Hi there! I just finished reading the first episode your story:
Here’s some advice that I hope will help you!
- When we are first able to cc the main characters (Isabelle and Rafael), I recommend you zoom on their faces so we can see the details more clearly rather than have the full body view; it’s just a minor detail, but it is a detail that I look for in stories because it’s seem more a bit more polished!
- Also, during the customization, instead of a black screen background, I recommend that you find an interesting, eye-catching background that relates to the theme of your story as I know a lot of readers find a plain black screen off-putting some of the time
Now for the plot of the story:
- As this is a mafia story, I really recommend and advise you to do some research as on all the different ranks there are involved in mafia as well as the different mafia groups there are in the United States. For example: you wrote the Capo of the New York Mafia but it’s not made clear what exactly you are referring to. What specific mafia family does he come from, what mafia group? There is not just one “mafia” in New York, there are actually five different mafia families, and I think if you would research into it, it could add a lot more depth to your story instead of vaguely being about the “New York Mafia.”
- Another issue I found in your story was when Isabelle first goes out and demands money from that one guy on the street, she is using a gun at a very close range. To make it known, guns are not really used when you are close to a person, instead it is mainly advantageous at a further distance to aim and shoot a bullet. I would recommend that instead of a gun, you would have Isabelle use a knife as it seems more realistic
- Also please use trigger warnings in your story as there is mention and scenes of violence!!
- Now onto the sudden time jump: I honestly found the time jump awkwardly placed and would advise you to add some narration to make the story flow smoother as it just jumped rather abruptly to her two years later in France
- Also - I found that the spot directing at the white building where Isabelle works and is standing outside of is quite off as she is nearly half the size of the building and does not represent realistic proportions
Now onto the things I enjoyed in your story:
- the overall premise and plot of your story has potential and I really think you can succeed as long as you keep working on improving your skills, both as a director and a writer!
- the cliffhanger at the end was a good touch and I think it will be interesting to see where things go from there and how the story will continue with the action being set up
- and finally, I just really wanted to congratulate you for putting out a story, as it is not an easy thing, and wish you the best as you continue. I hope my advice will help you somewhere along the road!