So I will be fast. If you aren’t feeling like reading this long thing, just exit.
In my country, we start school in 7 days BUT I forgot that I have an important project because of my headteacher (I hate her she is giving me anxiety and she only knows to talk bad about others) and I will have to go to school tomorrow for the rest of the week for a few hours with some of my classmates. I am somehow stressed because I forgot about it.
- Why am I worried? Why am I sharing this?
I am usually the outsider in school. I literally have 0 friends and I don’t talk with anyone. The last time I saw them it was march. It will be awkward. The quarantine made me realize how boring my life is. Even though my schoolmates are kind of s*itty I want to talk with them because I look like a weirdo that is 24/7 on her phone. But some things are stopping me from being social with them:
- My mental and physical health. Mental health? I always feel afraid when I am talking with people. I have good formed sentence in my head and I will be like “You know…um…there are singers named… Ummm… C-celebrities names here(I typed it on purpose) and they have a new song. Have you hear it?” instead of “celebrities names have released a new song. Do you like it? Have you heard of it?” and I am an overthinker and I will overthink this for the next 50 years. Plus I can’t look people in the eyes because of my physical health. I have problem with my eyes(i think it’s called lazy eye in English) and my eye look weird. I don’t want people to see it and this is why I don’t want to look at them in the eyes. Due to my social issues and this whole eye thing they assume that I have autism. I don’t even want to know if I have it for real.
A few days ago I was with my mom and we saw one girl that just have graduated. She is cool. I usually would feel anxiety but she introduced me to her sister and I was like “My name is Kristen”(not my real name but it is really close to it. I am not a catfish I just don’t want to share my real name, I kinda need to change my username here) and I looked her in the eyes. I usually have eye contact with close people but with my schoolmates??? My mom said that it is obvious that I have problem with my eyes. I am getting glasses. I want to prove to myself that it’s just my lack of self esteem.
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Trust issues
I used to be kind of close with them but they ditched me and started using me because I am the nerd and teacher’s pet kinda. I was so sad when one of my schoolmates said “I forgot you existed” when we literally sit together in one class. I am always ether their last choice or I am not a choice at all. One class they are really nice with me, but the next one they are rude. They talk behind my back a lot. Expecially about my social issues. -
The new schoolmates
It’s always the newbies that ruin everything. Only boys tho. One of them is named Daniel and the other one is Christian. Daniel is annoying and he is always like “She is stupid I don’t get why teacher love her so much. They are always giving her chances but when it comes to us, no.” and others agree. I do nothing. I don’t talk and at least try to be a good student and they hate how much teachers kiss my *ss. In IT class Daniel is always turning off my computer. The teacher gets angry at him because he should not turn off the computer like that(yeah because they are already slow enough). During the online schooling he was always like “I can’t do that”, “I don’t know how”, “my internet is slow”, "how to take screenshot from my laptop"if you don’t know it’s the button after f12(prt scr) and he acted like dumber that a first grader. But when it comes to games he knows everything. And no he doesn’t like me. That’s bullying(idgaf about it but it gets annoying). Chris on the other hand is always sending inappropriate content to the class’s gc(cough cough cough cough) and he even showed a video to me at my face. I am still traumatized. Plus he thinks it’s funny to say the n word(he is white) and he just sounds dumb. He is also ruining my favorite class with his addidute towards the teacher. -
My childhood trauma.
I am not going into details here but I used to be bullied a lot and I am always scared of being made fun of(I only don’t give a f*ck when it comes to these stupid boys in my class).
Man I just want to have friends in school for once. I will be friend with people I can’t stand and sometimes love(sometimes they are defending me) if I have to.
- Why the f*ck do I want to be friend with them?
I don’t want to be friend with the boys. They are a big no from me. The girls? I don’t want to be lonely for the last years. I know there will be moments that I will want to cry because my class was terrible but there are moments when they are…likeable? Sometimes I listen to their conversations(during the breaks when there are like 5 people in the room. They sound nice and not like when we are 18(my class is small). In the end of the day they are my schoomlates and I should socialize with them.
Here goes my question.
- How?