Will someone read the first episode of my unpublished story?

Hi there, will anyone read the first episode of my unpublished story ‘Black Sheep’. This is the description and link: (If you do read it, I’d love some feedback!)

Magic. Immortality. Expectations. Legacies. With your 18th birthday fast approaching, your world is about to change…the only question is, will it be for better or for worse?

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Sure. I’ll give it a go.

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Sure ill be happy to

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Hi! I read the first chapter (:

Feedback

I like the prompt of your story. Your directing is not bad, however, you should fix Ella’s speechbubble in this scene

Also, I think that instead of her being named “You” you should erase her display name and write Ella instead. If you want to let the reader write their own name then add episode’s template, if not change for Ella. I believe this will make a difference because, personally, I dislike when it appears like “you”. If you want to add customization you can use Dara’s templates.
Dara’s website has a variety of amazing templates and guides to introduce you to a little more complex directing.
Some music and sound would be nice. Personally, I enjoy stories with music and sound.

Here’s an idea for the beginning of your story: when you start describing Earth’s transition, instead of the background being black you can upload some background of another planets or idk, whatever comes to your mind to make it look more exciting (amepisode has amazing backgrounds and overlays. You should check her drive)
Of course all this is my opinion and it’s up to you if you want to change something or not but I think the idea is nice and really interesting.
Also I see there’s chapter two to review, if you want me to help you I totally can.

I hope this helps you (;
Good luck with your story :cupid:

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Thank you for all of your help! I will definitely take all of your suggestions on board! Episode 2 isn’t actually finished yet but once it is, I’d love to let you know x

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