answer to this, all week for me it has been- just listen to sad songs and cry my eyes out and just fake being happy to my friends because they donāt wanna deal with me when I am negative/sad so I just have to slap myself and say: āAaron today we will go talk to our friends and fake being happyā which was not easy at all for me I just felt sad and just unhappy, mostly because my life even currently is a rollercoaster of emotions because everyday I am fearing my life, itās mostly cause of the fear of being online with others and you know seeing what they will think of you, well and because of my major screw up but I really just donāt wanna talk about that it is too scary for me to talk aboutā¦ trust me I would but I just canātā¦
Thatās been my other half of the weekā¦
third thing: the thoughts
Now this is not to go down the road of klling myelf no no never that, itās something thatās been on my mind for, well a couple years and itās kind of embarassing, well to me, but here is the story:
So I donāt know why but for me to have these feelings, feels really weird to me, I am a male, and from time to time I have felt like a female (so she/her) so like yes transgender, such a weird topic for meā¦ I get it if you look at this part and leave I totally understand but this has been happening for a couple years, and for me that is weird, even though I feel like you know, a transgender I would still like girls, so I mean I would be trans lesbian (is that a real thing just askingā¦)
What sometimes getās me really thinking like this is my dreams, I have dreamt of me, being a woman and you know, kissing a girl and her being my girlfriendā¦
Now back to how it kind of all startedā¦
- so part one of it is that quite a few years ago when I was young, I seen a bra and tried to you know, put it on (donāt think I got to actually put it on successfully) but you know years ago I did not know what it meant I didnāt even think it meant anythingā¦
Here is another point:
- when my mom was around and my family use to go camping (Donāt ask about my mom, sheās not really in my life anymore she is not dead but I just donāt like to talk about it) one day while camping she painted my toenails and I quite enjoyed it!! (Weird I know)
Yet another point:
- in everything I have I seem to always choose to be a girl, not even joking but for like 1 and 1/2 years I had this virtural world I use to be on it was avakin life and man when I created it, I couldnāt stand being a male so I made my avatar a female and said to others I was a female, why? Because it felt so right to me! I had a whole life on avakin life revolved around a girl avatar, we had a little family on it, I had like an auntie and two daughters (it was for roleplay) but still being a girl avatar and living a life of a woman in a virtural world and you know still being attracted to other girls so on the game I would just go as a lesbian, did it feel right? Yup! I have always liked it! Itās weird for me, sorry
I know I am weird, sorryā:sob:
Even on that virtural world I created a girl character and I told people I was a male wanting to be a female and that I was trans lesbian, some of them didnāt accept me but I actually did have a girlfriend that accepted me on the game, I know itās a game and itās dangerous but it is an experience for meā¦ even on the game me and that girl were talking and I was like āI wanna try and go to a store in real life and buy my first girl clothesā you know? Just like a bra or a bikini and bottoms to start out with, but I never did!
No joke, one year I think it was 2019 I was at work and my boss noticed I wasnāt myself, and I wasnāt because I was thinking about you know, my trans thoughts, so I took a deep breath and told her more quietly and kind of not understandable but she heard me and reassured me by telling me āhey itās okay aaron my cousin is a transgender and she came out, you are who you areā
That made me feel both weird and happyā¦
But I gotta say, these thoughts come and go for me, somedays it is I am not thinking that way and my pronouns are then he/him, but on very odd days I really think to myself āWhat if I wanna be a woman? What if I wanna wear nice dresses and in general wear girl clothesā, for me, dresses are a thing I really seem to want to wear, because they are so beautiful, black is my favorite color so a nice maybe silky dress, and maybe with my beautiful girlfriend in my arms.
Goddamn I canāt believe I literally told you guys this, no, no itās just not right, I was always told all my life, āAaron it is not okay to think like thatā! YEAH WELL WHY WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING ALMOST EVERY GAME I WANT TO BE A GIRL! AND TO DATE GIRLS HUH?! AND TO WEAR DRESSES AND STUFF! ugh I dunnoā¦
Here is some episode clothes that if they had them IRL I would wear! Note: itās an edit of my friends and Lucy from my story
I would wear those clothes because I MEAN LOOK AT THE CLOTHES ITāS SO CUTE! And being able to wear something like that on a date with a girl! COUNT ME IN!!
Sorry bout my rantā¦ I donāt know these feelings come and go! I am still finding out who I really amā¦ please only be nice if you are commenting, if you donāt like me talking about my trans lesbian life then please donāt send any hate, thank you!!!
Love you all!
Lucy6
Maybe with
She/her pronouns
Or
He/him pronouns
Not really sureā¦
Bye!
You know my IGā¦ And 
I still love you for you. 
and I am not sure of this yet I am still figuring myself out! But some signs are obvious