Wesley’s Review Thread (CLOSED FOR CATCH UP)




GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “With what, if I may ask and can I help?” Add a comma before and.

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Oh Liam.” Add a comma before Liam.

*It’d be nice to zoom in on their faces when they’re talking.

*The transitions are… really long. Maybe because I’m an impatient person.

*I also noticed they’re all the same height, are you using basic spot directing?

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “How is everything going?” Change going to doing.

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “At 6:30 am, Bella has work out. Dance class at 7:00 am.” Change it to, “At 6:30 AM, Bella has to work out and dance class at 7:00 AM.” *Remember to capitalize am.

*Remember to stop looping animations with an idle one when they’re done talking.

*The characters are kinda… bland, in my opinion. There’s nothing exciting about them and none of them stand out. The dialogue and conversation between everybody is bland. It’s really simple and basic.

*Before Liam starts to pass out and stuff, you could of changed the music into something more scary like. The peaceful and calm music didn’t suit the tone of the scene when everybody started to freak out after he fainted.

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Absolutely! After that we can go for a walk.” Add a comma before we.

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “There is he!” Change it to, “There he is!”

*Why is one of the characters named dad while one is named Mr. Beaumont. Mr. Beaumont is Liam’s dad, right?

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “There is she!” Change it to, “There she is!”

*Wait, can they read minds lol? I didn’t know that. Are they the only ones who can read minds?

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I am Prince Liam, your Grace.” Capitalize your.

*Capitalize royal names such as “Your Majesty” and stuff.

*Remember to put a period at the end of each sentence.

*Honestly, I’m not really sure what’s happening.

*That’s a weird place to end a chapter…


*They just popped up on the screen O.O

*The speechbubbles are messed up in this scene.

*Like I said, remember to stop looping animations with an idle one when they’re done talking!

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I known not why…” Change it to, “I don’t know why,”

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Why the thought of her with another man bothers me so much?!” Change it to, “Why does the thought of her with another man bother me so much?!”

GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “All of them said that if I was to marry them…” Change was to were.

*They just met LIKE a day ago and Liam is already saying how he loves her??

*They both just popped on zone 2 without walking there.

*THEY ALREADY KISSED WHEN THEY JUST MET…? This is ridiculously rushed. Their relationship didn’t have any sort of build up and they went from strangers to lover in a matter of seconds.

SPELLING MISTAKE: One of the choices says, “It was amazing, I do not regread it” While the other says, “He has no right do kiss me.” Change regread to regret and change do to to.

*I really don’t understand what’s going on. The plot is all over the place and the romance aspect of the story is also.

*How are they both so attached to each other when they don’t know each other, like at all.

*The music also doesn’t suit most of the scenes. In the scene where the Nanny tells them that they won’t rule together, the music is really upbeat and happy.


*All of the characters just popped up onto the scene.

*A really weird spot to end the chapter.


*Ok, to be honest, I don’t really feel like correcting the spelling and grammar anymore.

*I don’t know why but you stopped adding punctuation at the end of each sentence?

*I also noticed how you never zoomed onto anything within the 3 chapters I read.

*Why is the music the same in all of the chapters?

My final notes are the plot of your story is really… messy. It’s all over the place. I don’t really understand what’s happening at all. I don’t even know who most of the characters are plus their purpose in the story. Liam and Bella’s relationship was incredibly rushed and they practically went from strangers to lovers all in one day. I strongly recommend you get a proofreader, because your grammar and spelling was also all over the place. The dialogue between the characters were bland and really basic. All of the characters act and are the same, I can’t differentiate their personalities, since there’s nothing to compare! So again, I recommend you learn the basics of directing and story telling before you write a story yourself.

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Hi! Thank you, I will correct it all :blush:

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You’re welcome! Good luck with your story :slight_smile:

Thank you

^ I will finish all reviews after I update my episode! :))




*I can tell you put in a lot of effort in making all of the background characters!
*One thing I recommend is making the other person who isn’t talking, do an animation such as a laughing or react animation while the other person is talking, if that makes sense. Them just standing there idle makes the conversation seem a little bland.
*I think you put a lot of exclamation marks for sentences that don’t really need them. Typically I put them whenever someone is excited, surprised or angry.
*Is the exorcism happening in public? Why is there nobody around O.O
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I’m getting insane.” Change getting to going.
*I can’t tell if the dreams are foreshadowing something or if they’re just nightmares
*I found the demon that was flying to standing satisfying LOL she was a background character but still
*That was a weird spot to end an episode…
*I don’t think this episode had any choices too.


*LOL why does she have so many posters O.O
*Oooh I really liked the part where you had to google demons! I can tell you put in a lot of effort in directing this part.
*I wish you introduced her cat too (jk)
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “What you want?” Add the word do before you.
*Remember, punctuation comes before the quotation marks.
*You don’t need to capitalize the word after an ellipse, since an ellipse is just a pause in a sentence.
*I’m really curious on who these thieves are and why they want the amulet so badly.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “You guys are amazing!” Are should be were, since it’s past tense and because the performance happened in the past.
*Music genres do not need to be capitalized, like rock and such.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Well, I love you all, but I’ll talk to my beautiful fans.” Change the last part of the sentence to, “but I’m going to talk to my beautiful fans.”
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “For as long as I remember.” Add the word can before remember.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE:“Rock is Devil’s music.” Add the word the before Devil’s.
*Remember to add a comma before and after you’re referring to someone.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Girl’s talk, that you, as always, decided to interrupt.” Change the whole sentence to, “Girl talk. Something you, as always, interrupt.”
*She also has visions even when she isn’t sleeping?
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Who would she talk to? Animals?” Change would to does.
*This was also a weird spot to end an episode.


*You don’t need to capitalize the word after a colon or semicolon.
*The floor showing their reflection is really cool!
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I don’t really care, I kind of like to let them shocked.” Change let to see.
*“Insane asylum.” That wording is really… insensitive for people who genuinely have mentally illnesses and need professional help, so calling it an “insane asylum,” is disrespectful. Just call it an asylum or a mental hospital.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Don’t worry, I put some songs playing while I’m not singing.” I understand what you’re saying, but the wording is really odd. So just change it to, “Don’t worry, I left music playing while I’m not singing.”
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “That I went to ride a unicorn?” Change a to an.
*Remember to stop looping animations with an idle one when they’re done talking.
*The knife didn’t work on the demon O.O?
*It’s also interesting how the demon bleed black blood.

My final thoughts are, your grammar is pretty good; there weren’t that many mistakes regarding grammar! Although, I wish you explained the plot a little more, because I’m still a little confused on who these “Demons” or “Hunters” are or what they desire. All I know is that the Hunters want an amulet, but I’m still unsure what the Demons desire. I didn’t find any mistakes regarding directing, so good job on that! But one thing that bothered me is that characters They seem bland. There weren’t anything special about any of them. The conversations between all of them seemed really simple and sorta unrealistic, if that makes sense. For example, if you talk to 3 different people in real life about the same thing, I can promise you that their response will be different from each other. I also think you should elaborate and explain the MC’s backstory and such more too, like how did she get this knife and such? And why does she kill demons as a hobby? How come she and the Hunters are the only ones who are aware of the Demons? I thought that was a little weird, because I’m assuming that most people can’t see or aren’t aware that there are Demons where they are at. But other then that, I don’t really have anything else to say. Good luck on your story!

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Thank you so much! Your help with Grammar was priceless! I’ll change everything as soon as possible :blush:
Regarding the plot, I explain the Hunters mission in further episode (episode 4 actually), the story of how she got the knife will be explained as well.
No one was there at the night because they were in an alley and it was already very late… There’s not a lot of people there at night :joy:
About the characters being on “idle” during the whole conversation, I have to change that too…
But anyway thank you so much for your review! Serisously one of the most honest and helpful reviews I got! :blush:

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You’re very welcome :smiley: And you can dm me on instagram anytime you want for help!!

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Thank you!! What’s your Instagram?

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it’s @wesley.episode :slight_smile:

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*Not a big fan of author notes at the beginning of an episode.
*Some people randomly pop up on the screen O.O Maybe put an & instead of an @ symbol when you’re spot directing them so everybody shows up at the same time.
*I recommend making the people who aren’t talking, do an animation instead of just standing there idle. Maybe like a reaction animation like a laughing one to what the other person is saying, if that makes sense.
*I also noticed how you capitalize a lot of words that don’t need to be capitalized at all. Like “OK”
*Remember to always capitalize the letter “I.”
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I see i didn’t tame you enough for the day did I?” Capitalize the letter I and add a comma before did.
SPELLING MISTAKE: “Beautie” should be spelled as “beauty.”

  • “Your expensive carpet broke my fall.” I don’t understand what that means.
    *Remember to add a comma before and after you’re referring to someone.
    GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “They both stare at their girlfriends whom are still hugging” Change it to, “They both stared at their girlfriends, whom are still hugging.”
    *Remember to add punctuation at the end of each sentence.
    SPELLING MISTAKE: “What’s on today’s menue!!?” Menue should be spelled as menu.
    *I also noticed how the characters become bigger when they walk off screen, I recommend using the command, "@CHAR walks to spot x xx x in time "
    *I also don’t really understand what’s happening O.O?
    *There’s also no music and sound. There has only been one sound so far.
    *When the boys were drinking, the prop disappeared or something.

*The good thing is, there is finally music.
*Anyone can have heart problems at any age lol.
*Ellipses are also 3 periods, not 2.
*I also suggest putting a dash ( - ) to show someone’s sentence is being cut off, instead of using an ellipse because it doesn’t have the same effect.
*There hasn’t been any choices so far O.O


*Please do not use slang when you’re narrating or writing dialogue!!!
*Like I said, remember to put punctuation at the end of each sentence. You did it in the first episode but it seems like for the 3rd one, you completely gave up.
*So did the criminal break in the house or something?

My final notes are, I strongly recommend you get a proofreader before you publish any of your episodes. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation were all over the place. Punctuation is VERY crucial, because it can either break or make a sentence. The plot was a little… confusing? Because Rama somehow and suddenly died(?) but apparently she got hit on the head really hard and I’m not sure if that took place before she came over or after. Either way, the whole situation with Rama didn’t make sense. If you get hit on the head really hard, you’ll probably get a concussion or a head injury. Also, the criminal (I’m assuming that’s the criminal.) somehow broke in the house and nobody heard it? The conversations between the characters didn’t really feel realistic, it kind of felt forced, to be honest. I also recommend adding a lot more sound and music in your episode. In the first one, there weren’t ANY music, which made it not that enjoyable to read. Music and sound typically enhances or sets the mood and tone of the scene, which is why it’s also crucial. I also don’t understand why the police didn’t come right away, like they didn’t come at all? O.O Because the police usually comes right away if there is an emergency, but if it isn’t, then they will come within hours. The author notes at the beginning of each story were repetitive. I recommend you use splashes instead of author notes because it makes your story a lot more interesting and shows how much effort you put into it. Other then that, I don’t really have anything else to say. Good luck with your story!

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Thank you for the feedback!
I didn’t realize my grammar is all over the place. I only thought i had issues with punctuation?
I had to explain, at first, that some things will be revealed as new episodes are updated in order to let people know that it’s okay to be a bit confused (that’s why I used the author notes). It is a mystery after all, therefore i cannot let the story be that obvious. However, if it is too confusing, maybe i should throw a small background for each character.
Also, i made it clear in the episode that the killer is one of the characters ( Leo literally stated this in the first episode.) :face_with_raised_eyebrow: :face_with_raised_eyebrow:
Rama did not get hit on the head… why would you think so? :roll_eyes: (I did not explain what happened to her YET)
I will def take into account the directing, and punctuation issues!
Thank you again! (I just felt like explaining those 2 points regarding the plot to understand from you if my English is what confused you, or it’s just a misunderstanding)
P.S: English is my “3rd” lang so ya i might need my own Grammarly i guess :joy::joy:

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*One of the characters just popped up on the screen, maybe you can put an & instead of an @ when you’re spot directing them?
*“Any last wish??” I think it’d sound better if you said, “Any last words?” Instead.
SPELLING MISTAKE: “Hey Looser, catch it!” Looser should be loser.
*Also, I don’t know if this is a backstory or if this is the present O.O
*Remember to put punctuation at the end of each sentence.
*I like how you break the fourth wall in the narration.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I had a spider on my shoulder and I needed to kill him ASAP, my shoulder got contaminated thanks to that spider’s presence, so I decided to shoot him, I had nothing to loose anyway.” Change it to, “I had a spider on my shoulder and I needed to kill it ASAP. My shoulder got contaminated, thanks to that spider, so I decided to shoot him. I have nothing to lose anyways.” It sounds less like a running sentence.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “You were right, I would do the same.” Change were to are.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I didn’t even have hope that we will make it alive.” Change it to, “I didn’t think we would make it out alive.”
*Also I noticed you sometimes put ellipses for sentences that don’t really need them. Remember to put a space after an ellipse, also.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Great! If it can be worst then you aren’t dying!” Change worst to worse and add a comma before then.
*Is that a big baby or is something wrong with him? O.O
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Not mine problem” Change mine to my.
*I noticed how the character would appear bigger before they walk to their spot, maybe use the command “@CHAR walks to spot x x x x” instead of @CHAR enters left? :slight_smile:
*Reasonable place to end an episode, so good job!

*I noticed how you mess up the transitions for some of the scenes.
*I think it’s interesting what happened to Helena’s partner though!
*Also remember to stop looping animations with an idle one.
*For the scene where everybody is fighting, it was stuck for like 10 seconds before it zoomed out. Do you have a pausing command for that scene?
*Heroin? O.O I feel like you portrayed the symptoms of heroin incorrectly because Raven seems really unaffected.
*She was worried about a random dude she was killing? How did he feel pain by the punches but not the gunshots?
*Raven feeling sympathy for a random man she was killing was a plot hole, because she killed everybody else without any trouble except for this one specific random person.


GRAMMAR MISTAKE: "What have happened? Remove the word have.
“Why the Red Kingdom can’t be somewhere where we won’t need to build an iglue.” Change it to, “Why can’t the Red Kingdom be somewhere where we don’t need to build an igloo?”
"Please, please, please DO NOT use slang in dialogue!!!
*Remember to capitalize nouns: person, place and thing.
*Why does a white man have a black selective hairstyle :confused:
*Remember to put a comma before and after you are referring to someone.
*I recommend putting the intro and the splashes at the VERY beginning unless a recap or a flashback is taking place.
*I don’t understand why Damian had that flashback because nothing triggered it. Typically you get a flashback to something when you get reminded of it or something triggers it.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Shot her!” Change Shot to Shoot.
*Also why does the king dress like a bad boy instead of formally like a nobleman?

My final notes are, I didn’t like how you used slang in some of your dialogue. I also suggest you get a proofreader when you’re writing, because your spelling and grammar needs some work. I like the title of your episode because it’s intriguing. but I don’t know how it correlates to your story at all. I think I have a good understanding of what the plot is? I believe it’s about a really important gem that gets stolen and they’ve to steal it back, I’m also assuming the person who stole it is the love interest too? I’ve very mixed feelings about how heroin was included in your episode, because it was… glorified and you seem misinformed about it. Raven showed 0 symptoms of being on heroin when she took it, which was strange and inaccurate. Your directing was alright, but I noticed a lot of the characters would pop up on the screen, appear bigger before they walked to their spot or slid. Some of the transitions at the end were either wrongly placed or used. But other then that, that’s all I have to say. Good luck with your story! :slight_smile:

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Thank you, I appreciate your corrections, that sentence “sometimes I need heroin to be a hero” was just a phrase or similes or I don’t know how to call it… Like she didn’t take exactly heroin, but some other common drugs soldiers take to don’t be tired, hungry, terrified, concentrated etc… And it’s good to know that that Damian thing doesn’t make sense to you, Raven killed another men but she had weird feeling about him and somehow she had problem hurting him, she didn’t understand it herself, and when she touched him he had that flashback and she had trouble with it too. The third chapter is from his point of view, maybe I should end it after his point of view unstead.

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*Remember to space after an ellipse.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Ironically, no one know Thaddeus is alter ego to a student…until now.” Change know to knew and add the word an before alter.
*I noticed how you hardly have any diversity so far in your episode. It’s your choice whether or not you want to add more diversity, but I’m just saying.
*The overlays for the intro felt unnecessarily long to appear.
*The conversation between Caroline and Elizabeth felt really… unnatural and unrealistic. It just doesn’t seem like something you would say to a complete stranger in real life.
*Also, in the scene where they’re walking, they’re walking in place. Did you forget to pan to a zone or was that a mistake?
*Remember to stop looping animations with an idle one.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Oh, that’s cool, you class is next to mine. I can…” Change you to your. Also typically ellipses are used when someone is being cut off and such. In this case, it’s not necessary for an ellipse.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Hey, do you know you are late in class?” Change it to, “Hey, did you know you’re late to class?” You also spelled thoughtless as thougless in one of the choice options after that dialogue.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Oh, my apology…” Change apology to apologies.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “What was your name?” Change was to is.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “So how did you first class going?” Change it to, “So, how did your first class go?”
*The zooms are also REALLY long, that’s partially because I’m an impatient person.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “I’m Katherine Jones. I’m really like your fashion.” Change I’m to I.
*I’ve only seen 3 people of color so far in your episode. Everyone else is Caucasian. Like literally. Like I said, you aren’t obligated to add diversity in your episode, but it’d be nice to have it.
GRAMMAR MISTAKE: “Ralph Eric Anderson, people called him Eric, known as the curly hair guy with bisexuality” Change it to, “He’s Ralph Eric Anderson, but people call him Eric. He’s known as the curly hair guy who’s bisexual.” I also don’t really feel like nitpicking every single grammar mistake because it’s 2:45 AM here and what I’m saying is kinda repetitive.
*That was a weird spot to end an episode.


*Remember to put punctuation at the end of each sentence.
*Remember to add a comma before and after you’re referring to someone,
*Why did she agree to a date with someone she had small talk with once?
*Why did Scott walk backwards and conveniently bumped into the most popular guy who’s interested in the new girl and also a bully? That part lacked logic, because why would Scott walk backwards for a good 5 seconds?
*The plot is cliche and predictable so far. There’s nothing wrong with cliche stories when you add your own twist into it, but I feel like everything is really predictable so far.
*So it’s a high school but they’ve dorms and such?
*The friendship aspect of your episode feels unnatural, it doesn’t have a build up at all. It just jumps straight to the point right away; strangers to friends in a matter of a small talk. The same goes for the romance aspect. The MCs claim that they like someone just by a matter of one small talk.
*Also, I don’t really understand the whole “alter ego” thing? Maybe you could elaborate about that more because I’m still confused what’s going on with the band.


*One thing I do like is how much choices you’ve in your episode, so good job with that!
*Caroline claims to like 2 boys she hardly knows? She has only (hardly) talked to them once. I wouldn’t consider “small talk” talking to someone. "Where are you from?’ is all Spencer and Scotty has ever said to Caroline, so the romance aspect in the episode is rushed and lacks logic.
*I thought the part where Katherine looking back and the two boys immediately ducking was funny :smiley:
*Remember, you can have 5 lines of a song in only ONE chapter of your episode.

My final notes are, the pacing of your episode feels… unrealistic. Your grammar and spelling could use work, so I strongly recommend you have someone proofreader your work and such. One thing that really bothered me was the lack of diversity in your story. Majority of the characters, excluding one, that talked were all Caucasian. Personally, that’s a big pet peeve of mine to see in an episode; lack of diversity. If I see that there is hardly any or no people of color in the episode, I immediately click off the episode. The only person of color that serves a purpose in the episode is Scotty, but that’s all. I also don’t really understand the plot? Because apparently the band Scotty in, all of the members have an alter ego or something? Maybe I misinterpreted what they said. I don’t really understand what’s going on with Scotty and Caroline. They keep claiming how they like each other when they only talked once. I also can’t differentiate everybody’s personalities. But other then that, I don’t have anything else to say. Good luck with your story! :slight_smile:

Dang, that was some honest reviews, and you do make your point for the most of it. However, I do appreciate with punctuation and grammar (which I will work on them before reading your feedback pop up). But there are some defences I would like to say based on your constructive criticism (which either you’re not okay with it or more advice with from my responds – that’s fine for me, I need all the help I can get):


Yeah, I do understand the whole point you’re saying strangers to friends and romance aspect in small talk. The reason I did that because I was trying to put like “Oh come in, I want to be friends with you,” and then the story goes on, it will be like “Are they, my friends?” Because sometimes if they rush things out, it might go disaster (which happen after three chapters) and conflicted over time (as the story progress). The MCs will be having their thought of liking someone in the first place. Eventually, they will be cautious for who is their official friends or relationships.

The whole romance aspect in 3 chapters are Scott and Caroline do like each other, but they’re not serious about it until later on especially when Spencer charms Caroline to ask for a date, which I mentioned before.

The funniest thing is (in chapter 2), the reason why Scott walk backward (going to adjust the timing later on) because he thought he got his eyes on her, but he didn’t get it first. Caroline is naive about dating since she’s from a small town, which made her quickly taken advantage from Spencer (which a few chapters later).

There will be multiple story arcs (with cliché and twists overall – not necessarily to judge), but the whole plot of the story is about who they are and what they want to do after Senior Years especially their romance with someone affect their endings in different ways. Which eventually Scott, one of MCs, will be decided which person going for a serious relationship with or chose to be single (based on the audience’s choices). You do make your point about the romance between Scott and Caroline earlier, but sadly Caroline is going to be one of the Love Interests in overall storylines (even if she’s one of MCs). The other Love Interests (hint: LGB T and an international student from diversity: ** colour, and ethnicity** ) will be introduced over time and affect their relationships, so you are going to be okay with it.

The alter egos topic will be revealed probably before Senior Year storyline because I was putting a lot of effort trying to establish the characters regarding their sexuality, races and nationalities (which at least you made your point about it), and individuality. Diversity wise, I’m sorry if those are your pet peeves, but it will come around later (sorry). After all, the rest of the diverse character will be there soon.

As for the rest, I’m okay with it. If you don’t like it or give me suggestions, I’m fine with it. Thanks.

PS: It’s the special residential high school with dorms and such, references to short story mention about it.

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Ah, I see. It was my personal preference and thoughts. “The whole romance aspect in 3 chapters are Scott and Caroline do like each other, but they’re not serious about it until later on…” So that means that they don’t really like each other, they are just infatuated or attracted to each other. I do like how much choices you have throughout your episode, so props to you about that! I do like the idea of how you’re going to feature a transgender person later in the story, but just a reminder to educate yourself on the topic first!

Thanks, I’ll remember that.

^ Hey guys!! I’m sorry for the delay on reviews. I’ve been very busy and unmotivated. :(( I’ll get to them all tomorrow <3

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