Hello everyone! Just like the title says, would anyone be interested in reading a story based around friendship, the importance of teamwork, and cheerleading? I recently wrote a story on all of these topics! Here it is:
Description: Lizzy and her cheer squad are on their way to make it to state! They must learn what true friendship and what being a team player means in order to make it there.
If you would consider reading this story, I would very much appreciate it! If you could offer me some feedback on whether this is a good idea, I would also appreciate it!
Since some of you have shown interest in my newest story, I would like to know what you would like to see in it. As you know friendship, being a team player, and cheerleading are the main topics. But are there any other topics that you would like to see in it? If you have any ideas, please let me know!
Small grammatical mistakes, including apostrophes, commas and full stops.
Character’s animations overlapping other character’s dialogue.
A lot of show, not tell. However, there is some use of tell, which can take the reader out of the story.
No use of sound or music.
Panning between characters is time consuming.
It seems like there will be many characters to meet. So far, I’ve only grasped the personalities of few, including RJ, and LIZZY’s mother. After getting to know the character’s some more, especially the squad, I feel like I would be drawn into the story. In my opinion, sound and music is quite important, and would help set the scene. I like the length of the episode, though I know other readers may prefer it to be longer.
After touching up on the directing (speech bubble place, animations, spotting and camera movement), I believe this story could have a lot of potential. The plot is interesting, and I would look forward to seeing where this story goes.
All questions are rhetorical. I hope you find this helpful.
School
The girls appear on screen.
Did you use “Truth”, opposed to “True”, on purpose?
Use “were” instead of “we’re”. We’re means we are, whereas, were is a past tense verb.
“Yeah, we were.”
“Have fun over there ladies?” should be “Having fun over there ladies?”. Personally, I would use a comma before ladies, but it’s not mandatory.
When you pan between RJ and LIZZY, they are still doing talking animations, though there is no dialogue.
Panning between characters is time consuming.
Other characters are idle (frozen) when they aren’t talking, and it looks unnatural.
Storage Closet
RJ appears on screen; however, LIZZY walks in.
You’ve used !?, opposed to ?!
“Like 100+” is missing a full stop.
Is clich actually a word? Or is it supposed to be cliche?
“If you want me to knock off being a jerk than I’ll do that.” Use then.
Cheer Practice
The girls appear onscreen.
“The other girls will be stunting to.” Use too.
All three character’s animations are overlapping.
Nonsense is one word
In zone 3, the stunters jump from their idle positions to the stunt. You should spot them there when they’re off screen. When the female stunter gets down, she is extremely small. But when she’s stood beside the rest of the group, they’re all almost the same size.
In zone 1, the female stunter doesn’t get down like the other one did. She walks through the sky.
Home
The panning between LIZZY and her mum is time consuming
LIZZY changes out of her cheer leading outfit, into fresh clothes and then get in the shower?
I can’t confirm that. I was just mentioning that I noticed !? was used. And I wasn’t sure if it was a mistake or on purpose. I think you can use it any way you want - Interrobang ~ Wikipedia
