What do you think of my story description? Help of native speakers will be much appreciated!


#1

Hello, everyone!

I hope you are all doing great.

As many of you have noticed, writing a catchy story description is the first step to attracting potential readers. I wonder if the following story description would lure you to read my story.

Women on board are considered bad luck? Well, as the most wanted pirate captain you will most certainly bring the worst luck for anyone who crosses your path. CC, Choices Matter.

Also, I am not a native speaker so if as a native you could suggest on how to formulate the same description better I would highly appreciate.

:blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart:

  • Sounds interesting, I would love to read this story!
  • BOOOORING!!!
  • It’s not clear what to expect from this story.

0 voters


#2

I think the description is really good! Wouldn’t have known you aren’t a native speaker. The only thing I might change would be the first bit to maybe “Having women on board is…” but that’s a very small detail, probably a personal preference, and probably wouldn’t fit with Episode’s ridiculously short character limit.


#3

I’m not native, but I think that sounds a better “Having women on board” too


#4

Thank you very much for your feedback! Unfortunately, I have only 2 characters left :weary::weary::weary: Maybe I could somehow cut the second sentence… But does it sound grammatically correct in the original way or is it not quite natural?


#5

Thank you very much for your feedback! :blue_heart::blue_heart::blue_heart: I just need to squeeze that in the 180 characters :weary::weary::weary:


#6

Women on board are considered bad luck? Well, as the most wanted pirate captain you will most certainly bring the worst luck for anyone who crosses your path. CC, Choices Matter.

Having a woman on board! That’s bad luck! Well, as the most wanted pirate captain you will most certainly bring the worst luck for anyone who dares to cross your path. CC, Choices Matter.

Try this…


#7

I actually think this suggestion changes the meaning a little from the original. The “That’s bad luck!” is a statement that doesn’t open itself to doubt whereas the original question suggests that this story will toy with the opinion that it’s bad luck. Of course, the decision is up to the author!


#8

I feel that struggle! Took me ages to get mine to fit and still sound nice…

Don’t worry! I wouldn’t edit the second sentence. The first is still grammatically correct the way you originally had it. My suggestion would really only make a very small change, it’s great the way it already is!

Xx


#9

you have a point, but indeed for the pirates was a statement…


#10

This story sounds interesting!
Will there be romance?


#11

I think! It’s because it puts emphasis on a different part of the sentence… so when you say “women on board are bad luck” it makes it sound like the women themselves are bad luck? But I think what you really mean is… the fact of them being on board is considered bad luck…

But again, not much you can do without more characters!


#12

Sorry, I’m really hung up on this now. What about something like:

Having women on board is considered bad luck? Well, as the most wanted pirate captain, you’ll certainly bring the worst luck to anyone who dares cross your path. CC, choices matter.

?

Also, consider taking the “choices matter” out if you decide you do want more characters.

Xx


#13

I like that!


#14

Thanks! & I hope you find something that works for you @Alex_Af !

Xx


#15

@GiaCereni, thank you very much for your suggestions, girls! I will toy with the character count a bit more! I want to leave the Choices Matter though as that’s what my stories are about. Hmmm… What if I just make it a usual question: Are women on board bad luck? I only think it looses its expensiveness.


#16

There sure will! You can have a sneak peek at my IG @episode.alex.af

I have already introduced one mysterious love interest there. :wink:


#17

Omg Yass a sexy male pirate is what I need in life haha.


#18

Ahahahahah, then you probably will like the story. Fingers crossed :crossed_fingers:


#19

Only thing I’d change is the question mark. Didn’t really sound like a question when I read it back


#20

The thing is I want the reader to doubt the statement in the first place, hence the question mark. Do you think it is still unnecessary? Maybe there is another way to express doubt…:thinking::thinking::thinking: