Glad I could help. Btw I liked your story very much.
Thank you so much! I have been stressing out over this. Haha. You made my dayš
Hey TheGoodOne (if that is your real name ),
Hereās my thoughts:
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I already like how when youāve asked to name the MC, you havenāt done the typical āWhatās your name?ā question, and you made the phrase suit your story.
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I think the pan at first was a little off. Should it start at zone 3 and then pan to zone 1? Since the character was in zone 1 it felt like I was only been shown her for a second before choosing the name.
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I like how the MC isnāt the cliche MC. Sheās different and thatās awesome to include.
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The scene outside the schoolā¦, I noticed one BG character āpoppedā up after the first narration bubble. It was the one on the left with slicked back hair in case you wanted to fix that up. And maybe have them doing looping animations so theyāre not just idle while Dave and Ahish enter
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Ahish slides when he first enters the screen. Make sure you have him enter and then say his line
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Oh and Iāve just noticed the MCās name is showing up as Gale? But that wasnāt the name I chose. Iām not sure whatās happened thereā¦
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Whilst Iām all for choosing what the MCās sexual preference isā¦ the story started with MC saying sheād never had a boy friend. And then it was the establishing shot of the school saying there wasnāt a lack of guysā¦ Maybe you would need to change this to MC saying sheās never been in love and then outside the school having guys and girls as BG characters and MC saying thereās not a shortage of potential partners?
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Iām loving how many choices Iāve already been given so early on!
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I noticed a typo in MCās day dream. Stop was missing a ātā when she says I couldnāt stop thinking of him. But other than that I liked the daydream scene
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MCās internal thoughts remind me so much of me when I was like in year 11/12
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When MC flirts back, I noticed the background is still black? I think after her day dream, the background should be a classroom of some sort. Unless thereās a reason you left it black and I just havenāt gotten far enough
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This is minor but I donāt think half the words you beeped out needed to be. I think die is fine to write and as long as you put a warning splash at the beginning, the rest should be fine too.
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Ok, so the episode finished after the text saga. I think the plot is off to a good start, but in saying that, there wasnāt enough for me to determine where itās going. Iām guessing itās like a coming-of-age story, where MCās trying to find love but has also got some PLL stalker threatening her and being racist? Iād love to hear what youāll put as the official description so I could compare though
BG: one of those small errors you just donāt notice till someone points it out. Yeah, Iāll fix it.
Ahish: Iāve been trying to fix it for days, but I just canāt find the flaw.
11/12: so is that bad or not?
Sexual preferences: yeah I should probably change it as you suggest.
Description: to be honest, this is very much a story in the making, so I donāt really have a description yet.
amberose
Episode Community MemberJune 3
Hey TheGoodOne (if that is your real name ),
Hereās my thoughts:
- I already like how when youāve asked to name the MC, you havenāt done the typical āWhatās your name?ā question, and you made the phrase suit your story.
- I think the pan at first was a little off. Should it start at zone 3 and then pan to zone 1? Since the character was in zone 1 it felt like I was only been shown her for a second before choosing the name.
- I like how the MC isnāt the cliche MC. Sheās different and thatās awesome to include.
- The scene outside the schoolā¦, I noticed one BG character āpoppedā up after the first narration bubble. It was the one on the left with slicked back hair in case you wanted to fix that up. And maybe have them doing looping animations so theyāre not just idle while Dave and Ahish enter
- Ahish slides when he first enters the screen. Make sure you have him enter and then say his line
- Oh and Iāve just noticed the MCās name is showing up as Gale? But that wasnāt the name I chose. Iām not sure whatās happened thereā¦
- Whilst Iām all for choosing what the MCās sexual preference isā¦ the story started with MC saying sheād never had a boy friend. And then it was the establishing shot of the school saying there wasnāt a lack of guysā¦ Maybe you would need to change this to MC saying sheās never been in love and then outside the school having guys and girls as BG characters and MC saying thereās not a shortage of potential partners?
- Iām loving how many choices Iāve already been given so early on!
- I noticed a typo in MCās day dream. Stop was missing a ātā when she says I couldnāt stop thinking of him. But other than that I liked the daydream scene
- MCās internal thoughts remind me so much of me when I was like in year 11/12
- When MC flirts back, I noticed the background is still black? I think after her day dream, the background should be a classroom of some sort. Unless thereās a reason you left it black and I just havenāt gotten far enough
- This is minor but I donāt think half the words you beeped out needed to be. I think die is fine to write and as long as you put a warning splash at the beginning, the rest should be fine too.
- Ok, so the episode finished after the text saga. I think the plot is off to a good start, but in saying that, there wasnāt enough for me to determine where itās going. Iām guessing itās like a coming-of-age story, where MCās trying to find love but has also got some PLL stalker threatening her and being racist? Iād love to hear what youāll put as the official description so I could compare though
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In Reply To
May 17
Hi Iād like to have my story reviewed: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5551133424353280
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Besides:
Classroom: original plan was to have a full classroom, but due to my limited experience and my desire to get on with the story, I decided to change it to a black background, simply to keep it simple.
amberose
Episode Community MemberJune 3
Hey TheGoodOne (if that is your real name ),
Hereās my thoughts:
- I already like how when youāve asked to name the MC, you havenāt done the typical āWhatās your name?ā question, and you made the phrase suit your story.
- I think the pan at first was a little off. Should it start at zone 3 and then pan to zone 1? Since the character was in zone 1 it felt like I was only been shown her for a second before choosing the name.
- I like how the MC isnāt the cliche MC. Sheās different and thatās awesome to include.
- The scene outside the schoolā¦, I noticed one BG character āpoppedā up after the first narration bubble. It was the one on the left with slicked back hair in case you wanted to fix that up. And maybe have them doing looping animations so theyāre not just idle while Dave and Ahish enter
- Ahish slides when he first enters the screen. Make sure you have him enter and then say his line
- Oh and Iāve just noticed the MCās name is showing up as Gale? But that wasnāt the name I chose. Iām not sure whatās happened thereā¦
- Whilst Iām all for choosing what the MCās sexual preference isā¦ the story started with MC saying sheād never had a boy friend. And then it was the establishing shot of the school saying there wasnāt a lack of guysā¦ Maybe you would need to change this to MC saying sheās never been in love and then outside the school having guys and girls as BG characters and MC saying thereās not a shortage of potential partners?
- Iām loving how many choices Iāve already been given so early on!
- I noticed a typo in MCās day dream. Stop was missing a ātā when she says I couldnāt stop thinking of him. But other than that I liked the daydream scene
- MCās internal thoughts remind me so much of me when I was like in year 11/12
- When MC flirts back, I noticed the background is still black? I think after her day dream, the background should be a classroom of some sort. Unless thereās a reason you left it black and I just havenāt gotten far enough
- This is minor but I donāt think half the words you beeped out needed to be. I think die is fine to write and as long as you put a warning splash at the beginning, the rest should be fine too.
- Ok, so the episode finished after the text saga. I think the plot is off to a good start, but in saying that, there wasnāt enough for me to determine where itās going. Iām guessing itās like a coming-of-age story, where MCās trying to find love but has also got some PLL stalker threatening her and being racist? Iād love to hear what youāll put as the official description so I could compare though
Visit Topic or reply to this email to respond.
In Reply To
May 17
Hi Iād like to have my story reviewed: http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5551133424353280
Visit Topic or reply to this email to respond.
To unsubscribe from these emails, click here.
-------- Oprindelig meddelelse --------
Ok, I did your review a bit different (I hope you donāt mind) because I actually read your story for the H&V contest before I starting helping Sasha with reviews, and I didnāt want to reset my progress, so I just did from where I was up to (luckily I saved up a few chapters to binge read). So Iām going from episode 4, which I had to re-read anyway.
- I really have liked your use of overlays through out. It must be so time consuming to perfect all that and then to have your music sync up with it.
- I like the characterization youāve used with the hair and eye colors. Itās simple but effective
- The scene in the alley, I think the characters could be spotted a bit smaller. I know theyāre demigods, but if you use the car for reference, it doesnāt look like they are that much in front and therefore they should be a little smaller
- In the same scene, once Jaxon is lying on the floor, he still kinda looks like heās floating a bit, so you might want to adjust his spotting as well.
- I notice when you pan over to him, it looks normal again. So Iām not sure if you spotted him a second before the pan, because when you go back to skull, I canāt see Jaxonās head floating anymore
- I like how you introduce customizing the mum naturally. So like the phone call starts and then you say letās take a moment to make her look like you.
- This is not really a big deal, but the music while Trix is breaking up with Skull is a little upbeat for a breakup sceneā¦
- Episode 5, in the bar/club Zaraās elbow is behind a Siv, while he is sitting in the background - so itās just a little layering you need to fix up
- Another minor layering thing, but to me it looks like skull is a behind Cribb and Blue, so when his eyes light up, the overlay should be behind the girls, but in front of him
- This is not really anything to do with the review, but Iām low key annoyed that Jaxon got annoyed with my questions. Like how dare he show up and claim heās dying and flee to the water and then refuse to explain? I mean, good characterization on your part, but man I would have loved a choice to throw something at him for not telling me anything
- Another thing with the layering when Trix finds them at the beach is that Rosalie is infront of Jaxon. I think based of off how confused Rosalie must be, added with the fact that sheās probably intimidated by Trixās beauty, sheād be more inclined to move upscreen left and back a layer, as if sheās backed out of the conversation, but still listening to them
- When you did Trixās flashback to her night with Skull, I think thatās the first time I noticed you using close up zooms and it really looked good. You should use them more!
- Leave the choker on makes me think that was some kind of clue, especially considering she wasnāt wearing it preset day, just a little observation I made
- When Hale and Rosalie are talking at the beginning of episodeā¦ 5 or 6? I canāt even remember which one Iām up toā¦ I notice the speechbubbles are on the screen but not the characters? And then I saw one characterās arm stick out with an animations, so I get theyāre in a different zone off screen. So just check that again, because I saw an elbow, so you might need to remove that animation.
- However, I like that you slipped in the story title there. I was wondering if that would become more prominent. Because I understood the name to have something to do with Rosalie drowning (so it was like she was deep in the water), but I was waiting to see if you would connect it more.
- And now Iām noticing a lot more zooms. Maybe this was something you perfected in later chapters? In which case, definitely go back and add some more so your story keeps that advanced level throughout
- Iām a bit anal when it comes to grammar so I noticed with Trix and Jaxon talking about no one calling him papi, that Jaxon says āyour rightā when it should be youāre lol
- Iām up to episode 8 and I was going to leave it there and post your review but damn, that was a good cliffhanger. Iām like āis Trix gonna hypnotize her or kill her or what?ā so good job with that because now Iām reading on.
- Iām really impressed with how you made Hermes, especially when his eye color changed green when he got annoyed with Hale.
- Another thing thatās not really related to the review, just more of an observation, but I read on to see what happened to Trix, and I feel like Iām half way into the episode before weāre back to that sceneā¦ Which was actually really smart of you because that whole flashback was super interesting, and I had actually forgotten about the Trix thing until we actually got back to it. Iām not an expert, but Iām willing to bet that helps your reader retention
- I really like how you made Rosalie think he was a mermaid, because I saw your fanmail a lot of readers thought this too. So that was a nice little easter egg. Very clever
Overall, your story is really great. You have an interesting plot (before reading this in H&V contest, Iād never seen anything like it), you give your characters personality, you have choices that matter, you use almost every tool episode has given us to make our stories extra wow (overlays, text effects, filters), yet you donāt over do it either. I can see this being a really long story too, because thereās so many different things happening, so there will be a lot to cover. It will definitely keep you busy.
I also notice that your new cover represents the story much more than the old one. The old one more represented the title, but this one now tells me a lot more about the plot.
I think itās only minor things you need to go back and look at like spotting and layering (which I know are the two most painful things when it comes to directing).
Just another note as well, whenever people are asking for stories with diversity, I really think thatās a good place to promote yours because all your main characters are diverse and itās not like theyāre diverse just for the sake of it either, like they all had a purpose. So yeah, definitely do some promo on those types of threads
Iām going to guess you have an & command somewhere before his dialogue.
See if you have
&AHSISH enters from left to screen left
AHISH (talk_greet)
Hey.
He will slid on screen while saying hey, but if you change & to @ it will let him finish entering before he starts to speak
I really insist that even if you want to get on with the story, come back to this and add in the classroom later. Trust me that the extra attention to detail wonāt go unnoticed to readers.
Classroom: I will definitely try, because I donāt like the current look of it.
Ahish: Thank you for that
I should have written it earlier, but thank you for the feedback
Lol, no problems. Youāre welcome
In regards to the narration bubble problem: I donāt actually know how to change it from the name that Iāve defined for the character to the name that youāre asked to give in the start.
Hey Michelle,
Going into this story, my first thought is what the hell is that story title and where is the cover?
Iām guessing the title will make sense once I read itā¦? And as for the cover, I definitely think you should upload a new one. The default ones are like a turn off to readers. Thereās a lot of people on the forum who can help you out with covers or you can have a go at making one yourself. Literally all of mine are basically screenshots of the episode with the title in a fancy font.
Anyway, on to the storyā¦
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This is off to a great start, considering I really didnāt know what to expect from the title, your spotting is on point and Iām loving all the character names, even though I probably canāt pronounce them all. But itās sort of like you have a consistency going there
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Ok, so the title of the story is revealed on the paper
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Careful with having too many words on the one line, some of the thought bubbles take up the whole screen
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In the bedroom, I think the characters look a bit too small, so just spot them bigger
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When MC (Iām not even going to attempt spelling her name) went to sleep, it was on a black screen and not a bed? Why was that?
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In this little dream sequence, it might be helpful to add some of the filters so the reader can establish between dream and real life
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The way you did your outfit choice was interesting, I liked it because itās less time consuming then other ways
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Just wondering if you made this on mobile creator? I notice sometime a character moves the slightest bit, and itās just kind of off? If this is the case, check your script for times where thereās a spot directing command and make sure itās supposed to be there. If itās not, delete that line
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When Alexsey enters he needs to be at layer 3, so he walks in front of the other 2
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Another suggestionā¦ I think your story description could do with a revamp. Especially because there is a huge cult following for gang stories on the app, but you donāt mention it in your description even though itās a big part of the story
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In episode 2, Alexseyās lines arenāt animated so his mouth doesnāt move when he talks
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I like the way you set up the choice for ballgown or tight dress, like you explained the pros and cons with both and I have a feeling my choices matter, well with this choice anyway.
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The choice to remind of which outfit was chosen wouldnāt be needed if you used gains. I think they donāt exist on mobile creator (if thatās what you were using), but you can add them in now on the portal, and that way people canāt cheat and change their answer.
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I like that youāve put background characters in the ballroom
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When he asked to dance, my first thought was the same as Katās, but his reasoning did make a lot of sense haha!
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I was actually laughing when he realized he was supposed to take Polina
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Episode 2 was kinda short. I think you could make the episodes longer by adding some more scenes between the 2 MCās that make us (the readers) want them to be together, build some tension you know? Because Iām assuming he is a love interest?
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I like how the outfit choices also change Katās hair
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Episode 3 kind of ended abruptly, I would have loved to see more scenes leading up to Kat being found out. Maybe scenes of her actually getting passed a lot of people she used to work with up until she gets lost?
Anyway, thereās a few things I think you need to go over but I think the biggest thing I would insist on is getting that cover and title description a make over. Once you do that, the reads will follow for sure. The plot has a lot of potential. Iām not a fan of gang stories, but I think if you update this with more chapters I will probably read on
Umā¦ Iāve actually never done it myself so Iām not 100% sure but I think itās supposed to be
NARRATOR ([GALE])
And that will make Gale turn into whatever the reader chose. If thatās wrong, I think there is a guide on the forums for this, like remembering typed in choices or something?
Thank you for that Iāll try it
Hey DrJoje,
Iām going to start off kind of harsh (sorry) and say I hate your title. I see stockholm syndrome and Iām like NOPE. Is there a reason itās not just called the broken one? Anyway, Iām not going to force you to rename your whole story, but something to consider is that there are a lot of people like me who will judge a book based off itās cover, or in this case the name, and you could be missing out on reads because of it
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Janeās first spot where she is sitting it looks like sheās sitting on air, maybe move her higher so sheās sitting on the car?
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I think a few of the characters move from one spot to the next a little too quickly. It would be a really tedious task, but worth it, if you went back and adding the seconds in to make their time walking look more natural.
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Iām already getting the feeling that itās not a typical case of Stockholm syndrome, so again, I think your title is turning away readers because they would jump to assumptions
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This is not really a big deal, more of a personal thing, so I understand if you donāt change it because itās probably a habit, but I notice you put a space before question marks and exclamation marksā¦ Iāve literally lost friendships and even broken up with someone because they did that in their texts lol. So yeah, itās painful to my eyes
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So Iām at the end of episode 1, and Iām going to take a guess that sheās now the kidnapper and Liam is going to fall in love with her, hence the title. And I am here for it. Thereās a twist and Iām actually really interested now in seeing if Iām right about that theory
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Just a note before I start 2, is that it would be nice to see a bit of backstory between Liam and Jane. Especially because her uncle seemed to think it was weird for her to call him Liam. So was that because they had had conversations in the past? Had he opened up to her? I would have liked to see a little something in the first episode along those lines
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Episode 2 when you have the 4 women outside, itās a little awkward because thereās four of them but only one can talk, so the rest are frozen in a pose from whatever the last thing they said was. Either animate them to do non-talking animations, or use some close-up zooms on the characters when theyāre talking so we donāt see the others frozen
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Your episodes are a little on the short side, but you cover enough information that itās ok. I do feel like Iām really paying attention too because Iām trying to figure out who tf is Liam and how theyāre all connected, so youāre doing a great job at the mystery side of things and building suspense
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How is Jane actually controlling Liam? Is this going to be looked into further as I read on
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Careful with characters sliding on screen. Wait until they fully enter before making them talk
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I love the scenes with Carl and how the uncle/boss goes all smiley when heās about to lose it.
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It was nice to see more of Liam and Jane in episode 4 and 5 I feel like I got some answers.
Iām ending there, because itās late where I am and thereās no way Iām going to get to episode 16 right now, but Iām interested enough to read on. Please take into consideration the name change though!
Little question: what do you think of my characters?
Well MC is the only one I feel was really developed, because youāre still at such an early stage in your story. But I think she was well developed, realistic and she had a kind of edge to her that most MCās are lacking, so thatās really good
Iām still developing this story, and thanks for that
Thanks for requesting. Your request is accepted. We will get back to you soon.
Hi !
First of all : thanks a lot for this honest review and the genuine interest you put in this.
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About the title, I never thought it could be repulsive. But I understand and you are not the first person mentionning it. But I feel like I canāt really change it, because itās really relevant to the storyās events. And Iām using that āstockholm syndromeā theory along the story.
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About the directing issues : you are 100% right, I know itās not very good, specially in the firsts episodes. And since Iām using my phone to write, there are some things I canāt correct (like the movementsā speed).
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Lol sorry for the space before interrogation and exclamation marksā¦ Iām french and we donāt really pay attention to this! ( ) But I am definitely going to correct this.
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And concerning the questions about the story itself, I think youāll have your answers by reading the next episodes, if you do it. Let me know what you think about it!
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Finally, what do you think about my storyās rĆ©sumĆ©? Is it catchy? Is there anything I could do in there to temper the title? I have no idea.
THANKS again for your time and your help, itās reaaaally motivating. If you continue the story, please share your thoughts with me cause I love talking about it with readers.
XX