Who is willing to read my shared story? (Not published yet)

Hey guys! My name is Addilyn, I’m writing my first actual story called “The Code”.

When Vegas spreads an internet code that kills people who have done bad things, you are determined to be the one who stops his violent ways… But what happens when you accidentally fall in love with him along the way?

So the first 2 chapters are completed, and I was wondering if anyone would give me honest feedback? Thanks so much! (btw since its not published it doesnt cost any passes :slight_smile: )

The link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6093018260635648

Also if you are going to review it, before you do, comment down below, thanks for understanding!


i’ll give it a review! just give me an hour or 2! :grin:

Thank you so so much!

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I’ll gladly do it!

Omg tysm! I’m so happy!

would you like me to time each episode to see how long they are? or do you not care?

I timed them already, I got around 10 mins?

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okay cool! i’ll be back in a about an hour and half with a detailed review! :grin::kissing_heart:

Thanks so much hunny!


Okay girl so I just finished reading and to be honest, your story is missing A LOT of details, ur on the right track but in just one episode u got out ur house, it’s night time, u get lost, u “kill” someone who turns out to be a villain ??? And u meet a cute guy then this girl comes out of nowhere and u got tickets for Las Vegas? Like everything is happening soooo quick that I don’t even know what’s going on. U definitely got a story going on, but I think u should take more time writing, I get that it takes hourssss trust me I do, cause I’m writing one myself but it’s better to take hours to make it perfect then just finish it as soon as possible, hope u take my advice and keep writing !:heart:

Thanks so much!

hey girl! i just hopped back in to continue your story and then this popped up… there must be an error in your script or something. would you like me to just review it later… or… not review it at all … but episode 2 still works so i can review that one if you want…? :grin:

I’m fixing to read it can’t wait

yes plz!

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haha! yes to what?

I am working on chapter 1 atm so I purposely made an error but could you review chapter 2? :slight_smile:

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okay! here’s your review of episodes 1-2! I hopped back on and it let me read episode 1, so I decided just do redo my episode 1 review, if you don’t mind! mind you I AM NOT trying to be mean AT ALL i’m just being VERY honest, (cause you asked)and this is just my honest opinion, don’t take it too personally! thanks! :grin::grin:

Episode 1
  • I freaking love limelight! i’m so hype already!
  • first off authors note… get rid of it. readers hate them, but everyone does them. it’s a no. authors intros and outros take away from the i’m watching a movie feel of the story. so, anything that your readers need to ask you they’ll ask in the fanmail. and don’t start off your story telling us that it’s bad or that it’s your first story. because then we won’t have faith in your abilities as a director/writer and we’ll either click off or pity you as we’re reading. both things that you don’t want. if you think it’s bad… don’t post it. post it when it’s at it’s best and when you’re ready.
  • i’m more of a fan of being able to customize characters as we meet them. so that we can customize them based on their personality as we learn it. I don’t like just customizing them right as the story starts, i’d rather meet the characters AND THEN be able to customize.
  • I typed that last note^ while the customization music was playing :joy: I love the music you chose. :joy::joy:
  • the customization music is playing WHILE the intense news reporter music (lmao I think this music is music_jungleeerie) is playing. be sure to enter music off before you start a new sound.
  • after the news reporter gets cut off violet is talking while there is a thought bubble on screen…huh? make her idle or think_neutral or something the tail is also facing the wrong way.
  • the hug between violet and ruby is awkward, you should either move violet to the right more, or move ruby to the left more.
  • after a character gets done talking (this isn’t just you it’s an everyone thing), they either, 1.) make this stoopid expression on their face because they haven’t been instructed to do something or 2.) keep taking because their talking animation was a looped talking animation, and they haven’t been given an animation afterwards. so as soon as a character gets done with their line be sure to add a &CHARACTER is idle_happy_loop animation or something like that to prevent these things from happening.
  • you should use zooms more often. especially in moments when only 1 character is on screen or in serious moments like when violet is talking to ruby ab their brother.
  • instead of cutting to different zones while she’s walking just use a @cut to zone 3 and use a @CHARACTER stands screen right in zone 3 and then put &FOLLOW character to zone 1 command instead of these jump cuts do different zones
  • why is she walking around at night by herself for no reason? like what was the goal? why did she just leave ruby’s house? wait…huh? I don’t-
  • BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA KERNAL MY CREAM NUGGETS i’m soooooo gonna use that in real life :joy:
  • the fight scene was kinda… weird cause they were standing soooo close together. like, she was punching past him.
  • introducing this guy was a great way to introduce someone during customization, but i’d rather you zoom in on him than him jumping in front of the screen. also, can we get some information on him before we customize him? like who is he? why is he important? give us a little teaser ab his personality. we know nothing about him, so what are we supposed to make him look like…?
  • in this scene between jack and violet use the idle command I mentioned earlier; in this scene too.
  • can we move them more to the center and then zoom in on them? it’d look much nicer! :grin:
  • ooooo plot twist! he’s evillllll :joy:
  • wait…huh…when…how…wait… when did she win the tickets? did I miss something? wait… could you maybe add this scene… this kinda came out of no where. :sweat_smile:
  • don’t forget to capitalize your choices and add periods.
  • don’t add the hang up animation, or the authors note, just make them say bye, we’ll get the gist.
  • violet pops up onscreen out of nowhere on the bed. have her be there already before the pan by using an ‘&’ command.
  • their friendship is cute!
  • you’re doing a nice job with the sounds!
  • don’t do the outro at the end with the author, to ask for ss on insta just either use a splash, or make a narrator box out of it.
Episode 2
  • authors intro. delete pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee :grin:
  • there are 2 songs playing during the opining splashes. like, they’re overlapping
  • okay there’s this music that just won’t stop playing. I think you forgot to turn it off. :joy: just make sure you do that
  • ahhhh… so they’re superheroes.
  • what is happening? when did she get shot? tf? could you maybe shed some light on what the hell is going on and maybe include these scenes? like actually I have NO IDEA what just happened. when did we get to ruby? last I checked we were running to the cave so something. please add these things, don’t leave them up for audience interpretation, episode is for watching not guessing! :grin::grin:
  • make violet smaller in the bed, since she’s in the back.
  • do an instant zoom on Patrick, the long zoom makes the pause unrealistic and awkward. ex: @zoom on x y to 100% in 0
  • how did she wake up from her COMA that fast? :joy: and screaming too…? :thinking:
  • nope jk shes back in it again… how?
  • don’t have the doctor stand directly infront of violet, it looks strange, could have have her stand to the right maybe, and have her face rear, so she can face her.
  • where did she get these clothes from if she was just in a coma? shouldn’t she be trying to leave? :joy::sweat_smile:
  • this isn’t realistic, and i mean that in the nicest way possible. if you’re going to put her in something as severe as a COMA commit to the coma. she shouldn’t be out for like 20 minutes and then up again. or maybe she’s just coming out of surgery and it takes a couple minutes to recover. she did JUST get shot.
  • “you’ve got some explaining to do” YEAH YOU DO SIS. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
  • zoom in on them during convos like this.
  • the same song has been playing throughout the entire episode. music is supposed to be used to compliment the scene, not just be added to have music in your story.
  • why is my favorite character the evil old man :joy::joy:
  • author outro. remove please. :grin:
Overall Thoughts

Okay! Hi!
Alright, that was a lot. I feel like this story could be really good. I really do think so… With that being said, there are just so many plot holes. Like, genuinely I don’t know what is happening. In the first episode that’s when we should be introduced to characters and seeing what’s going on, and discovering the plot, and beginning to understand the characters lives and backstory. However. I just didn’t get that. I don’t know what’s happening. Here’s the thing, I don’t want to write your story for you. But there are some vital characters that we should be introduced to in episode one that we weren’t introduced to. Like her siblings, or Ruby’s brother. or Violet’s parents. In the first episode you said she had to go to like actual work at hero’s inc, or whatever, so maybe you could make a scene of her at work and we could get to meet all the characters! And, maybe learn more about violet because as of right now I don’t know anything about her except that she’s a superhero, so maybe you could do a flashback on how she got her powers or what she does as a super hero, or what makes her so different from other superheroes that she’s more well-known. We could meet her family and see how she interacts around them, or we could meet one of her exes or maybe she has a boyfriend, and jack is going to come in and change that later on in the story. And then you could also include the scene when and how she wins the cali tickets, and why. Also, maybe elaborate on why the old guy was fliriting with her if he knew who she was already. Honestly, idk, this is your story so I don’t want to write it for you but there just need to be a better development of the plot and the characters so that the reader can understand what’s happening. The directing is pretty good for this being your first story I will say that! And, I’m also glad that you didn’t overdo narration! A lot of stories that I’ve done reviews on use hella narration and it’s just not okay, so great job on that! :grin: Honestly, I do think this story has potential and I think that you’ve got a great foundation, now all you have to do is build off of this! Thanks for allowing me to review this! Please, let me know when you release it or if you ever need another review when you revamp it! :grin::grin:

Also, If you enjoyed this review, I’m sure you’ll enjoy my story! Or you can read it and crucify me on everything I’m doing wrong! I’d love to hear your feedback! Thank you! :kissing_heart::joy:

My Story

Title: Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane
Author: Marshmallow O.
Genre: Mystery, Romance, Comedy
Summary: Time is running out as you and your friends try to escape the mysterious sleepover that you were invited to… Read to uncover the Mystery on Hanging Hill Lane.
Chapters: 4 (More to come)
Style: Limelight

Create your own characters and Choices Matter!:blush:

Link: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/6250660385652736
Shortened Link: https://bit.ly/2FHhOMS

I wasn’t done with 6 scenes on episode 1​:joy::joy: and she doesn’t leave rubies house, (in the scene I’m working on) I still have to add scenes, like the scene where violet gets in her car and like enters a radio contest, but Tysm! (Other scenes include flashbacks to when ruby was a child and her parents, then to how she met violet, as well as a scene where she’s bumps into Jack and he asks her for coffee)I must of accidentally removed the error I put a random word on a line and I must of removed it, it wasn’t supposed to let you read it, bahaha, but I will fix all these mistakes and for episode 2 your supposed to be confused, episode three shows flashbacks to the time she get shot, as well as she will meet vegas

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ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh okay! well we had a bit of a misunderstanding! i’d love to see it when it gets revamped! :grin:

Also your story is great! Here are a few reccomendations and comments :slight_smile:
-Customize the customization, as the new update was important to black memebers such as myself :joy: so the lip colors will be better and I (and anyone else I swear I’m not selfish :joy:) can use the curls

-Maybe more we’ll developed covers

Otherwise I loved it and I will be reading it on my free time :slight_smile:

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