The Good:
- The plot really intrigued me.
- It’s really unique and I love it!
- I understand and love everything that’s happening so far.
The Bad:
- I think the biggest error in your story is your grammar usages. I couldn’t get all of it but these are the ones I got.
For Example:
Should be changed to: Yes, Jayla. I’m listening. You just talk way too much and I kind of zoned out.
Should be changed to: Why don’t you get yourself a best friend, that wouldn’t even talk at all.
Should be changed to: Girl, you didn’t think I was ACTUALLY mad, did yo-
Should be changed to: That’s my cue to leave. See you at home, Azarionya!
Should be changed to: I won’t let my only living son ruin this for me.
- Your speech bubbles sometimes aren’t in the right positions.
Summary
They all are too small and/or not at the center. They’re their below (near the speaker’s waistline) and not near the bust/stomach area.
- Sometimes, the character’s layering isn’t right.
For Example
You can see that the girl is on top of the trash can. You can make the trash an overlay (layer 1) and make the girl behind the overlay (layer 0)
The girl, who’s taking care of the MC, looks very small. Increase her size just a bit.
Zoom in the screen so it doesn’t look too weird and the characters don’t look too tiny.
The MC looks tiny. She looks like she’s in the backseat instead of in the front. The male looks a bit big. Increase the MC size a bit and lower the male size just a tad (:
Use & to spot the characters and the overlay car. When you used @ to spot the characters and the vehicle, it took a huge pause in zone 1 before coming to zone 2 and showing them. Same thing happened to this scene:
It took a huge pause before showing us the character and the background because you used @ instead of & to spot the characters
- Whenever you’re using transitions, it transitions but still appears in the same background before going to the next instead of transitioning to the next background. It’s possible you’re using @transition fade out when you’re supposed to do @transition fade in and vice versa.
I really like your story, for real. I will continue like one or two chapters more. But the grammar errors kinda tick me off. I’ll suggest that you should get a proofreader before publishing so they can correct the mistakes you missed or didn’t even know they’re mistakes. I also suggest that you should get a beta-reader so they can show and tell you how to fix your directing mistakes and your storytelling! Thank you for requesting for a review. Good luck on your writing <3